OT - sob story

well if you know me you know that i am 26 and my fiance is 51. you
may also know that my father has been opposed to our union because
gary is disabled and does not work. my father the unrelational lawyer
cant always grasp that someone without money is worthy of love.
recently he saw gary at my last show and was as nice as he has ever
been to him, it was very encouraging. now we are moving to new
mexico. last night i saw my family, even my older brother (31) was
there.

my brother and father (who was a bit drunk, not good for him) decided
it would be fun to spend some time bashing gary (who was not there)
it started with my dad's 'i wish i had a nice young girl taking care
of me' and went on to 'he's fine, he's perfectly capable of working if
he wants to' and 'he'll never have a have a job!' and eventually, 'o,
sure, you're not taking care of gary, he gets money from the gov't,
we're ALL taking care of gary.' this from my brother who neither
works nor pays taxes and is supposedly totally anti gov't and peace
loving hippi etc...

so i through this am saying, 'you know i really don't find this funny,
no i don't take care of him, no seriously, its not funny, cut it out.'
to which my dad after realizing he is hurting my feelings stops and
goes out for a cigarette, but my brother decides to inform me that i
am 'in the wrong family' if i cant 'take a joke' we fought and
finally i said, 'look these are my feelings, and i dont think i should
be talked out of them.' and went in the laundry room to breath.

my mom helped me out and i stayed a way for another hour and a half
while they fought amongst themselves (i guess they were just in the
mood for it) but it really hurt me. and i told gary about it and it
really hurt him. i could have not told gary, but why should i protect
them, who have so little respect for me. gary has a right to know
what they say, and i have a right to tell him. call me weak but i
dont like having things to hide from him. i rely on him very much,
and he can always tell anyway.

so i am feeling a little funky tonight, like things will never change.

i am sorry to bring so much bad news lately, i think you guys are
spoiling me, you are so nice to me when i am sad it is hard to
resist... anyway, thanks for listening. i promise to have something
better next time.

alia
www.auntbeep.com/alia.htm

(((((hugs))))) Alia, it sounds like your dad and your bother are covering
up their own insecurities by putting Gary down. It's wonderful that you
love Gary and that he loves you. Your family cannot take that away. I hope
it gets better soon .

--
Kandice Seeber
Air & Earth Designs
http://www.lampwork.net

well if you know me you know that i am 26 and my fiance is 51. you
may also know that my father has been opposed to our union because
gary is disabled and does not work. my father the unrelational lawyer
cant always grasp that someone without money is worthy of love.
recently he saw gary at my last show and was as nice as he has ever
been to him, it was very encouraging. now we are moving to new
mexico. last night i saw my family, even my older brother (31) was
there.

my brother and father (who was a bit drunk, not good for him) decided
it would be fun to spend some time bashing gary (who was not there)
it started with my dad's 'i wish i had a nice young girl taking care
of me' and went on to 'he's fine, he's perfectly capable of working if
he wants to' and 'he'll never have a have a job!' and eventually, 'o,
sure, you're not taking care of gary, he gets money from the gov't,
we're ALL taking care of gary.' this from my brother who neither
works nor pays taxes and is supposedly totally anti gov't and peace
loving hippi etc...

so i through this am saying, 'you know i really don't find this funny,
no i don't take care of him, no seriously, its not funny, cut it out.'
to which my dad after realizing he is hurting my feelings stops and
goes out for a cigarette, but my brother decides to inform me that i
am 'in the wrong family' if i cant 'take a joke' we fought and
finally i said, 'look these are my feelings, and i dont think i should
be talked out of them.' and went in the laundry room to breath.

my mom helped me out and i stayed a way for another hour and a half
while they fought amongst themselves (i guess they were just in the
mood for it) but it really hurt me. and i told gary about it and it
really hurt him. i could have not told gary, but why should i protect
them, who have so little respect for me. gary has a right to know
what they say, and i have a right to tell him. call me weak but i
dont like having things to hide from him. i rely on him very much,
and he can always tell anyway.

so i am feeling a little funky tonight, like things will never change.

i am sorry to bring so much bad news lately, i think you guys are
spoiling me, you are so nice to me when i am sad it is hard to
resist... anyway, thanks for listening. i promise to have something
better next time.

alia
www.auntbeep.com/alia.htm

Yeah. What Kandice said.

