OT and very long: Help on how to help a friend

It shows your sincere caring that you're spending the time to think and
write about this. It's a very difficult situation. I agree with what Tia
Mary, Cheryl and the others are saying - for the most part.

The only other thing you could do - find out if there is a local anger
management or stress management counselor, or a counselor that specializes
in people with image problems, severe obesity, etc. that she could see. It
sounds like her anger and frustration is just building up. But then you
have to be able to go for coffee with her, and tell her that you'd like to
talk - and then tell her, honestly but compassionately that you're
concerned, as are her other friends - not that you don't like her, but that
she has so much bothering her that her behaviour has become
self-destructive, or hard on your friendships. And give her the list of
counselors that might help - even if her mother doesn't believe in it - you
can make the point that she's an adult, etc. But, be prepared for the
backlash. Also - can you call her brother? Not wanting to stress the very
pregnant sister - but maybe talking with a sibling will help in getting your
friend help, and providing some awareness towards issues with the baby. In
reality - she may just distance herself from the new baby rather than being
likely to harm it.

Many years ago, someone in my family was having some problems, and I
remember the psychiatrist/therapist telling my mom that we had to let this
person hit bottom before they would respond to therapy, help. For some
people, issues, that is just the way it is. And then you hope and pray.

Hoping you can help your friend, or point her on a way to some help,
ellice

On 1/12/04 5:57 PM,"Tia Mary-remove nekoluvr to reply"
posted:

From: "CANDY CORRIGAN"

..... Is there anything we can do, but sit around and wait to pick up the
pieces
if there are any left, when this thing finally blows?

I'll have to agree with everyone else -- there just isn't much you can do
for your friend at this point in time. As John said, unless she is in
imminent
danger of harming herself or someone else, you have to just let her hit
bottom.
If you feel she is "worth" the effort (and doesn't *that* sound horrid, but
it's true) the best you can probably do for her is to reassure her that you
are
there for her if she needs you. But again, as Cheryl said, it WILL take a lot
out of you which is why I ask if her friendship is worth the effort.
One thing you DO have the right to do is to be honest with her. If she come
to you for a shoulder to cry on, tell her honestly that you don't feel she
really wants any help. Everything you have suggested has been turned down and
she has been rude in the process.
When talking with her, do your best to be non-judgmental in your wording.
There's a GREAT difference between saying "You were rude to me" (this sounds
accusatory) and saying "I feel that what you said was rude" (this is a
statement of YOUR opinion). Try not to use the word "you" if possible as this
can easily put her on the defensive.
All in all, you are in a very tough situation. If it were me and I had done
as much for her as you have done, I would simply tell her that since my advice
hadn't helped her so far, then it wasn't judged to be good advice and I
wouldn't be giving any more of it! CiaoMeow ^;;^

Ellice the anger management group sounds like a good idea, if we could get
her to reognize she needs help.
I think we will need to wait until she hits borttom before we can do that.

Unfortunately her brother lives on the other side of the country and has
more or less divorced himself from the family.
He flies in once a year aroung Christmas, stays a week and leaves.

Candy
"Ellice" wrote in message
...
It shows your sincere caring that you're spending the time to think and
write about this. It's a very difficult situation. I agree with what Tia
Mary, Cheryl and the others are saying - for the most part.

The only other thing you could do - find out if there is a local anger
management or stress management counselor, or a counselor that specializes
in people with image problems, severe obesity, etc. that she could see. It
sounds like her anger and frustration is just building up. But then you
have to be able to go for coffee with her, and tell her that you'd like to
talk - and then tell her, honestly but compassionately that you're
concerned, as are her other friends - not that you don't like her, but
that
she has so much bothering her that her behaviour has become
self-destructive, or hard on your friendships. And give her the list of
counselors that might help - even if her mother doesn't believe in it -
you
can make the point that she's an adult, etc. But, be prepared for the
backlash. Also - can you call her brother? Not wanting to stress the very
pregnant sister - but maybe talking with a sibling will help in getting
your
friend help, and providing some awareness towards issues with the baby. In
reality - she may just distance herself from the new baby rather than
being
likely to harm it.

