OT : Completlely OT Wedding & best friends question

Okay gang - I'm pulsing this oh so unopinionated group - seriously, as I
believe many of you have better or more experience than me, etc, blah, blah.
Warning - this is long 'cause I feel compelled to give some background.

So, our best friends have 4 kids, who are essentially like ours. All
acknowledge that we're closer with them than any "blood" relations. 3
girls, 27,23, 18 & boy almost 26. We're extremely close with the 3 oldest,
the youngest is the thankfully gotten more mature, difficult ADHD with
serious hypochondria issues (but smart). The oldest girl & brother have
been really, really close forever - and the next girl almost as close since
the later teen years. Brother got engaged in August to the long-time
girlfriend who is also about 25 - they met at VA Tech, and are ardent alums,
with lots of friends from college & high school still in the area. He was
one of the partying type - even if an engineer - and they're great.

Wedding planned for Memorial Day weekend - all good - Sat. afternoon. His
parents are very, very, very conscientious of treating their kids like
adults, being responsible & most of all not prying. This is to the point of
often abrogating the "parent decision" thing. Comes from a good place - but
he was an only child, very poor, with a stepmother and father who'd come
from Europe. She had a big family, great parents, but when younger, her dad
was very strict, and very kind of overbearing as to what should be done - so
she's quite sensitive about meddling - and a socially kind of shy person
(not in the work world - just the strictly social one). I'm helping them
with the rehearsal dinner (as I've done lots of special events for them),
and the son had actually asked me to do this with his mom. In general these
are very generous, social welfare conscious people. Just kind of space
cadets with the mundane.

Here's my dilemma:
Last night was over there hanging out (DH was doing high school hockey
marathon in the area). Youngest kid there with other teens - so all
pleasantries, etc during dinner. After kids gone we're finishing our wine,
chatting about the wedding. The dad says "I just follow orders." OK, then
we talk about the rehearsal thing - which is now at 1 pm on Friday (way out
in the country at some manor house) and they're thinking about a brunch. We
talk options, and I point out that perhaps just brunch for those actually in
the rehearsal would be okay, but not for the "rehearsal dinner" as many of
the close out-of-town friend/family won't be in yet, and suggest maybe an
earliesh, relaxed dinner, so that then the younger set can go out and do
whatever & the older folks (like us) can hang out. So far so good. Then
mom says I need to take her for a dress - she has an e-mail from the bride
whose mother is considering having alterations done to a black dress she's
already worn to have it tea/cocktail length. OK - I'm surprised. Dad says
he's already been measured for his tux - great.

Now...I say "so, are the girls excited, have they ordered dresses?" To
which the reply is..."They're not in the wedding." My eyes flew wide open,
to my big "HUH???" Mom shrugs, and the dad says, well the couple are doing
what they want, and, well, you know, they have a lot of friends, so....I
don't think the girls are offended. I say "well, was it the 3 (as in
including the youngest) or none thing?" They say, no, just they have a lot
of friends. I'm trying not to blurt out something, and then the dad says
"Well, I gather they were asked if they would be offended first." Huh. I
know no ill feeling was intended, but I really was surprised. Came home
with DH from the rink, and as we're eating the midnight supper, I tell him
this. He completely freaked out for the girls. Point being that it's not
about them being offended but having incredibly hurt feelings. Plus, just
asking someone if they'd be offended implies the offending decision has
already been made. We know these people well, and years ago she wanted to
ask people if they wanted to be invited to a kid's bar mitzvah before doing
the list - to which I told her "you don't ask people that - either they're
important enough for you to invite and then they'll respond - or they're
not." So, these girls would never tell their brother that they're offended
- but both DH & I are really a little concerned that the parents missed the
boat, which the brother totally bypassed about their feelings being so hurt.
These kids are all in the same age group, socialize together a lot, and for
goodness sake - the bride only has 1 sister. So, now what they haven't
thought about is we think the groom's sisters have absolutely no role in the
wedding. Evidently the parents didn't even suggest to the groom that he
should ask his sisters first, and let them offer to not be in the wedding if
it would be too much, and to show they have value in his life, and future
life. These are the girls that asked me to give the fiance a piece of
jewelry when I was divesting in the fall. DH's first response - these are
his sisters - maybe don't ask the youngest, but the other 2 should be in
there before the gaggle of friends.

