DOES THINGS GET BETTER

Hi Mel,

This is a hard post to answer. So I'm going to take points as they come up.
It's a tough letter, but nothing is meant to be judgemental. Not everything
is say is necessarily about you. And I mean well.

First thing is, cop to owing those utility bills. You used the power, you
owe for it. To fight about whether or not you do makes you look dishonest.
So establish your honesty. Also tell him what's going on and why you can't
pay. A lot of landlords know about other ways rent can be paid. Agencies
that can help.

My mind is a sieve for details, so I hope someone else can tell you about
possible agencies.

Hitting. It's great that you aren't allowing yourself to be hit, especially
(but not limited to) in front of your son.

So what next? Are you going to let him back, either out of affection or
monetary need? Most women do. I think the average number of escapes from
an abuser is 13, before someone finally gets out. When you're ready to
commit to re-building your life, you will do it. If you file a restraining
order, there's about a 10% chance it will make him more violent. So
committing to leaving will be a whole change of your life. It's OK to try
to leave and fail. Just try harder next time.

Until you're ready to make that complete change you will be stuck in
problems like the one with your landlord. So you need tactics to survive
within the situation. You must develop some autonomy, including finding a
way to earn some money. Even if it's not enough to live on but gives you
experience. You might work daycare, which pays little, but allows you to
bring your child, and gives you work experience. Do you have other work
experience? Is there work you could do from home?

When you are ready to make the huge step to leave, there will be different
questions and solutions. At that time, you should go to a specialist. Go
to a women's shelter. They also have long term housing. And they have
great connections. Family centered services. Vocational rehab. Child
services. I don't know the agencies, but there are a lot of them. And they
will work with you instead of working against you if you ask for help.

Some of the things that might be required of you for such help include:
Abstention from alcohol, etc, because even a little will get peoples' backs
up. Some therapy, because most abuse victims need to address co-dependency
issued to heal from victimization. Job training. And very often you have
to give up things. Like furniture and stuff that keeps your from being fit
into a place of refuge. You'll need a new definition of humble -- which
means not to claim to be more than you are (like above help, etc), but also
not to claim to be less than you are.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I found it. Others here have
found it. It's never easy, but lots of people can gotten through that
tunnel.

Meanwhile, how can we help you?

Tina


"Melx2" wrote in message
om...
Hi guys, I know I don't post to often, but when I've needed you all,
you've been there. Just a lttile update. First I've been fighting
with my landlord about utility bills from when I first moved in and he
didn't put in a request for dissconnect, and I refused to pay them
unless I had hard copies of the bill. On top of that last week I put
my husband out, becusae he hit me in front of my 4yr old son. So, of
course the money is funny and the landlord is breathing down my neck,
with no childcare I can't even take a pt job to try and pick-up the
slack. My god what do I do to get throught this. I want to just cry,
there has to be a light a the end of this tunnel. ~~~HELP in the
DARK~~~

HI MEL, sorry things suck. do you have any options sweetie? Family, friends
who are there and can help you?


Becki
"In between the moon and you, the angels have a better view of the crumbling
difference between wrong and right.." -- Counting Crows

Also tell him what's going on and why you can't
pay. A lot of landlords know about other ways rent can be paid.

He is not helpful. He's an immigrant, and has found, since moving to the US,
that many people are gullible and that he can get away with a lot of shady
stuff with his tenants. Melissa is well-informed and smart, and hasn't taken
his lies -- and so he uses evasion and threats with her! Can you imagine?!?!
~~
Sooz
-------
ESBC
Dr. Sooz's Bead Links
http://airandearth.netfirms.com/soozlinkslist.html
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making
exciting discoveries. ~ A. A. Milne

So what next? Are you going to let him back, either out of affection or
monetary need?

Oh hell no! She got a restraining order and put him in jail immediately. He's
now 500 miles away.
~~
Sooz
-------
ESBC
Dr. Sooz's Bead Links
http://airandearth.netfirms.com/soozlinkslist.html
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making
exciting discoveries. ~ A. A. Milne

You must develop some autonomy, including finding a
way to earn some money.

She works for us and owns her own business making jewelry -- she was talking
about another job.

When you are ready to make the huge step to leave, there will be different
questions and solutions. At that time, you should go to a specialist. Go
to a women's shelter.

She kicked the husband out and immediately changed the locks.


~~
Sooz
-------
ESBC
Dr. Sooz's Bead Links
http://airandearth.netfirms.com/soozlinkslist.html
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making
exciting discoveries. ~ A. A. Milne

This is great. I thought she was your Melissa, Sooz, but I couldn't
remember for sure. So I told her what I'd tell anyone who told me that
story.

The first thing is always to examine your situation with painful honesty.
Looks like you have done so, Melissa. That squares with how I know you to
be, too.

