(Very long, feel free to skip) Hugs and feelings

I didn't take it personally -- and I certainly understand and agree that
when emotions are running high... logical thinking rarely does.

I'm so very glad you're back... and hope that your troubles are on their way
out of your life. May many blessings fill the space they leave behind.
--
Kate in MI
http://community.webshots.com/user/K_Groves



"Megan Zurawicz" wrote in message
...
Kate, absolutely *nothing* I said was intended to be aimed at any
particular
person, and it never even occurred to me that you (or your predecessor)
would think it an comment on the keeper of the list. No such intention
here.

The core problem with the situation, and no, I don't know of any sort of
fix
for that, is that you're being very Spock there---shouldn't THINK (i.e.
logically) that their exclusion holds signfiicance or is an intentional
slight.

Well, of course not. And I would bet that not only myself but everyone
else
here who's been in that situation never calmly logically thought anyone
here
was "out to get them" by excluding them.

But when you're in that situation, you're not running on logic. You're
running on feelings. And feelings aren't logical. Feelings just cry out
to
be noticed, and hurt when they aren't.

--pig


On 1/31/09 17:46, in article , "Kate in MI"
wrote:

I'm sorry if anyone ever feels overlooked because they haven't received a
HUG quilt -- especially during difficult times in their life. I know in
my
heart that it is not intentional. I can't believe anyone here would
consciously think -- she doesn't need or deserve a HUG.

Megan, I understand. I worked in the same town, in the same building for 40
years. I always took part in the weddings, baby showers, funerals and other
events with thoughtfulness including making quilts, bringing food,
christening gowns, monogrammed linens and even hosted many of the functions,
especially the 'new' grandmother showers.
When I retired, I was given a cd of George Burns and a coffee mug.
(It's okay, go ahead and laugh.)
For too long a time, I wondered why when I finally had an event (since I
hadn't had a wedding or baby or something) that my 'friends' could be so
cheap, unconcerned and thoughtless.
Would you believe one of them even called me after I retired to say that
their new baby was being christening on thus and such a date and she wanted
her next christening gown done in cutwork just like her other baby's?
I have mellowed.
Now, I just think the newest and very abused word of the family's 4
year-old.
"Whatever".
Polly

I think timing is a lot of it. I wouldn't begrudge anyone a hug (and
I remember that request too but I am afraid I can't remember whom it
was for) I do remember at that time wondering how we were possibly
going to do hugs for everyone that lost a mom or dad. When my mom
passed 8+ years ago I posted requesting thoughts and prayers. So many
wrote wonderful messages of support and kindness and love. I was
pretty overwhelmed with those. I printed them and took them to mom
and she was so amazed. It was really heartfelt. I mention the
messages because last weekend all my sibs met at my folks house and
helped dad go through a lot of stuff. There was a box with many notes
and cards mom had gotten and also the msgs. I printed from the group
here. I was once again so touched as I read them. That was what I
needed at the time and really made a difference to me and mom.

Something I have noticed is that folks sometimes seem to just disappear
from here when they get a hug. That bothers me although I don't know
why they do disappear. I have helped with lots but certainly no
where near all hugs here. Some I choose not to sometimes because the
reason or timing doesn't work for me and others because I just get lost
on deadlines. Often the requests seem to come in 'batches' and it can
be tough to ferret them out. It might be good to differentiate hugs
for 'members' from the ones that are more removed. Also a clear
concise list if the needs are unusual.
Pig, I'm glad you brought this whole thing up. Sometimes we need
to do sort of a reality check. I think the whole 'hug' making process
needs to be special, not just a common thing. Every time there is a
request I am grateful I don't need one. (very few seem for happy times)
I'm sorry we didn't truly know the time you were going through but I
am glad you are on the better side.
Big hugs, Taria
Julia in MN wrote:
I don't know what you've been going through -- and I certainly don't
neet to know. You have posted enough for us to know that there have been
some not-so-pleasant changes in your life. I hope it gets better for
you. Like you, I am a person who believes that I do not need to air all
my personal problems in public.

I know how it feels to have someone HUGged for a situation that is not
unlike your own. Shortly after my mother died -- which I believe I had
mentioned -- I received a request for a HUG for someone else who had
lost their mother. I didn't expect a HUG -- and didn't receive one --
but there was a small twinge of "why her and not me?" I don't remember
the circumstances of the other person; in my case, my mother was
elderly, in poor health, and I was not directly involved in her care.
There was no reason for me to receive a HUG, and I definitely do not
resent the fact that I didn't receive one. We simply cannot make HUGs
every time someone in the group loses a member of their extended family;
if we tried that, we'd get no other quilting done

I, too, am bothered by some of the requests for people outside the
group, especially if they are not especially close to a member of our
group. However, I know that I am not under any obligation to participate
-- and I seldom do. Hang in there, participate when you can and want to.
Stick around!

Julia in MN


M

Kate in MI wrote:
.....snipped.....
everyone here has the right to ask for help if someone in their life
needs a HUG. .......snipped.......