So my dilemma is - to I suggest to the mom something about being sure that
the girls feelings aren't hurt? For her to mention to the brother that the
sisters should have some role, value, in the wedding - seriously - the groom
& his family are part of the wedding as well. Cause as it stands they are
totally on the outside looking in when that wedding week comes along, and I
just see a lot of hurt happening on the side. DH thinks we should find
some way to broach the subject - I've already laid the thought that at least
the rehearsal dinner is the chance for the groom's family to show their
graciousness, etc. Ugh. Or are we (whose only child is a furface)
overrecating 'cause we love all these kids? Honestly, I think the parents
just didn't even think about making sure that the son also takes into
account the feelings of his own family. I'm sure it just blew right by.

Thoughts????

Ellice

On 1/14/2012 11:05 AM, Ellice K. wrote:
Okay gang - I'm pulsing this oh so unopinionated group - seriously, as I
believe many of you have better or more experience than me, etc, blah, blah.
Warning - this is long 'cause I feel compelled to give some background.


DH's first response - these are
his sisters - maybe don't ask the youngest, but the other 2 should be in
there before the gaggle of friends.

So my dilemma is - to I suggest to the mom something about being sure that
the girls feelings aren't hurt? For her to mention to the brother that the
sisters should have some role, value, in the wedding - seriously - the groom
& his family are part of the wedding as well. Cause as it stands they are
totally on the outside looking in when that wedding week comes along, and I
just see a lot of hurt happening on the side. DH thinks we should find
some way to broach the subject - I've already laid the thought that at least
the rehearsal dinner is the chance for the groom's family to show their
graciousness, etc. Ugh. Or are we (whose only child is a furface)
overrecating 'cause we love all these kids? Honestly, I think the parents
just didn't even think about making sure that the son also takes into
account the feelings of his own family. I'm sure it just blew right by.

Thoughts????

Ellice


Ellice,

I have been in the wedding industry for a VERY long time. It is common
for the bridesmaids not to be the siblings. Often they are asked to
participate in other ways (such as presenting the guest book, doing a
reading at church, presenting the gifts at the alter, or singing a song
at the service.)

The bridesmaids are the BRIDE's choice and it is possible that she has
her reasons. I have seen both brides and grooms to have honor persons of
the opposite gender as well. It may be that there is a limit to the size
of the wedding party that would make it too large if she included the
sisters. The persons chosen may be very dear to her (sisters of the
heart??). Many brides are not intimate with the groom's siblings or as
close to them EMOTIONally. This could have been a hard choice for her.

I would let the matter lie. The dynamics within the family are influx as
the newlyweds find their new place it. This is what the engagement
period is all about. Will mistakes be made? Most likely, but interfering
will add outside pressure that may disrupt this process.

HTH Bobbie V

On 1/14/12 11:55 AM, in article ,
"bobbieviorritto" wrote:

On 1/14/2012 11:05 AM, Ellice K. wrote:
Okay gang - I'm pulsing this oh so unopinionated group - seriously, as I
believe many of you have better or more experience than me, etc, blah, blah.
Warning - this is long 'cause I feel compelled to give some background.


DH's first response - these are
his sisters - maybe don't ask the youngest, but the other 2 should be in
there before the gaggle of friends.

So my dilemma is - to I suggest to the mom something about being sure that
the girls feelings aren't hurt? For her to mention to the brother that the
sisters should have some role, value, in the wedding - seriously - the groom
& his family are part of the wedding as well. Cause as it stands they are
totally on the outside looking in when that wedding week comes along, and I
just see a lot of hurt happening on the side. DH thinks we should find
some way to broach the subject - I've already laid the thought that at least
the rehearsal dinner is the chance for the groom's family to show their
graciousness, etc. Ugh. Or are we (whose only child is a furface)
overrecating 'cause we love all these kids? Honestly, I think the parents
just didn't even think about making sure that the son also takes into
account the feelings of his own family. I'm sure it just blew right by.

