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#11
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Mom thinks that I will regret this decision and shouldn't do it.
WHY is this any of her business?!?!?!?! Good grief! ~~ Sooz ------- ESBC ~ Dr. Sooz's Bead Links http://airandearth.netfirms.com/soozlinkslist.html ~ Bead Notes: Beading information A - Z http://www.lampwork.net/beadnotes.html |
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#13
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In article 1058329170.960069@prawn, says...
I heard that "what if..." a long time ago. I think you should pay careful attention to the possibility (in today's society, even a likelihood) that you might remarry and want children. But your physical well-being is even more important. Tina, she's *got* two kids already. I don't think the "you might remarry and want children" argument really holds under those circumstances. And given a history of difficult pregnancies, I have to say that I don't think her mother really has her best interests at heart. Celine -- Handmade jewelry at http://www.rubylane.com/shops/starcat "Only the powers of evil claim that doing good is boring." -- Diane Duane, _Nightfall at Algemron_ |
#14
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In article ,
says... Karlee, those are your choices to make, and no one else's. I'm glad you're standing firm. It's not up to anyone else to agree or disagree or to understand. It might be time to give an "end of discussion" ultimatum. Or, at least, turn it around and ask mom how she would have felt if someone was trying to tell her what she should and shouldn't do during YOUR birth. sigh They probably were. The idea that a pregnant women should have *any* control over herself and her situation has been completely absent from Western culture for so long that it almost counts as an entirely new notion. Celine -- Handmade jewelry at http://www.rubylane.com/shops/starcat "Only the powers of evil claim that doing good is boring." -- Diane Duane, _Nightfall at Algemron_ |
#15
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But 27 is still very young to be certain that she will never remarry and
wish for children. The biggest consideration is that it might damage her health. What I really hesitate to say though, is that coming from a family with such trauma as she has told us of quite often, limiting children is also a good idea. Tina "Lee S. Billings" wrote in message ... In article 1058329170.960069@prawn, says... I heard that "what if..." a long time ago. I think you should pay careful attention to the possibility (in today's society, even a likelihood) that you might remarry and want children. But your physical well-being is even more important. Tina, she's *got* two kids already. I don't think the "you might remarry and want children" argument really holds under those circumstances. And given a history of difficult pregnancies, I have to say that I don't think her mother really has her best interests at heart. Celine -- Handmade jewelry at http://www.rubylane.com/shops/starcat "Only the powers of evil claim that doing good is boring." -- Diane Duane, _Nightfall at Algemron_ |
#16
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Hi, Karlee! Boy, I wish your family (and his) would let you have an
easier time of it in these last few weeks. Sheesh! Here's my two cents: Your delivery/your choices. My first son ended up being an emergency c-section so it sort of wasn't an issue. With my second son who was a scheduled c-section, unbeknownst to me, DH had given permission for students to be in there. It was an awful thing to me. I view childbirth in whatever form as a highly personal deal and that was taken from me. Grrrrr.... Postdelivery, you plan sounds amazingly sane and farsighted. Wish I'd thought of it. You have my wholehearted support in this and my encouragement to not let family descend on you once you're home until *you're* ready. Lastly, I applaud your choice re the tubal. I had it done at 30 when my second son was born. I *knew* that with our two little ones and my three stepkids that I couldn't financially, emotionally, or timewise do any more kids. I had planned to stop after our first son but didn't do the tubal. Then Nic came and was a very happy surprise but the day I found out I was pregnant, I knew that was it. No more. Maddeningly, Rich had to sign a *permission form allowing* me to have the tubal since he was my husband. AAARRGGH! Karlee, hon, these are all highly personal choices and, while you might ask for input from us or family or other friends, you and DH are the only ones with the right to make the choices. And no one should judge you for them. Blessed be. Shelby Karlee in Kansas wrote: Please don't label me as a horrible person for these things, but I would like the input of anyone that has been a "new mom" (even and especially if you have been said new mom more than once). I had a little spat with my mom again. She is upset because the only people that I will allow in the labor and delivery room with me while I'm in the process of bringing Ellie into the world is hospital staff (kept to a minimum....i.e. *no interns or students) and my husband. Second sore spot with mom falls into the post delivery category. For my duration in the