OT (sorta): Time to myself but sad...

Hello everybody

I just wanted to write because you all seem to be much wiser than me in lots
of things, and since I don't have a mother to get any advice from, I
consider you the next best thing.

I finally got some time to myself today. I was excited at the thought
because I have an aran sweater I'm working on and I made the most lovely
square for Lainey's sling (whether or not it will become a sling is another
story). I thought it would be a great time to work on all my yarn things
that I've not been able to work on for such a very long time.

But I'm sad...because instead of doing yarn things, I discovered that DH
left me with a horrendous mess in the house. I guess it's not a "surprise,"
since I've not been able to clean very often with a sick and fussy baby
always at my side...but I guess i was disappointed that he'd done nothing to
alleviate this mess.

It gets me so angry sometimes...he'll just throw things on the floor without
any regard and if he sees something that shouldn't be there, he'll just
ignore it and step over it. He's totally oblivious to the mess he creates,
and constantly denies making any...he just moves from room to room until
there's no more room to make a mess. There's always an excuse not to pick
something up and throw it away.

Needless to say, I spent all day cleaning the house. I could have done that
easily in an hour or so, but it took me much longer because I need to
dedicate most of the time to picking his stuff off the floor and trying
putting it aside. There's no more room to put his things! I'm so furious!!

I've tried being nice and asking him to do it, and I"ve tried getting
angry...I've even tried bribing him. Nothing seems to work. To put things
in perspective, in over a year, this is the first time I"ve ever been able
to have time to myself, and instead of doing the things I love, I have to
worry about cleaning spilled soda off the floor. Is this what I have to do
forever? Will I just have to live with the fact that I'm never going to
have a reasonably clean house? Will I never be able to knit again? *panic*

I'm so bummed I can't even tell you. I don't know what to do because every
time I bring up the subject, a HUGE fight ensues. I have no idea why this
is so difficult for him to grasp, but I'm getting burnt out, and I just
don't have the will to do any more. It really stresses me out to live
in a messy house.

So, moms...what do I do? Is this just the way it is?

Allaya
(eating what quite possibly is the world's largest knish)

Allaya,
Many husbands are like that. I tend to blame it on their mothers, who
cleaned up after them all their lives. I don't know how large your home is,
but I would suggest, first of all, that you get a room that is off-limits to
him, which you can keep tidy and clean without interference from him.
Second, he has to learn to help out. How about sitting down with him, in a
non-confrontational way, and discussing, together, what has to be done to
keep the house tidy? Then, divvy up the chores so that you are not doing
everything.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
Katherine

Katherine wrote:
Allaya,
Many husbands are like that. I tend to blame it on their mothers, who
cleaned up after them all their lives. I don't know how large your home is,
but I would suggest, first of all, that you get a room that is off-limits to
him, which you can keep tidy and clean without interference from him.
Second, he has to learn to help out. How about sitting down with him, in a
non-confrontational way, and discussing, together, what has to be done to
keep the house tidy? Then, divvy up the chores so that you are not doing
everything.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
Katherine



But if she says a huge fight ensues every time she brings it up...well,
I think it's time for a counselor. A lot of men simply have no idea how
exhausting a baby can be, let alone a sick and fussy one. Allaya, can
you talk to your doctor about recommending someone to talk to your
husband? Otherwise, I'd say Katherine has a point about maybe closing
off one room to him and his clutter. That doesn't help with rooms like
kitchen and bathroom that HAVE to be cleaned though. I'm so sorry,
Allaya (and thankful I don't have this problem).

spampot wrote:
Katherine wrote:
Allaya,
Many husbands are like that. I tend to blame it on their mothers, who
cleaned up after them all their lives. I don't know how large your
home is, but I would suggest, first of all, that you get a room that
is off-limits to him, which you can keep tidy and clean without
interference from him. Second, he has to learn to help out. How
about sitting down with him, in a non-confrontational way, and
discussing, together, what has to be done to keep the house tidy?
Then, divvy up the chores so that you are not doing everything.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
Katherine



But if she says a huge fight ensues every time she brings it
up...well, I think it's time for a counselor. A lot of men simply
have no idea how exhausting a baby can be, let alone a sick and fussy
one. Allaya, can you talk to your doctor about recommending someone
to talk to your husband? Otherwise, I'd say Katherine has a point
about maybe closing off one room to him and his clutter. That
doesn't help with rooms like kitchen and bathroom that HAVE to be
cleaned though. I'm so sorry, Allaya (and thankful I don't have this
problem).

You're right, of course, about counselling probably being necessary, but
that could be difficult to persuade him, if he doesn't see that he has a
problem.
I have a similar problem, but we have managed to work most of it out,
thankfully! I am a little less particular, and he does a little more. We
hire someone to come in twice a month to do the floors and bathrooms, and we
manage to keep the rest mostly under control. Not always, but most of the
time. g
Katherine

Well, Allaya you've been given some good advice already, but here's a little
nugget to mull over. Could you try picking up all of the stuff he leaves
around on the floor, put it all in a box, hide the box. When he comes asking
'have you seen....?' say yes the last time I saw it, it was on the floor in
such and such a room. If things keep disappearing for a while, maybe he'll
get the hint, without you saying a word. Works for kids, maybe it will work
for husbands. Might take a big box though.