Thoughts????

Ellice


Ellice,

I have been in the wedding industry for a VERY long time. It is common
for the bridesmaids not to be the siblings. Often they are asked to
participate in other ways (such as presenting the guest book, doing a
reading at church, presenting the gifts at the alter, or singing a song
at the service.)

Yup, I understand much of this. And personally feel a lot has to do with
the overabundance of ridiculous merchandising with websites & tv, and the
movement away from actual courtesy. I've been doing events for about 20
years, and have seen the gamut. For me, I try to remind people about being
gracious towards their guests, and their own family.

This particular wedding is a weird mishmash as the groom & family are very
active with their synagogue, while the bride is a pretty not participatory
Christian. Not slurring - just how it is. So, in a really unique twist,
the college friend of theirs that was present at the bar/party where they
met, got a mail-order ordination of who knows what denomination, and is
doing the ceremony, however the county will not accept him as the legal
authority, therefore they're having a magistrate present to sign the
documents.

Just as an FYI, Jewish weddings do not typically have the additional
readings - though someone may be honored with performing certain blessings.
The more standard is that there is a ceremony in synagogue at the Shabbat
services before the wedding, and the groom's family would be honored with
candle lightings, etc. Certainly there is no such thing as gifts to the
altar, but I have seen songs done.

The bridesmaids are the BRIDE's choice and it is possible that she has
her reasons. I have seen both brides and grooms to have honor persons of
the opposite gender as well. It may be that there is a limit to the size
of the wedding party that would make it too large if she included the
sisters. The persons chosen may be very dear to her (sisters of the
heart??). Many brides are not intimate with the groom's siblings or as
close to them EMOTIONally. This could have been a hard choice for her.

True. Though in this case the reason we're a bit troubled is we know how
close all of them are. And our reaction was this is one of those situations
where the young bride is falling into the "everyone I was ever friends with"
thing is invited or participating, but as we know - most of those people
will be out of their lives in a few years. But the family is still your
family. These are young people that have socialized together for a long
time, visiting at their various colleges, arranging parties together when
they're all in the same town - the bride, groom, his 2 oldest sisters. When
the groom has been away, the bride has been quite involved even then with
his family - even for the 2 years before the engagement. I know for a fact
that months ago these girls with the fiance, were excitedly talking/planning
about the wedding festivities. Hence, I have to think it's an odd &
shortsighted thing to have them with no role whatsoever in their brothers'
wedding - at least the oldest 2. No issue with the younger one at all.

I think what troubles us most is that we honestly believe it's a sort of
unintentional hurt to the groom's sisters. The parents really are oblivious
about some things and even if the bridesmaid's are the bride's choice -
isn't there some level of parental guidance or the like put upon considering
the whole picture. As it is, the sisters are essentially just guests at
their brothers' wedding - and that is not how anything has ever been with
them. To the point that at one affair I felt that the 2 oldest were having
too much of a say, involvement in the 3rd kid's special event.

For us, at our wedding there was no question that DH's sisters wouldn't be
in the wedding - they're much older, not close, and kind of horrid to me.
In my prior more traditional so to speak wedding, honestly, my DM made it
clear that I had to ask my SIL (DB's wife) to be in the bridal party - and
she was the PITA she is, but I did it, and honestly, it was the right thing
to do. The other 3 girls were just fine with it, and that's life - but it
honored my DB in some way as well.

I would let the matter lie. The dynamics within the family are influx as
the newlyweds find their new place it. This is what the engagement
period is all about. Will mistakes be made? Most likely, but interfering
will add outside pressure that may disrupt this process.

HTH Bobbie V

I get your points. I don't know - DH & I were talking about this over
brunch. I'll see the daughters sometime soon, and be able to pulse them
about how they're really feeling. Clearly it's OBE about the bridesmaid
thing, but I'd like to be sure that the parents/groom do whatever to make
them feel included. The girls/young women are way too polite, and shy of
discussing really emotional things with their parents (they do that with me
- they think the mom is too out there & behaviourally conservative which is
not true at all, and we all know that dad is an example of the smoke coming
out of his ears whenever he is faced with his little girls being not so
little anymore) to actually have told the parents they're feeling a little
hurt, or whatever. OTOH, they would definitely tell me when they see me if
they're at all concerned, bothered, hurt or really "it's all good." I have
to take them all shopping for clothes anyhow!