To that I would add this: You can't control what others say and feel or how
they act. What you *can* control is how you choose to react to it. I have
had to apply this in my own life, and it's meant the elimination of some
people from my life. It may sound selfish, but it boils down to
self-preservation.
--

Tink

www.blackswampglassworks.com
Sign Up Now For Fall Workshops!
Hollows, Vessels & Florals...

"Kandice Seeber" wrote in message
...
(((((hugs))))) Alia, it sounds like your dad and your bother are covering
up their own insecurities by putting Gary down. It's wonderful that you
love Gary and that he loves you. Your family cannot take that away. I
hope
it gets better soon .

--
Kandice Seeber
Air & Earth Designs
http://www.lampwork.net

well if you know me you know that i am 26 and my fiance is 51. you
may also know that my father has been opposed to our union because
gary is disabled and does not work. my father the unrelational lawyer
cant always grasp that someone without money is worthy of love.
recently he saw gary at my last show and was as nice as he has ever
been to him, it was very encouraging. now we are moving to new
mexico. last night i saw my family, even my older brother (31) was
there.

my brother and father (who was a bit drunk, not good for him) decided
it would be fun to spend some time bashing gary (who was not there)
it started with my dad's 'i wish i had a nice young girl taking care
of me' and went on to 'he's fine, he's perfectly capable of working if
he wants to' and 'he'll never have a have a job!' and eventually, 'o,
sure, you're not taking care of gary, he gets money from the gov't,
we're ALL taking care of gary.' this from my brother who neither
works nor pays taxes and is supposedly totally anti gov't and peace
loving hippi etc...

so i through this am saying, 'you know i really don't find this funny,
no i don't take care of him, no seriously, its not funny, cut it out.'
to which my dad after realizing he is hurting my feelings stops and
goes out for a cigarette, but my brother decides to inform me that i
am 'in the wrong family' if i cant 'take a joke' we fought and
finally i said, 'look these are my feelings, and i dont think i should
be talked out of them.' and went in the laundry room to breath.

my mom helped me out and i stayed a way for another hour and a half
while they fought amongst themselves (i guess they were just in the
mood for it) but it really hurt me. and i told gary about it and it
really hurt him. i could have not told gary, but why should i protect
them, who have so little respect for me. gary has a right to know
what they say, and i have a right to tell him. call me weak but i
dont like having things to hide from him. i rely on him very much,
and he can always tell anyway.

so i am feeling a little funky tonight, like things will never change.

i am sorry to bring so much bad news lately, i think you guys are
spoiling me, you are so nice to me when i am sad it is hard to
resist... anyway, thanks for listening. i promise to have something
better next time.

alia
www.auntbeep.com/alia.htm

Alia,

That stinks.

For what it's worth....

My husband is the same age as me (well, ok, 3 months younger ) and not
disabled, but I have always been the "primary bread winner" and he has never had
what my family would consider a "real" job. Now he is back in school and at
this point isn't working. When he is it will be a part-time job, probably at
the school. (This is kind of bothering me personally at the moment because I'm
having a lot of problems and am almost certainly loosing my job in a few months,
but that's a separate topic).

I am sure my dad and grandparents are not happy about this. SINCE WE'VE BEEN
MARRIED noone has said anything directly to me and everyone is friendly to him.
For a while before and after I was married I grilled my little brother and
cousin to find out what people were really saying.
Then I realized that it doesn't help me or my husband to know whether or what
they are saying. It would undermine my husband's self-esteem and make it harder
for him to do his schoolwork and stuff, and it would make me angry and resentful
to my relatives and possibly my husband as well. So, even though this is very
unlike me, I decided that I am really better off not knowing.
Since I've been going that route I can't know for sure, but I'm guessing the
fact that I am not getting all defensive about it probably actually makes them
less likely to think that way anyhow. And if they do, they aren't saying or
doing anything so I don't have to get upset about it.

marisa2

In article ,
says...

so i through this am saying, 'you know i really don't find this funny,
no i don't take care of him, no seriously, its not funny, cut it out.'
to which my dad after realizing he is hurting my feelings stops and
goes out for a cigarette, but my brother decides to inform me that i
am 'in the wrong family' if i cant 'take a joke' we fought and
finally i said, 'look these are my feelings, and i dont think i should
be talked out of them.' and went in the laundry room to breath.

Good for you. The pretense that abuse is "joking" and that there's something
wrong with the victim for taking offense at things said specifically to offend
is one of the nastiest tactics in the whole abuse game. If I were in your
shoes, that brother would be Persona Non Grata in my presence for at least the
next 10 years -- maybe by then he'll have grown up, but I doubt it.