And I'm so glad to know you're going to make a better life, as most women
are not able to do. It doesn't make things easier, but it makes things
much, much more productive.

First worry for me would be the personal safety of myself (and my son).
(Duh). Will you be in fear of your physical well-being or will he leave you
alone? If you can get a scholarship for a Model Mugging class (based on
need) take it. The class is very expensive ($400 I think) but makes a real
difference, and they give scholarships. I recommend it to anyone. And they
teach it in Oakland, SF, and Sacramento.

So, if you're safe, is money the main problem? Was the dead-beat helping
pay bills or was he a drain on you. In other words, without his expenses
can you make it on what you make, once you are up to date? Is there an
agency that will pay your rent? There are a bunch of them around, but I
don't know what they are. I would even say to lie, er I mean slant your
story, if you have to, if that will force the agencies that are supposed
give you a useful hand to do so.

When I went to Voc Rehab 10 years ago or so, they were able to pay for 4
years of university tuition, books, childcare if needed, and arrange social
services. (Unfortunately, depression prevented me from taking full
advantage -- though I didn't know at the time). Women's shelters, even if
you don't stay in one, are still an excellent resource for information,
especially on available services.

I'm about the worst person to make suggestions about income, because I've
never done well in that area. I'm much better at telling people how to live
simply.

Who do you sell your jewelry too? Can you sell it on eBay? I have surgical
steel findings that I don't use; could you use them?

Melissa, keep in mind that when people give advise, it's a reflection of
their experiences, not your value. So if my observations are askew, it is
not a criticism of you.

Tina

PS. Hey Sooz, are you up to organizing a BFGR, Beads For Good Reason?



"Dr. Sooz" wrote in message
...
You must develop some autonomy, including finding a
way to earn some money.

She works for us and owns her own business making jewelry -- she was
talking
about another job.

When you are ready to make the huge step to leave, there will be
different
questions and solutions. At that time, you should go to a specialist.
Go
to a women's shelter.

She kicked the husband out and immediately changed the locks.


~~
Sooz
-------
ESBC
Dr. Sooz's Bead Links
http://airandearth.netfirms.com/soozlinkslist.html
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making
exciting discoveries. ~ A. A. Milne

She kicked the husband out and immediately changed the locks.
Sooz
-------

Sooz, it sounds like she needs alot of support and friendship and she is
getting it from you. I'm glad that the husband is many miles away from her and
hopefully he doesn't start bugging her.

Jo Jo

In article ,
uppies (Dr. Sooz) wrote:

She does owe it, and wouldn't be not-paying, except her shady landlord would
not show her how much they were -- he only *said* how much they were, and
then
tried to force the issue. i.e., no hard copy, no proof that what he said was
true! What a scam! Apparently he'd done this with previous tenants, and
they
just blindly paid whatever he said. Melissa's been insisting for months that
he show her proof that the amount was what he said it was (the bills still
being sent to his house, not hers, because he hadn't disconnected the
service).
So of course there's no way you pay a bill someone just says is X amount.
(She got legal advice on this one.)


Is the bill in her name? Can she call the utility and get a copy?

--
-Kalera
Mom of Juliet, 5, Sam, 3, and Ophelia, born 5/31/03
Wife of the incomparable Moxley of www.spaceplex.com
See us at www.strattonhome.org

Mel,

Can you sell things on Telegraph?

Within a couple block of Sooz, on MLKJ, there used to be a couple bead
stores. One the corner they sold stones, but it been gon a little while.
Is the bead store still there, on the side of the street toward the Bay. It
was called Zwinbayu or something odd like that.

Tina


"Melx2" wrote in message
om...
Hi guys, I know I don't post to often, but when I've needed you all,
you've been there. Just a lttile update. First I've been fighting
with my landlord about utility bills from when I first moved in and he
didn't put in a request for dissconnect, and I refused to pay them
unless I had hard copies of the bill. On top of that last week I put
my husband out, becusae he hit me in front of my 4yr old son. So, of
course the money is funny and the landlord is breathing down my neck,
with no childcare I can't even take a pt job to try and pick-up the
slack. My god what do I do to get throught this. I want to just cry,
there has to be a light a the end of this tunnel. ~~~HELP in the
DARK~~~

PS. Hey Sooz, are you up to organizing a BFGR, Beads For Good Reason?

Others may have to take over for me if there is a BFGR, though I am totally
behind the project. Mel needs just a boost to keep from going under. I had
what I think was a gall bladder attack last night while Kevin and I were coming
home from dinner on the bus. I could hardly walk. I slept all day today. I
am going to bed NOW.
~~
Sooz
-------
ESBC
Dr. Sooz's Bead Links
http://airandearth.netfirms.com/soozlinkslist.html
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making
exciting discoveries. ~ A. A. Milne