We'll see - thanks for the input.

Ellice

Like Bobbi, I, too, have "done" weddings for years -- alterations,
wedding planning, etc. Protocol is that the groom's sisters should NOT
expect to be in the wedding *unless* they are very close friends with
the Bride. Same thing goes for the brides brothers (if there are any)
-- they would only be groomsmen **if** they were very close to the
groom. It's easier finding "jobs" for the extra men in a wedding (like
the brides brothers) -- they can be ushers. "Jobs" for extra women are
limited to taking care of the guest book! As Bobbi said, extra men or
women can do readings or sing and I have been to weddings where there
were several readings and several songs done by different people.
I'm sitting here wracking my brain because I keep thinking there is
something else a woman could do to help besides taking care of the guest
book. Even if they aren't involved somehow, you could always suggest
that the groom mention that he would like to have small corsages for his
sisters. That's a way to let everyone know that they are family and
thus important even if they are not given some sort of job either during
the wedding or at the reception.
OOOOOOO if the "church" or the bride doesn't have a wedding planner
to assist before the service, the bride could always ask one of the
sisters to stay with the wedding party before the service begins. Even
if there is a wedding planner, one of the sisters could still help do
all the little things that no one ever thinks about and it IS a very
important job. Also, someone needs to be there just before the bride
starts her walk down the aisle to make sure her dress, train, veil, etc.
are all laying properly. Even if there is a wedding planner/assistant,
I have found that a bride is usually in need of close female support as
she is getting ready to walk down the aisle. Sure Daddy is there with
her but he's, well, a HE, and a wedding planner might be there but s/he
isn't really close to the bride.
I don't think there is a problem with you talking to the sisters to
find out how they feel. For all you know, the bride might already have
asked them to take care of the guest book -- which is often done by two
people, not just one. I *do* wish I could remember what the other thing
is that people are asked to take care of -- VBS. It's hell getting old
-- LOL! Anyway, let us know what happens, OK? I'm nosy and like to
find out how these sorts of dilemmas are resolved. CiaoMeow ^;;^

PAX, Tia Mary /\___/\

On 1/14/2012 9:05 AM, Ellice K. wrote:
Okay gang - I'm pulsing this oh so unopinionated group - seriously, as I
believe many of you have better or more experience than me, etc, blah, blah.
Warning - this is long 'cause I feel compelled to give some background.

So, our best friends have 4 kids, who are essentially like ours. All
acknowledge that we're closer with them than any "blood" relations. 3
girls, 27,23, 18& boy almost 26. We're extremely close with the 3 oldest,
the youngest is the thankfully gotten more mature, difficult ADHD with
serious hypochondria issues (but smart). The oldest girl& brother have
been really, really close forever - and the next girl almost as close since
the later teen years. Brother got engaged in August to the long-time
girlfriend who is also about 25 - they met at VA Tech, and are ardent alums,
with lots of friends from college& high school still in the area. He was
one of the partying type - even if an engineer - and they're great.

Wedding planned for Memorial Day weekend - all good - Sat. afternoon. His
parents are very, very, very conscientious of treating their kids like
adults, being responsible& most of all not prying. This is to the point of
often abrogating the "parent decision" thing. Comes from a good place - but
he was an only child, very poor, with a stepmother and father who'd come
from Europe. She had a big family, great parents, but when younger, her dad
was very strict, and very kind of overbearing as to what should be done - so
she's quite sensitive about meddling - and a socially kind of shy person
(not in the work world - just the strictly social one). I'm helping them
with the rehearsal dinner (as I've done lots of special events for them),
and the son had actually asked me to do this with his mom. In general these
are very generous, social welfare conscious people. Just kind of space
cadets with the mundane.