hospital, I only want my kids and husband in there. I don't want a parade of people. Its time for me, baby, kidlet the first, and the new daddy. It is my opinion that they can wait until we get settled at home before they come visit. Again, mom has her nose out of place on this one. She wants to be there to hold Ellie hours after her birth like she was for kidlet the first. I understand her want, but I am going to want to rest and get acquainted with the baby without a three-ring circus going on in the room (Labor is NOT an easy job if memory serves me correctly). Last time I was way groggy after the anesthetic and all people did was make noise and make it near impossible to rest. Staff would not ask them to leave after I requested that they do so. The last sore spot with mom (and the biggest I might add) is the fact that I am requesting surgical sterilization after the birth. DH is going to get "fixed" as well. Both of us see how hard pregnancy is on me and neither one of us want to go through this again. (I have a habit of pre-term labor that is NOT a barrel of monkeys) Both me and DH love and adore children, but my risks of having harder and harder pregnancies increase with each one (according to doc, who btw, is supporting my desire to have a tubal). Opinions are being requested, but flames are not. I'm getting enough heat from my mom on these topics to last a lifetime. TIA, Karlee in Kansas |
#17
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I opted for privacy also with all 3 of my children. Husband and Medical
Staff only. Paula |
#18
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Kathy wrote
gentle snip | Note to grandma to be: How many of your deliveries had an audience? Hmmmm? | If she wants to see the miracle of birth, I understand that there is a | videotape with that exact title at the library. Watch the video until this | desire to both people as they give birth goes away. Actually, i'm an only child, and adopted. My mother was unable to have kids. I think herin lies her desire to be there for the birth. | | Perhaps, I'll get to me a grandmother. I expect to get a phone call saying | it's all over, so I can go and smother the grandbaby with kisses. Before | that, I want to be at the house, preparing quick to heat meals, cleaning to a | fare thee well, and doing everything I could to make the new family come home | to as little work as possible. She has been griping for MONTHS about coming up to help clean and decorate. I keep refusing because I know that every 10 minutes all I will hear about is what a horrible housekeeper I am and how terrible my decorating sense is. We have been in our new house for right close to 5 months, and she STILL hasn't been in here (because we won't let her mind you). | | If there is already an older sibling, as in your case, I'd want to spend my | last one-on-one time alone with the big kid, and make a big honking deal how | she is so special and loved for being first, and for being big enough to do | cool things, unlike the new baby. That is about half of my reasoning for wanting to be left alone during the labor, delivery, and post delivery. Kidlet the first needs to get to hold the baby too. I get dibs on being "first" though. | | Normal deliveries do not have crowds of people rambling through, and | certainly not "pointing and giggling." If you don't want interns, students | and other non-essential folk around, that's your decision, and your right. | The hospital cannot force you to have a gang of people around. This hospital is a little different (or at least was when kidlet the first was born). While in labor, my parents came, most of the spouses chain of command came up (including his XO and wife, his platoon sgt (in his domino's pizza uniform), his battalion commander, and 1st sgt and wife), 3 different ministers, a bunch of people from my home church (they road tripped it cause its an hour drive from the home church to where the hospital is), and an aunt that I can't stand. I never had less than 3 people in the room with me.....and of course, spouse at the time was no where to be found (he was with his girlfried....LONG story mind you, and NO I wasn't happy about it, we wound up getting a divorce over his infidelity a few months later). I got yelled at by my mom because I was in hella pain and making it known that I was rather uncomfortable with each contraction (this is before the relief of my epidural). Mom said "Quit yelling about it. It doesn't hurt THAT bad" | | Aside: I habitually allow even first year med students to examine my lungs, | and some third year surgical residents were on rounds when I had my neck | surgery. No biggie. When I had "private" surgery, I didn't want/have anyone | there but the support staff and my husband. I just don't want some nursing student that has never had kidlets to be giggling at my pain AND my privates like the first time around. I was insulted, hurt, still in pain, and threw a bed pan at one of them. No, I didn't miss. I get cranky when I'm hooked up to a gazillion machines and have bags of stuff pumping into me while I'm in pain. VERY cranky. | Here, I'll disagree. Hospitals have amazingly short periods of time when | visitors are allowed. They have rules to limit the number of visitors, and | they tell them when they must leave. You