Celine

--
Handmade jewelry at http://www.rubylane.com/shops/starcat
"Only the powers of evil claim that doing good is boring."
-- Diane Duane, _Nightfall at Algemron_

Alia. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SUPER HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Your family (with the exception of your mom) is behaving badly. You should
killfile them....woops, wrong thread! (Trying to make you laugh, sweetie)

Your family (with the exception of your mom) IS behaving badly. No doubt about
it. Very badly. Your dad is exhibiting some of his own insecurities, sweet
pea. The hurt you feel is very real, and justified. I think you behaved in a
manner *much* more adult than your daddy, or brother. They were participating
in a feeding frenzy -- i.e., they kind of got each other more worked up about
it as they went along, didn't they?

Very jerky behavior. Extremely unfeeling behavior. Gee, it's just a joke, ha
ha ha. Real funny. They acted stupid, and I'd bet that even if they felt
sorry about it today, they'd be too embarrassed to say so.

finally i said, 'look these are my feelings, and i dont think i should
be talked out of them.' and went in the laundry room to breath.

I am so proud of you! I'd have been yelling! You are amazing.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Alia}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

i stayed a way for another hour and a half
while they fought amongst themselves (i guess they were just in the
mood for it)

Jeez, what babies!!

i could have not told gary, but why should i protect
them, who have so little respect for me. gary has a right to know
what they say, and i have a right to tell him. call me weak but i
dont like having things to hide from him. i rely on him very much,
and he can always tell anyway.

I know what you mean. Exactly. I can never hide anything from Kevin, either
-- he seems to be able to read my mind. This just reinforces the idea that you
picked the right mate, sweetie! (ABSOLUTELY) I'm so sorry Gary was hurt.

so i am feeling a little funky tonight, like things will never change.

I would be willing to bet money that they *will* change. But it takes time,
and (unfortunately, because they're so childish) a lot of patience. Hang in
there, you sweet darling -- I was in a similar situation (mine were my inlaws)
and things changed in ways I could never have foreseen. (For the better --
much better.) Life is full of surprises, and the only thing we can really
count on is that Things Change.
~~
Sooz
-------
"Those in the cheaper seats clap. The rest of you rattle your jewelry." John
Lennon (1940 - 1980) Royal Varieties Performance
~ Dr. Sooz's Bead Links
http://airandearth.netfirms.com/soozlinkslist.html

All right Celine!

Good for you. The pretense that abuse is "joking" and that there's something
wrong with the victim for taking offense at things said specifically to
offend
is one of the nastiest tactics in the whole abuse game. If I were in your
shoes, that brother would be Persona Non Grata in my presence for at least
the
next 10 years -- maybe by then he'll have grown up, but I doubt it.

Celine


~~
Sooz
-------
"Those in the cheaper seats clap. The rest of you rattle your jewelry." John
Lennon (1940 - 1980) Royal Varieties Performance
~ Dr. Sooz's Bead Links
http://airandearth.netfirms.com/soozlinkslist.html

I have no words of wisdom to share but oh man.. i do have a huge hug here
for you ((((((((((((((((alia))))))))))))))))))))
Diana

--
http://photos.yahoo.com/lunamom44
"alia" wrote in message
om...
well if you know me you know that i am 26 and my fiance is 51. you
may also know that my father has been opposed to our union because
gary is disabled and does not work. my father the unrelational lawyer
cant always grasp that someone without money is worthy of love.
recently he saw gary at my last show and was as nice as he has ever
been to him, it was very encouraging. now we are moving to new
mexico. last night i saw my family, even my older brother (31) was
there.

my brother and father (who was a bit drunk, not good for him) decided
it would be fun to spend some time bashing gary (who was not there)
it started with my dad's 'i wish i had a nice young girl taking care
of me' and went on to 'he's fine, he's perfectly capable of working if
he wants to' and 'he'll never have a have a job!' and eventually, 'o,
sure, you're not taking care of gary, he gets money from the gov't,
we're ALL taking care of gary.' this from my brother who neither
works nor pays taxes and is supposedly totally anti gov't and peace
loving hippi etc...