Here's my dilemma:
Last night was over there hanging out (DH was doing high school hockey
marathon in the area). Youngest kid there with other teens - so all
pleasantries, etc during dinner. After kids gone we're finishing our wine,
chatting about the wedding. The dad says "I just follow orders." OK, then
we talk about the rehearsal thing - which is now at 1 pm on Friday (way out
in the country at some manor house) and they're thinking about a brunch. We
talk options, and I point out that perhaps just brunch for those actually in
the rehearsal would be okay, but not for the "rehearsal dinner" as many of
the close out-of-town friend/family won't be in yet, and suggest maybe an
earliesh, relaxed dinner, so that then the younger set can go out and do
whatever& the older folks (like us) can hang out. So far so good. Then
mom says I need to take her for a dress - she has an e-mail from the bride
whose mother is considering having alterations done to a black dress she's
already worn to have it tea/cocktail length. OK - I'm surprised. Dad says
he's already been measured for his tux - great.

Now...I say "so, are the girls excited, have they ordered dresses?" To
which the reply is..."They're not in the wedding." My eyes flew wide open,
to my big "HUH???" Mom shrugs, and the dad says, well the couple are doing
what they want, and, well, you know, they have a lot of friends, so....I
don't think the girls are offended. I say "well, was it the 3 (as in
including the youngest) or none thing?" They say, no, just they have a lot
of friends. I'm trying not to blurt out something, and then the dad says
"Well, I gather they were asked if they would be offended first." Huh. I
know no ill feeling was intended, but I really was surprised. Came home
with DH from the rink, and as we're eating the midnight supper, I tell him
this. He completely freaked out for the girls. Point being that it's not
about them being offended but having incredibly hurt feelings. Plus, just
asking someone if they'd be offended implies the offending decision has
already been made. We know these people well, and years ago she wanted to
ask people if they wanted to be invited to a kid's bar mitzvah before doing
the list - to which I told her "you don't ask people that - either they're
important enough for you to invite and then they'll respond - or they're
not." So, these girls would never tell their brother that they're offended
- but both DH& I are really a little concerned that the parents missed the
boat, which the brother totally bypassed about their feelings being so hurt.
These kids are all in the same age group, socialize together a lot, and for
goodness sake - the bride only has 1 sister. So, now what they haven't
thought about is we think the groom's sisters have absolutely no role in the
wedding. Evidently the parents didn't even suggest to the groom that he
should ask his sisters first, and let them offer to not be in the wedding if
it would be too much, and to show they have value in his life, and future
life. These are the girls that asked me to give the fiance a piece of
jewelry when I was divesting in the fall. DH's first response - these are
his sisters - maybe don't ask the youngest, but the other 2 should be in
there before the gaggle of friends.

So my dilemma is - to I suggest to the mom something about being sure that
the girls feelings aren't hurt? For her to mention to the brother that the
sisters should have some role, value, in the wedding - seriously - the groom
& his family are part of the wedding as well. Cause as it stands they are
totally on the outside looking in when that wedding week comes along, and I
just see a lot of hurt happening on the side. DH thinks we should find
some way to broach the subject - I've already laid the thought that at least
the rehearsal dinner is the chance for the groom's family to show their
graciousness, etc. Ugh. Or are we (whose only child is a furface)
overrecating 'cause we love all these kids? Honestly, I think the parents
just didn't even think about making sure that the son also takes into
account the feelings of his own family. I'm sure it just blew right by.

Thoughts????

Ellice

On 2012/01/14 08:58 PM, Ellice K. wrote:
On 1/14/12 11:55 AM, in article ,
wrote:

On 1/14/2012 11:05 AM, Ellice K. wrote:
Okay gang - I'm pulsing this oh so unopinionated group - seriously, as I
believe many of you have better or more experience than me, etc, blah, blah.
Warning - this is long 'cause I feel compelled to give some background.


DH's first response - these are
his sisters - maybe don't ask the youngest, but the other 2 should be in
there before the gaggle of friends.