I trained 3 husbands and a son that way and also trained them to put the
seat down by waiting until they were doing something they enjoyed, and then
nicely asking them to come with me. I would lead them to the bathroom, and
when we got there, *very* nicely ask them to put the seat down. Only took 3
times each and they had it figured out! LOL

In the meantime, I send a big hug to you {{{{{{{{Allaya}}}}}}

--
Star love,
Norma
PM OES

In article V4Vkc.6005$fE.4054@fed1read02,
Allaya Diep wrote:
snip
It gets me so angry sometimes...he'll just throw things on the floor
without any regard and if he sees something that shouldn't be there,
he'll just ignore it and step over it. He's totally oblivious to the
mess he creates, and constantly denies making any...he just moves from
room to room until there's no more room to make a mess. There's always
an excuse not to pick something up and throw it away.
snip
I've tried being nice and asking him to do it, and I"ve tried getting
angry...I've even tried bribing him. Nothing seems to work.
snip
I'm so bummed I can't even tell you. I don't know what to do because
every time I bring up the subject, a HUGE fight ensues.

I can't necessarily recommend it because I don't know all the details
(none of my business), but I know a woman whose now-ex-H used to do that.
She finally just put all the clothes he left on the floor in black plastic
trash bags. When he ignored them (and I mean walked past them while they
sat in the house for well over six months), she threw it all away. He
never said a word and just bought more.

It could save you some laundry time. :-)

=Tamar

norma woods wrote:
Well, Allaya you've been given some good advice already, but here's a little
nugget to mull over. Could you try picking up all of the stuff he leaves
around on the floor, put it all in a box, hide the box. When he comes asking
'have you seen....?' say yes the last time I saw it, it was on the floor in
such and such a room. If things keep disappearing for a while, maybe he'll
get the hint, without you saying a word. Works for kids, maybe it will work
for husbands. Might take a big box though.

I trained 3 husbands and a son that way and also trained them to put the
seat down by waiting until they were doing something they enjoyed, and then
nicely asking them to come with me. I would lead them to the bathroom, and
when we got there, *very* nicely ask them to put the seat down. Only took 3
times each and they had it figured out! LOL

In the meantime, I send a big hug to you {{{{{{{{Allaya}}}}}}


I hate to say this, but if he actually LEAVES SPILLED SODA ON THE FLOOR,
he might be totally hopeless. Sorry to be such a downer.

LOL Norma -- I've been picking up things and putting them into boxes for so
long, i have a third bedroom filled to the ceiling with boxes of stuff he's
left behind! :P He keeps on saying he's going to look through them, but
for some of them, it's been over 4 years (we'll have been married 5 years in
August)!! My theory is, if I don't miss it after a year, out to the trash
it goes. He seems to have some sort of compulsion about holding on to
things! *shrug* It was a nice thought though!

Maybe counseling will work...but who knows? I went to a therapist once (for
somewhat unrealted issues) and this came up. She invited DH to sit in on a
session, but nothing seemed to come of it. DH likes to make excuses, and he
always has an answer for "Why don't you..." He's a VERY intelligent person,
and I think he just outwitted the therapist too much, because she was
utterly speechless afterwards. The other thought I had is that people just
don't believe me when I complain about this, that it's so bad. I think my
last straw *gulp* is to take pictures. I'm so ashamed of my house and I'm
so embarassed to have any of my friends or ANYBODY for that matter over. I
shudder when I hear the doorbell ring and I know the FedEx guy can see
inside at how horrible things look.

I thought maybe it would help if I gave up my hobby room and let him use it
as an office...he's filled that room with all sorts of boxes and papers all
over the floor...now he moved to the diningroom table because he says "he
can't get any work done" in his office. UGH! Now I don't have a place to
eat...if I move anything the world must end or something because he freaks
out that I'll misarrange one of his "piles." Eeesh. I'll see what I can do
counseling wise again...see if I can find a genius counselor who can
outsmart him!

Allaya

"norma woods" wrote in message
. ..
Well, Allaya you've been given some good advice already, but here's a
little
nugget to mull over. Could you try picking up all of the stuff he leaves
around on the floor, put it all in a box, hide the box. When he comes
asking
'have you seen....?' say yes the last time I saw it, it was on the floor
in
such and such a room. If things keep disappearing for a while, maybe he'll
get the hint, without you saying a word. Works for kids, maybe it will
work
for husbands. Might take a big box though.

I trained 3 husbands and a son that way and also trained them to put the
seat down by waiting until they were doing something they enjoyed, and
then
nicely asking them to come with me. I would lead them to the bathroom, and
when we got there, *very* nicely ask them to put the seat down. Only took
3
times each and they had it figured out! LOL

In the meantime, I send a big hug to you {{{{{{{{Allaya}}}}}}

--
Star love,
Norma
PM OES

It gets me so angry sometimes...he'll just throw things on the floor without
any regard and if he sees something that shouldn't be there, he'll just
ignore it and step over it.

Allaya - The best way to handle a slob is to throw out anything that isn't
where it is supposed to be. Don't even ask him/her what it is, just pitch it.
Eventually, he/she will get the message. Frances
Take Jacques out before replying.

Hey Norma , are you for Hire as Husband trainer???
mirjam
wrote:

Well, Allaya you've been given some good advice already, but here's a little
nugget to mull over. Could you try picking up all of the stuff he leaves
around on the floor, put it all in a box, hide the box. When he comes asking
'have you seen....?' say yes the last time I saw it, it was on the floor in
such and such a room. If things keep disappearing for a while, maybe he'll
get the hint, without you saying a word. Works for kids, maybe it will work
for husbands. Might take a big box though.

I trained 3 husbands and a son that way and also trained them to put the
seat down by waiting until they were doing something they enjoyed, and then
nicely asking them to come with me. I would lead them to the bathroom, and
when we got there, *very* nicely ask them to put the seat down. Only took 3
times each and they had it figured out! LOL

In the meantime, I send a big hug to you {{{{{{{{Allaya}}}}}}

--
Star love,
Norma
PM OES