so i through this am saying, 'you know i really don't find this funny,
no i don't take care of him, no seriously, its not funny, cut it out.'
to which my dad after realizing he is hurting my feelings stops and
goes out for a cigarette, but my brother decides to inform me that i
am 'in the wrong family' if i cant 'take a joke' we fought and
finally i said, 'look these are my feelings, and i dont think i should
be talked out of them.' and went in the laundry room to breath.

my mom helped me out and i stayed a way for another hour and a half
while they fought amongst themselves (i guess they were just in the
mood for it) but it really hurt me. and i told gary about it and it
really hurt him. i could have not told gary, but why should i protect
them, who have so little respect for me. gary has a right to know
what they say, and i have a right to tell him. call me weak but i
dont like having things to hide from him. i rely on him very much,
and he can always tell anyway.

so i am feeling a little funky tonight, like things will never change.

i am sorry to bring so much bad news lately, i think you guys are
spoiling me, you are so nice to me when i am sad it is hard to
resist... anyway, thanks for listening. i promise to have something
better next time.

alia
www.auntbeep.com/alia.htm

Hi Alia,

I think this is going to be an ongoing issue. You're going to make some
hard choices.

First of all, you need to acknowlege your father's reasoning. You have to
rigorously examine how his critisms will effect you.

Are you willing to be the only real support for the family? Your carreer
first. Your carreer before beading, because you need to earn an adequate
income fore the two of you and perhaps children too. If you have children,
you will have to work while he stays home with the children. No deciding
you need a break from work and someone else can do it for a while. No
taking jobs that aren't carreer jobs because life gets more expensive and
you need to work toward a pension. Do you have the education or background
for that kind of work?

Are you willing to be his nurse as he goes into decline in 10 or 20 years
(all the while working full time)? This is a serious consideration for
anyone who marries someone disabled or someone significantly older.

Are you willing to live independent of support of your family. They might
get better about Gary, but I doubt they'll really change. Can you give up
your family for Gary?

If you're OK with all this, then go for it and don't look back.

Tina


"alia" wrote in message
om...
well if you know me you know that i am 26 and my fiance is 51. you
may also know that my father has been opposed to our union because
gary is disabled and does not work. my father the unrelational lawyer
cant always grasp that someone without money is worthy of love.
recently he saw gary at my last show and was as nice as he has ever
been to him, it was very encouraging. now we are moving to new
mexico. last night i saw my family, even my older brother (31) was
there.

my brother and father (who was a bit drunk, not good for him) decided
it would be fun to spend some time bashing gary (who was not there)
it started with my dad's 'i wish i had a nice young girl taking care
of me' and went on to 'he's fine, he's perfectly capable of working if
he wants to' and 'he'll never have a have a job!' and eventually, 'o,
sure, you're not taking care of gary, he gets money from the gov't,
we're ALL taking care of gary.' this from my brother who neither
works nor pays taxes and is supposedly totally anti gov't and peace
loving hippi etc...

so i through this am saying, 'you know i really don't find this funny,
no i don't take care of him, no seriously, its not funny, cut it out.'
to which my dad after realizing he is hurting my feelings stops and
goes out for a cigarette, but my brother decides to inform me that i
am 'in the wrong family' if i cant 'take a joke' we fought and
finally i said, 'look these are my feelings, and i dont think i should
be talked out of them.' and went in the laundry room to breath.

my mom helped me out and i stayed a way for another hour and a half
while they fought amongst themselves (i guess they were just in the
mood for it) but it really hurt me. and i told gary about it and it
really hurt him. i could have not told gary, but why should i protect
them, who have so little respect for me. gary has a right to know
what they say, and i have a right to tell him. call me weak but i
dont like having things to hide from him. i rely on him very much,
and he can always tell anyway.

so i am feeling a little funky tonight, like things will never change.

i am sorry to bring so much bad news lately, i think you guys are
spoiling me, you are so nice to me when i am sad it is hard to
resist... anyway, thanks for listening. i promise to have something
better next time.

alia
www.auntbeep.com/alia.htm

Can you give up
your family for Gary?

IMO, I don't think Alia will have to do this. It's not this serious or
extreme, and she has the support of her mom. Her dad and brother are simply
childish and hurtful. Though she may have to separate herself from her dad &
brother for a while til they calm down a bit. :-P (punks!)
~~
Sooz
-------
"Those in the cheaper seats clap. The rest of you rattle your jewelry." John
Lennon (1940 - 1980) Royal Varieties Performance
~ Dr. Sooz's Bead Links
http://airandearth.netfirms.com/soozlinkslist.html