So my dilemma is - to I suggest to the mom something about being sure that
the girls feelings aren't hurt? For her to mention to the brother that the
sisters should have some role, value, in the wedding - seriously - the groom
& his family are part of the wedding as well. Cause as it stands they are
totally on the outside looking in when that wedding week comes along, and I
just see a lot of hurt happening on the side. DH thinks we should find
some way to broach the subject - I've already laid the thought that at least
the rehearsal dinner is the chance for the groom's family to show their
graciousness, etc. Ugh. Or are we (whose only child is a furface)
overrecating 'cause we love all these kids? Honestly, I think the parents
just didn't even think about making sure that the son also takes into
account the feelings of his own family. I'm sure it just blew right by.

Thoughts????

Ellice


Ellice,

I have been in the wedding industry for a VERY long time. It is common
for the bridesmaids not to be the siblings. Often they are asked to
participate in other ways (such as presenting the guest book, doing a
reading at church, presenting the gifts at the alter, or singing a song
at the service.)

Yup, I understand much of this. And personally feel a lot has to do with
the overabundance of ridiculous merchandising with websites& tv, and the
movement away from actual courtesy. I've been doing events for about 20
years, and have seen the gamut. For me, I try to remind people about being
gracious towards their guests, and their own family.

This particular wedding is a weird mishmash as the groom& family are very
active with their synagogue, while the bride is a pretty not participatory
Christian. Not slurring - just how it is. So, in a really unique twist,
the college friend of theirs that was present at the bar/party where they
met, got a mail-order ordination of who knows what denomination, and is
doing the ceremony, however the county will not accept him as the legal
authority, therefore they're having a magistrate present to sign the
documents.

Just as an FYI, Jewish weddings do not typically have the additional
readings - though someone may be honored with performing certain blessings.
The more standard is that there is a ceremony in synagogue at the Shabbat
services before the wedding, and the groom's family would be honored with
candle lightings, etc. Certainly there is no such thing as gifts to the
altar, but I have seen songs done.

The bridesmaids are the BRIDE's choice and it is possible that she has
her reasons. I have seen both brides and grooms to have honor persons of
the opposite gender as well. It may be that there is a limit to the size
of the wedding party that would make it too large if she included the
sisters. The persons chosen may be very dear to her (sisters of the
heart??). Many brides are not intimate with the groom's siblings or as
close to them EMOTIONally. This could have been a hard choice for her.

True. Though in this case the reason we're a bit troubled is we know how
close all of them are. And our reaction was this is one of those situations
where the young bride is falling into the "everyone I was ever friends with"
thing is invited or participating, but as we know - most of those people
will be out of their lives in a few years. But the family is still your
family. These are young people that have socialized together for a long
time, visiting at their various colleges, arranging parties together when
they're all in the same town - the bride, groom, his 2 oldest sisters. When
the groom has been away, the bride has been quite involved even then with
his family - even for the 2 years before the engagement. I know for a fact
that months ago these girls with the fiance, were excitedly talking/planning
about the wedding festivities. Hence, I have to think it's an odd&
shortsighted thing to have them with no role whatsoever in their brothers'
wedding - at least the oldest 2. No issue with the younger one at all.

I think what troubles us most is that we honestly believe it's a sort of
unintentional hurt to the groom's sisters. The parents really are oblivious
about some things and even if the bridesmaid's are the bride's choice -
isn't there some level of parental guidance or the like put upon considering
the whole picture. As it is, the sisters are essentially just guests at
their brothers' wedding - and that is not how anything has ever been with
them. To the point that at one affair I felt that the 2 oldest were having
too much of a say, involvement in the 3rd kid's special event.

For us, at our wedding there was no question that DH's sisters wouldn't be
in the wedding - they're much older, not close, and kind of horrid to me.
In my prior more traditional so to speak wedding, honestly, my DM made it
clear that I had to ask my SIL (DB's wife) to be in the bridal party - and
she was the PITA she is, but I did it, and honestly, it was the right thing
to do. The other 3 girls were just fine with it, and that's life - but it
honored my DB in some way as well.

I would let the matter lie. The dynamics within the family are influx as
the newlyweds find their new place it. This is what the engagement
period is all about. Will mistakes be made? Most likely, but interfering
will add outside pressure that may disrupt this process.