do not have to feed or otherwise | entertain visitors who come to see the baby. Lie back and moan about pain, | and the nurse will kick everyone out for you. This hospital is very lax with visitors in the post-delivery unit. I had a private room (standard procedure for c-section moms), and it wasn't that large to begin with. I again had a troop of people coming through. At one point, both my parents were there, my gramma, my aunt (one that I get along with) 5 of my cousins, my best friend and her little sister, the XO and his wife, the 1st sgt and his wife, and three of my other friends. That is 18 people in one little room. They were not asked to leave, take turns, or anything else. Staff let them be. I just wanted a NAP dammit. Anesthetic slowly wearing off, 18.5 hours of labor, no sleep, no shower, no food, wasnt allowed out of bed yet. Again I was cranky. | | At home, it's a lot harder to get people to leave. The come when they want | to, stay as long as they're comfortable (about 20 times longer than you're | comfortable), and expect to be fed and entertained, while you're simply | trying to reach a day where taking a shower isn't taxing your energy. If | you're learning to nurse, having a crowd of people is a total nightmare. | Fuhgeddaboutit. Being that I live about an hour away from anyone that wants to come up, I'll have warning. AND its a TON easier to keep them off a military base than you probably think. People will KNOW this time that IF you drive an hour to see me and the baby, you will ONLY stay for a half hour. Thirsty? Get it yourself. Gotta pee? Don't ask or you will be told the terlit is broke, go find it yourself. And NO you can't feed the baby, I don't want your hands on my boobs. Bottles will be introduced (with breast milk in them) at a later date. | | I'd let them go buck-wild visiting the hospital, knowing they're leaving, and | keep the house off limits for a few weeks. We followed that, and our only | visitor that first week was my best friend: she didn't even come in the door | or see the baby. She knocked on my door, handed me a casserole with | instructions for heating it up, and gave me a gift bag with paper plates, | plastic silverware, etc., and a bottle of champaigne. Then she hugged me and | left. God bless her. Can she be my best friend too?? I need more friends like this..... || Tell them to leave the baby in the nursery until the family has left. (You | heard your cousin is comng down with something, and you don't want the baby | made ill) Baby will sleep, and with the added entertainment of you being | unconcious, they're liable to leave quickly. (Feign sleep when real sleep | isn't happening) Last time they just sat there and watched me sleep. (I have a really wierd family to say the least) Staff wouldn't bring the baby to me unless I was awake, and wouldn't bring in the baby like a parade. They couldn't get in the nursery without being a parent (both parents get a bracelet that matches baby's) for security reasons. | Things are different now. If the nurse doesn't listen to you, have your | husband (whose main job is ad your advocate) make the people leave. They | will leave. And better they leave the hospital, satisfied and not wanting to | camp out at your house. THIS time hubby will be there. And I know that he will stop everyone at the door. Its just getting my mother to realise the fact that I want to be left ALONE this time around. | Why does she even know about this? This is so none of her business. If she | had the cajones to bring it up to me, I'd give her a fixing stare, pause for | a really long time and say, "Why do you want to know about my sexual future?" | | Then run. My mom being the Queen of Nosy, asked what we planned to do in the future for BC, knowing that the pill is out. So I told her. She didn't like it. A lot of times I tell my mom the blunt truth because it has more shock value than any story I could come up with. I love mixing shock value and my stuck up mother in the same pot. THAT is some real entertainment. (Sometimes) | | Do you guys think that I should please the planet by letting people see me | in all my glory whilst I feel terribly | uncomfortable? | No. | | Do you guys think that I should let the outside world turn | my hospital room into a major hub of | activity? | Yes, because it's better than the alternative. | | Do you think that at 27, after major complications during | pregnancy, labor, and delivery, and two kids, that | I should reconsider my choice to be sterilized? | | That's between you and your husband. I wouldn't presume to be so rude as to | give an opinion. It's your body and your lives: I presume any decision you | make is the right one for you. | | | Opinions are being requested, but flames are not. I'm getting enough heat | from my mom on these topics to last a | lifetime. | | Karlee, Your mom needs to take a pill. Or, as I've suggested befo | tranquilizer darts. Slip some roofies in her drink, and let her wake up a | week later, a cast member in the worldwide tour of "Up with People!" :-) | | This too, shall pass. | | Kathy N-V, whose mom seriously wanted to talk about my daughter's future | marriage plans. The kid is 13. She has no plans that don't involve Barbie | and Ken, and I'm happy to keep it that way for now. I'm not trying to shoot you down...really. I'm just telling you what I know from my first experience with all of this, and that I don't want a repeat. It was pure hell. It wasn't fun when I was in the hospital and had one of my cousins outright laughing at me when my milk suddenly, and like a dam breaking, came in. It sure wasn't funny when the doc came in to look at my incision and had to ask 15 people to leave the room and they objected. I was NOT amused. I just want to make sure that I haven't lost my mind with wanting time for me and the family and a little privacy. Mom was acting like I had slipped a groove again. Hugs Karlee in Kansas |
