OT several short jokes

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring
the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing
a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier
beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that
happened more often?!!!
===========

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my
elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for
a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not
have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
================

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that
they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
====================

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her
down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride
kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front
pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As
her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit
card.
=======================

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea.
=======================

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When
you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning
over you, what would you like them to say? "

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
=========================

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to
talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million
years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what
does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith
asks," Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".
=================================

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful
to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
=======================================

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
"Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says
"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put
the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you
man and wife."
====================================

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one
last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
==================================

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come
back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man
you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
"You might be,! " she says. "Your face looks familiar."
===============================

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll
see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke
to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my
advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

Thanks, LN. I forwarded on to my sisters. Polly

Thanks! These were great, and I am forwarding them on. Bless you, I needed
a few laughs tonight and you provided them.

--
Carolyn in The Old Pueblo

If it ain't broke, you aren't trying. --Red Green
If it ain't broke, it ain't mine. --Carolyn McCarty

If at first you don't succeed, switch to power tools --Red Green
If at first you don't succeed, get a bigger hammer. --Carolyn McCarty

"LN (remove NOSPAM)" wrote in message
...
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring
the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line
pushing
a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier
beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that
happened more often?!!!
===========

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my
elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait
for
a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may
not
have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
================

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that
they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
====================

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her
down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride
kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the
front
pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As
her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit
card.
=======================

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea.
=======================

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When
you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning
over you, what would you like them to say? "

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
=========================

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to
talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million
years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what
does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith
asks," Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".
=================================

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is
unfaithful
to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact,
She
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
=======================================

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
"Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says
"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put
the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce
you
man and wife."
====================================

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one
last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
==================================

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to
come
back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first
man
you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
"You might be,! " she says. "Your face looks familiar."
===============================

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll
see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke
to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my
advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

Thanks

They made me laugh

Fred

--
Fred Lebow
Vice President -
Non Wovens - Embroidery Stabilizers
HTCW Products

http://www.htcwproducts.net
http://www.handsonsewingschools.com/Orlando/Orlando.htm
Feb 23-26
"LN (remove NOSPAM)" wrote in message
...
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring
the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line
pushing
a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier
beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that
happened more often?!!!
===========

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my
elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait
for
a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may
not
have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
================

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that
they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
====================

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her
down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride
kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the
front
pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As
her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit
card.
=======================

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
should
relax and get used to the idea.
=======================

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When
you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning
over you, what would you like them to say? "

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
=========================

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to
talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million
years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what
does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith
asks," Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".
=================================

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is
unfaithful
to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact,
She
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
=======================================

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
"Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says
"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put
the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce
you
man and wife."
====================================

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one
last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
==================================

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to
come
back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first
man
you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
"You might be,! " she says. "Your face looks familiar."
===============================

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
I'll
see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke
to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my
advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! Where on earth do you dig these up?

Monitor cleaning squad to the North Downs please!

--
Kate XXXXXX
Lady Catherine, Wardrobe Mistress of the Chocolate Buttons
http://www.diceyhome.free-online.co.uk
Click on Kate's Pages and explore!

My mom forwards 100s of emails. You guys see less than 10% of them. LOL

--
LN in NH
a crazy quilter * hand quilter * & hand appliquér
all in all --- a very slow quilter.... So send quilts!
http://photos.yahoo.com/lns_obsessed

"Kate Dicey" wrote in message
...

AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! Where on earth do you dig these up?

Monitor cleaning squad to the North Downs please!

--
Kate XXXXXX
Lady Catherine, Wardrobe Mistress of the Chocolate Buttons
http://www.diceyhome.free-online.co.uk
Click on Kate's Pages and explore!