HTH Bobbie V

I get your points. I don't know - DH& I were talking about this over
brunch. I'll see the daughters sometime soon, and be able to pulse them
about how they're really feeling. Clearly it's OBE about the bridesmaid
thing, but I'd like to be sure that the parents/groom do whatever to make
them feel included. The girls/young women are way too polite, and shy of
discussing really emotional things with their parents (they do that with me
- they think the mom is too out there& behaviourally conservative which is
not true at all, and we all know that dad is an example of the smoke coming
out of his ears whenever he is faced with his little girls being not so
little anymore) to actually have told the parents they're feeling a little
hurt, or whatever. OTOH, they would definitely tell me when they see me if
they're at all concerned, bothered, hurt or really "it's all good." I have
to take them all shopping for clothes anyhow!

We'll see - thanks for the input.

Ellice

I'm afraid if there is any hurt it has already been done. Having things
changed by someone else won't change that.

Joyce in RSA.

I agree with the others...let them figure it out. And if there are no
obvious hurt feelings, don't create them.

There are ways for groom's family to participate. I like the idea of
corsages for sisters of the groom to celebrate them as part of the
"host" families. As another job, as TM was brainstorming, they could be
asked to plan and/or administer the post-wedding departure - bubbles or
rose petals or whatever...hand them out to the wedding guests.

There are plenty of ways they can be involved other than as attendants.

sue




--
Susan Hartman

On 1/15/2012 4:37 PM, Susan Hartman wrote:
I agree with the others...let them figure it out. And if there are no
obvious hurt feelings, don't create them.

There are ways for groom's family to participate. I like the idea of
corsages for sisters of the groom to celebrate them as part of the
"host" families. As another job, as TM was brainstorming, they could be
asked to plan and/or administer the post-wedding departure - bubbles or
rose petals or whatever...hand them out to the wedding guests.

There are plenty of ways they can be involved other than as attendants.

sue




Pay for them to elope!!!!! LOL Wish we had done that with some of the
family weddings.

Gill

On 1/15/12 8:44 PM, in article , "Gillian Murray"
wrote:

On 1/15/2012 4:37 PM, Susan Hartman wrote:
I agree with the others...let them figure it out. And if there are no
obvious hurt feelings, don't create them.

There are ways for groom's family to participate. I like the idea of
corsages for sisters of the groom to celebrate them as part of the
"host" families. As another job, as TM was brainstorming, they could be
asked to plan and/or administer the post-wedding departure - bubbles or
rose petals or whatever...hand them out to the wedding guests.

There are plenty of ways they can be involved other than as attendants.

sue




Pay for them to elope!!!!! LOL Wish we had done that with some of the
family weddings.

Gill

Honestly, I wouldn't have been surprised if this had been a smaller thing.

I know there are many ways to involve an extended wedding/bridal party.
That said, I'm pretty sure that the sisters have essentially been left out
of any thing. My sense is that this is sort of becoming one of those "all
about me verging on bridezilla things -but this bride is indeed a very
lovely & intelligent woman, but it may just be some falling into that easy
trap.

FWIW, there also may well be a cultural difference in the ways in which
Jewish weddings are handled, along with my geographical background than in
many versions of gentile weddings. So, in my personal experience with
family, friends weddings' of similar background the family involvemenet may
be different than many of you are used to. For sure, it was astonishing to
me the first time I went to a wedding at some Baptist church in suburban
Atlanta, and it was all about the mints & cake, and the big deal being who
the bride had asked to serve them. From my little event business, I've done
a good variety of weddings, from huge Catholic weddings to rent-a-clergy the
groom doesn't believe in anything but the bride is half Irish Catholic/half
Lebanese from New England - with 6 siblings. In that one, they decided to
have only 1 attendant each - her closest sister, and his best man amd just
ducked having to deal with where to make a cut. And of course a good amount
of Jewish weddings. And since the bride for this wedding isn't Jewish, her
plans, expectations are different than what his family, background would
present. Honestly, even the processions are different, with the groom &
bride each being taken down the aisle by both their parents - who also join
the couple under the chuppah. So, perhaps my experience is a different
expectation.

