OT - Story: The worst punishment of all

My mom was a hitter...in later years, as adults, we would laugh and say that
if we were kids now, and she did that, she'd be up on abuse charges (not
really, we were never beaten, just smacked on the butt...sometimes a lot!).
But, if we were really horrid, she would simply say, "Wait until your father
gets home." Now for many years, my dad was a President or CEO of companies
around the country, and rather than moving us, he would fly out the HQ on
Sunday night and come home on Friday night. The LAST thing he wanted to
hear about were horrid kids.

If my mother had to mention our behavior, we would get called into the
library, he would sit us down and ask us to explain ourself. Then he would
just look at us, expressing his disproval without saying a word. Believe
me, getting hit on the butt was nowhere NEAR the punishment this was.

Lisa
"Kathy N-V" wrote in message
.com...
Unlike many parents, we never spanked DD. Bob was strongly against
the idea of corporal punishment, and he brought me around to his way
of thinking. Secretly, I held onto the idea (without acting on it,
though) for a long time before I decided that big people hitting
little people wasn't teaching any lessons I wanted to pass along.

(My original attitude was "My parents beat me for everything, and I
turned out okay." Ummm. Not really a strong foundation for a
parenting philosophy)

As it turned out, we rarely yell, and have never exactly had a method
of punishment around here. We sort of allow things to happen, and
let those be the teachable moments. Fortunately for us, we also have
the supreme weapon.

My father in law adores DD. She's been the apple of his eye since
the moment she was born, and the feeling is entirely reciprocal.
Grandpa is also a very quiet man, with very strong ethics. A look
from his piercing blue eyes (exactly like Manda's) would make anyone
confess to anything. Grandpa is not a big man, and he's approaching
eighty, but we all respect and love him, and would never deliberately
make him unhappy.

My FIL is incredibly kind, but not in the mushy way. He brought me a
plain old chocolate bar on Mother's Day, because I like chocolate,
and because I'm a good mom to "the Baby." (She'll never be anything
but the baby to him) If he goes to the market, he always brings me
home a piece of fruit. He's the best Dad I've ever met - he walked
the walk, although he never talked the talk. Definitely an "actions
speak louder than words kind of guy".

When DD was messing around in school, we were hauled into the
obligatory parent-teacher conference, where all the professionals
tell you how much you suck as a parent. One of DD's teachers
happened to mention punishment, and wanted to know what the worst
punishment we ever used would be. I was astonished at this very
personal question, but blurted out the answer before thinking:

"The worst thing that we could do to DD is to tell her grandfather."

"And what would he do?"

"He'd be disappointed in her."

Everyone who knows my father in law immediately grasps the
ramifications of that, but strangers don't. Having her parents or
grandparents ashamed of her actions is about the worst thing that DD
can imagine. Grandpa would look at her with those huge eyes, cross
his arms and say nothing. And DD would be devistated.

When Manda graduated, her health teacher stopped to talk to me. She
said that all the teachers were gossiping about our meeting, and in
disbelief of our statement, she decided to ask Amanda herself.

She said, "Manda, if you got caught for drinking or drugs, what would
happen to you?"

She immediately answered, "My grandpa would find out, and he'd be
ashamed of me."

"Would he do anything to you? Does he hit you or would he yell?"
probed the teacher.

"Never!" said DD, " but I couldn't live if my Grandpa was ashamed of
me. He loves me more than anyone else."

What amazing power, and what an amazing relationship. DD generally
does things because of her own moral compass, but the idea that
disappointing Grandpa would be the worst punishment imaginable
staggers me.

Kathy N-V

grins to Kathy

Yanno, I felt the exact same way about my Dad. I ****ed my Mom off on a
fairly regular basis in high school (I was NOT an easy teen) but mostly she
dealt with me herself (unspoken rule, Dad handles the business, Mom handles
the home). But a very few times I really got into trouble and my first
reaction was always "please don't tell Daddy."

He never hurt me, never did anything terrible to me. The worst thing ever
was when I was three and pulled all of his neckties off his tie rack, hoping
to make him stay home from work and play with me. He told me to put them
back and I refused, so he spanked me all of three times. I put them all
back. After that, it just horrified me to have Dad unhappy with me for
anything.

When I wrecked my car my Mom was away on a trip (I was 25 and it was much
more my car than me...I'd skidded on walnuts and hit an embankment). They
had to call him to pick me up at the ER even though I was fine. I only lived
1/2 mile away but they wouldn't release me cuz I'd bumped my head on the
steering wheel. I was mortified. I'd only bought the car 6 weeks before, 2nd
hand and seemingly perfect. He came in and was almost in tears to see me
okay. I started to cry because of the car and his tears scared me. (I guess
a call from the ER will do that.) Luckily a state cop found us right about
then, asked me a few questions, and kindly informed me that there was a
class action suit against GM for my kind of car, because of bad braking
systems. Whew, so it wasn't really my fault at all! I still couldn't stop
apologizing to my Dad, til he told me to stop it, since I was okay. He, too,
was much more a man of action than a man of words, and very shy in his way.
G Even now, with him 10 years gone, when something special happens I
think about wanting him to be proud of me.

KarenK