Many years ago, someone in my family was having some problems, and I
remember the psychiatrist/therapist telling my mom that we had to let this
person hit bottom before they would respond to therapy, help. For some
people, issues, that is just the way it is. And then you hope and pray.

Hoping you can help your friend, or point her on a way to some help,
ellice

On 1/12/04 5:57 PM,"Tia Mary-remove nekoluvr to reply"
posted:

From: "CANDY CORRIGAN"

..... Is there anything we can do, but sit around and wait to pick up
the
pieces
if there are any left, when this thing finally blows?

I'll have to agree with everyone else -- there just isn't much you can
do
for your friend at this point in time. As John said, unless she is in
imminent
danger of harming herself or someone else, you have to just let her hit
bottom.
If you feel she is "worth" the effort (and doesn't *that* sound horrid,
but
it's true) the best you can probably do for her is to reassure her that
you
are
there for her if she needs you. But again, as Cheryl said, it WILL take
a lot
out of you which is why I ask if her friendship is worth the effort.
One thing you DO have the right to do is to be honest with her. If she
come
to you for a shoulder to cry on, tell her honestly that you don't feel
she
really wants any help. Everything you have suggested has been turned
down and
she has been rude in the process.
When talking with her, do your best to be non-judgmental in your
wording.
There's a GREAT difference between saying "You were rude to me" (this
sounds
accusatory) and saying "I feel that what you said was rude" (this is a
statement of YOUR opinion). Try not to use the word "you" if possible
as this
can easily put her on the defensive.
All in all, you are in a very tough situation. If it were me and I had
done
as much for her as you have done, I would simply tell her that since my
advice
hadn't helped her so far, then it wasn't judged to be good advice and I
wouldn't be giving any more of it! CiaoMeow ^;;^

Candy,

If "Ann" is living with a practicing alcoholic, then she's sick, too. We
call 'em "untreated Al-Anons." (I'm a sober alcoholic.) Think of a plant
trying to grow under a rock, all twisted and pale. The alky is the rock,
she's the plant.

go he

http://www.ola-is.org/

On the left of the page, look for Al-Anon Contacts. Find a local
contact. Call them and say your sober friend Ruthie told you to get
ahold of a "Black Belt Al-Anon" to 12th-step a friend. Don't forewarn
"Ann" in advance. (Oops; redundant!) Just get them together.

Al-anons have a hard time, because *they're* not the alcoholic. They
have to recover from a disease they don't have. They have a lot to learn
and unlearn. Even more than us drunks, really. But if she grabs ahold of
the program, she can turn her life around.

Many folks have the false perception that Al-Anon is about helping your
drunk to quit, but it's not. It's about figuring out how to live with
your loved one's disease. Helps them decide whether to stay or leave,
for instance. If the alky finds sobriety, that's gravy.

And the disease doesn't quit if the alky stops drinking, either. As one
Al-Anon friend of mine said, "When you take the alcohol out of the
alcoholic, you're left with the ic." That's ic as in ick.

She
was beginning to sound like the bad fairy in Sleeping Beauty.

Tell her that. Maybe she'll hear it!

Another "diagnosis" could be depression. One of the symptoms is that
NOTHING HELPS. I.e. one can't be bothered to try anything that might be
helpful, because you KNOW that nothing will work. I was lucky when mine
hit, I knew there were drugs that helped. This extends to everything,
not just medicine. At my worst, someone could have handed me a couple of
billion dollars, and my reaction would have been "Yeah, thanks."

Anyway, you are a caring person. Forgive yourself in advance, to make it
easier to lose her as a friend, if that's what eventually happens. Keep
in mind that there are people that you can't help.

Ruthie in CO