Christmas with Louise

DH passed this along last week, and now I sent it to you...

********

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who would
buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my
truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I
wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of
the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in
a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the
bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could
have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride
in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by
the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It
was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several
bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

--
Royce
A day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel.

In article ,
"Royce" wrote:

DH passed this along last week, and now I sent it to you...

********

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.


snipping to save Granny's weak heart

You forgot the spew warning! Get over here and clean off my monitor,
desk and keyboard! LOL!
--
Sandy in Henderson, near Las Vegas
my ISP is earthlink.net
http://home.earthlink.net/~s-foster

Oh, Gosh! I laughed myself sick. This was a really great story!

--
Carolyn in The Old Pueblo

If it ain't broke, you aren't trying. --Red Green
If it ain't broke, it ain't mine. Carolyn McCarty

"Royce" wrote in message
...
DH passed this along last week, and now I sent it to you...

********

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who
would
buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in
my
truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I
wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of
the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen
in
a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the
bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for
a
couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I
could
have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride
in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by
the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It
was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise
that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a
heap
in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa
ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of
Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several
bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

--
Royce
A day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel.

Loved it.Still have a silly grin on my face. Happy new year to all. I'm
working so wont get back on net til probably 2nd. trish in Sydney

Come clean the monitor! This needed a beverage warning. I'm still
chuckling away ...

--
Sharon From Melbourne Australia (Queen of Down Under)
http://www.geocities.com/shazrules/index.html

"Royce" wrote in message
...
DH passed this along last week, and now I sent it to you...

********

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who
would
buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in
my
truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I
wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of
the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen
in
a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the
bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for
a
couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I
could
have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride
in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by
the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It
was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise
that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a
heap
in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa
ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of
Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several
bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

--
Royce
A day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel.

That was oh sooooo funny thanks for sharing


Flossy
Malvern England
***** Queen of Plaids ******
http://photos.yahoo.com/flossy3353

Snipped to deflate the situation...

;D OUCH! My stitches hurt!
--
Kate XXXXXX
Lady Catherine, Wardrobe Mistress of the Chocolate Buttons
http://www.diceyhome.free-online.co.uk
Click on Kate's Pages and explore!

Glad you all enjoyed it! Been off-line for a while, lots going on...will
fill in later when all is settled.

--
Royce
A day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel.


"Royce" wrote in message
...
DH passed this along last week, and now I sent it to you...

********

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who
would
buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in
my
truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I
wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of
the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen
in
a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the
bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for
a
couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I
could
have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride
in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by
the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It
was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise
that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a
heap
in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa
ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of
Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several
bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

--
Royce
A day hemmed in prayer is less likely to unravel.