#19
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CLP wrote
| Karlee - I opt for a more peaceable solution. Maybe your Mom is feeling less | and less needed by you & maybe she is having hormonal surges of her own at | her age of mid-life and is feeling very insecure. gentle snip Do you see where I'm going with this?. Yep, but my mom HAS to be in control of EVERY situation that she is in or exposed to. That includes every aspect of my life. I just responded to Kathy's post and told about my mothers reaction to my pain when I was in Labor. I was told that it didn't hurt that much and I needed to leave the staff alone, (Don't they get paid to take care of my pain anymore????) and that I needed to quit screaming with every contraction. SHE has never been through labor and doesn't realize how much it friggin HURTS. I don't really want that crap again this time around (I've heard that labor hurts more with every kidlet) | Whether it's stressing how much you rely on her help after the baby and you | have settled in at home, or asking for her help now for an occasional | massage, go for a pedicure together and talk about what it was like for her | when the 2nd child came (assuming you had siblings) - Somehow, give her a | job, make her an important part. Make her feel needed and wanted - in short, | do what you would want your daughter to do for you! We are all "just" women, | and I don't mean that in a demeaning way. What I mean is that we are all | just trying to make our way in this world. A gentle word and tender heart go | a long, long way. And the more peace you try to give, the more peaceful you | will become. I fully understand where you are coming from. Mom and I haven't really been what I would consider close. She is VERY pushy and VERY adamant about me doing things HER way or they are considered wrong. In her eyes, I'm inadequate and should not be left to do anything on my own. I have never, in my short 27 years on this planet, felt "good enough" for either of my parents. Letting her clean for me, or asking for help, only reinforces my inadequacies to her, and will in turn make my life harder. | | As far as sterilization is concerned, I would think that is your business, | and you mightn't want to discuss a lot of real personal stuff like that with | anyone other than your husband. you certainly could pull up articles from | the web about successful tubal ligation reversals, or adoption stats, but | bottom line - it's your business, not anyone else's. So the answer to that | is, "Discussion over. We feel differently, so let's just not have the | conflict, ok? I really want to enjoy our mother-daughter time now, because | I sure am going to be busy in a little while!" | I hope I haven't overstepped any boundries or offended you in any way. I | just see so much bad feelings arise in families when kindness will have such | a reversing effect. Nope, haven't stepped on any toes. I asked for advice (but not flames) and have gotten advice. Depending on how the next couple months goes, I might just "see what happens if....." but I highly doubt that it will entail giving her any control over anything in my life, even for a little while. (Just a side note, I'm adopted, so she knows the ins and outs of that, that is why I can't figure out why she is throwing such a fit about the sterilization....) | be well TY :-) you too! Hugs Karlee in Kansas |
#20
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Karlee, I've never had children but this isn't about that. It's a boundary
issue. This is about *your* body, *your* pain, *your* wishes and *your* choices. Anyone who can't respect your right to set boundaries where they are comfortable for you regarding issues as personal as childbirth and fertility is being selfish and childish. Your mom may be your mom, but you are an adult, and at the moment she is treating you like property, not like a thinking, feeling, capable human being. I would simply tell her that these issues aren't up for discussion and remove them from the table. Kindly and politely decline involvement in further discussion on these issues and avoid getting drawn into arguments with your mom about this. It really isn't her business, and you do not need the added stress at this time. You have every right to make your own decisions about this and to be as firm as necessary in making sure those decisions are respected. Laura "Karlee in Kansas" wrote in message ... Please don't label me as a horrible person for these things, but I would like the input of anyone that has been a "new mom" (even and especially if you have been said new mom more than once). |
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