I actually always suggest to my brides' that they have some sort of flowers
for the immediate family, even if they're not actively walking down the
aisle in the procession. It's a gracious thing and lets those people know
they are not just guests, but part of the family. So I suppose it gets down
to my having been raised to remember to be kind & gracious to those who love
you, and all your guests, and this certain idea of joining of families - and
frequently today there is a lack of the idea that hosts should be gracious
towards others, as opposed to the "what are you doing for me" shown to the
extreme in the bridezilla shows.

Anyhow, I'm not going to make any big stink, but I will hear from the girls
what their perspective is as I have to take them shopping. Thanks for the
responses.

Ellice

On 1/16/12 9:16 AM, in article , "Karen C in
Calif" wrote:

Ellice K. wrote:
I actually always suggest to my brides' that they have some sort of flowers
for the immediate family, even if they're not actively walking down the
aisle in the procession. It's a gracious thing and lets those people know
they are not just guests, but part of the family.


Just make sure you go over that with the florist repeatedly. I had
ordered three Mother corsages. My aunt was in charge of distributing
the flowers, so immediately pinned her Mother corsage on herself. Then
had to take it off and pin it on my mother, because the florist had only
included two Mother corsages. It seems the girl who packed up the order
was convinced that whoever wrote down 3 Mothers made a mistake, and
rather than calling to verify, just ass-u-me'd.

Fortunately, this was my aunt and my mother, who could have a good laugh
about it, and not rivals like a mother and stepmother who would've had a
catfight.

Oh, I get that. I'm actually really good with florists & caterers. Doing
the event coordination thing, for me I find that I'm regularly being the
diplomat between bride/family & the florist or caterer. To get what they
really want & the florist can do, and cut through some of the ridiculous
demands that won't work or make sense. I've had a bride less than 3 weeks
before the wedding change her mind for the 4th time, then while I finally
work with the florist to get what she wants - being to add some more calla
lilies into the centerpieces and take out some carnations ( which I think
the mother had put in). Pretty cool centers - they were built down inside
of a glass globe. Then in the midst of this suddenly the mother starts up
with "I don't see why we have to pay $40 for these - I could do it."
Needless to say the mother does NO crafts, arts or the like, works as a
financial analyst, and has basically left everything to the last minute.
The bride yelled at her, I asked for a minute with the clients & did a facts
of life, flowers and weddings talk - pointing out the time issues, and that
she'd be buying these things at retail even if I got her the globes
wholesale. We then went on. After they left, I stayed with the florist a
bit, and fortunately I had gotten there earlier to find out that the florist
was considering tearing up his order from them. We were also surprised that
the mother came - would've been easier with the nice but flaky bride.

As a rule, the other thing is that good florists will not allow other
flowers to be brought in. As in the infamous mother of groom who wanted to
go buy extra corsages at Walmart or the like to bring to a wedding. We made
it very clear that she could have flowers given to whomever - their special
friends, etc - but that they must go on the florist order. No florist wants
to have some not so good or horrible work be seen at a wedding, and then
someone will ask "who did the flowers?" and be told, without the little
footnote that Oh-, yeah - those extra pieces were by whomever.

Ugh, the things that happen.
Ellice

On 1/16/12 1:35 PM, in article , "Ellice
K." wrote:


A bunch of stuff.

In the poor netiquette thing, I was discussing with DH this interesting
response, discussion. And he pointed out to me that he hoped I wasn't
sounding like I was arguing with people. Not as if that could ever
happen....

So, I just want to be sure that you all know that my responses aren't meant
to argue, but that I've found it pretty interesting to see how we have
different expectations, experiences. That's all. And to be sure that all
of you know that I do appreciate your input.

DH gets the thrill of seeing me in person - so he's aware of my frequent
quick talking, and the fact that since I can spin him up in person, knows I
could do it unintentionally electronically - without all those intonation
cues & facial expressions. So, please - I do hope that Bobbie, Mary, Sue -
you didn't get some bad karma from my responses. And I apologize if you
did.

Thanks,
Ellice