First off, I want to say I have absolutely NO problem with Megan's
post. I too have a problem with people who post asking for help to make
HUG for their second cousin's first husband's aunt whose neighbor's
third child has lost...... well, you get my drift.
I have now made 6 {{{Hug Quilts}}}. The first two were for members
of our group who both lost their spouses, one to long term cancer and
the other to a totally unexpected stroke (I think) at a very young age.
I had absolutely no problem asking the group to send blocks for those
two quilts. Two of the HUGS were made for personal friends who had
"normal" bad stuff happen in their lives (breast cancer, death in the
family) and I did not ask for blocks from the group because I had my
Needlework Group help with making them.
The final two were for people who were totally unknown to the group
but DESPERATELY needed to know that there were people in this world who
would do something good for a stranger out of the sheer kindness of
their hearts. The first was for my very dear friend Janet (she's never
been married so has no children or an "ex") who lost absolutely
everything she owned, including her THREE CAT BABIES, in a house fire.
All she had left were the clothes on her back and her fuzzy pink house
slippers. I purposefully asked the group for help with that HUG so that
Janet could truly feel the caring that this group is capable of.
The second of these non-group member Hug Quilts was for one of DH's
co-workers (not even a personal friend), "Little Mike" by name, who
lived and worked in the New Orleans area. He and his wife lost their
first born to some sort of heart problem when the baby was just 10 days
old in January of that year. They dealt with that loss and went on to
build a brand new home in Slidell that they moved into in June of that
year. That year that saw The ULTIMATE Bitch -- KATRINA -- visit the
Gulf States. Little Mike and his wife lost everything they had left to
Katrina. I don't know how they felt but I was devastated to learn of
their loss and making a HUG for them was almost as healing an endeavour
for me as receiving it was for them! Without hesitation, I asked this
group for help because, under those circumstances, I knew that many of
us truly needed to do something, *anything*, to help those who had felt
the wrath of Katrina. There were any number of people who sent a block
or bit of fabric with a note saying that they were not in a position to
do much for any of the people left in the wake of the storm --
especially the folks who live outside the States. These people were
happy to be able to do this small thing to help someone heal after the
storm.
Like I said, these two people suffered a tragedy that was outside the
"normal" range of most rotten things that happen to us in our lives. I
probably could have gone without asking for help with Janet's quilt
because I had my Needlework Group to help. Also, through her family in
another state, I had contacted other friends and gotten blocks. For
Little Mike, I most certainly would have asked the group for help. What
that couple suffered in just 8 short months went so far beyond what
anyone should have to deal with that I knew they needed the healing of a
HUG made with blocks from this group.
I guess my point is that it seems there are times when the whole
group, even those of us who *never* feel the need, knows that we need to
reach out to someone desperately in need. My heart aches for those of
us who have truly needed a HUG but didn't get one for whatever reason --
and I am positive that this number is way higher than any of us would
guess. It's just not the kind of thing the person in need can ever
actually say anything about without getting into the whole "soap opera"
thing.
VBS, it's a very complicated thing, this "knowing" when a HUG is
truly needed or someone is deserving, etc. I'm just glad that we, as a
group, are here to help when someone asks for that help. I just wish
that one of us was a bit more psychic and could let the rest of us know
when one of our members truly needs the loving support of a HUG but is
too private to post about their problems. CiaoMeow ^;;^

PAX, Tia Mary ^;;^ (RCTQ Queen of Kitties)
Angels can't show their wings on earth but nothing was ever said about
their whiskers!
Visit my Photo albums at http://community.webshots.com/user/tiamary

40yrs, omg, the mind boggles.
it amazes me some folks think or dont think.
we'd sure miss you if ya retired from rctq and its not been 40yrs....yet.
we'd probly even hang balloons off the gators ears.
any excuse for a party around the old cyberquilting frame.
i'm gobsmacked at the second christening request. some people!!
maybe ya should of made one and given it along with the invoice to cover
your work
or just tell her she couldnt afford the second one. )
we all drink something hot in winter at least, be it coffee, tea, hot
chocolate or just water
and i guess GB is good for a laugh. he shares the same initials with the
outgoing admin.
that was often good for a laugh, eh.

whatever, lol.
doesnt that go along with 'talk to the hand'.
i hate that one, never used it myself, but i can see where it sooooo would
work at times.
j.


"Polly Esther" wrote...
Megan, I understand. I worked in the same town, in the same building for 40
years. I always took part in the weddings, baby showers, funerals and other
events with thoughtfulness including making quilts, bringing food,
christening gowns, monogrammed linens and even hosted many of the functions,
especially the 'new' grandmother showers.
When I retired, I was given a cd of George Burns and a coffee mug.
(It's okay, go ahead and laugh.)
For too long a time, I wondered why when I finally had an event (since I
hadn't had a wedding or baby or something) that my 'friends' could be so
cheap, unconcerned and thoughtless.
Would you believe one of them even called me after I retired to say that
their new baby was being christening on thus and such a date and she wanted
her next christening gown done in cutwork just like her other baby's?
I have mellowed.
Now, I just think the newest and very abused word of the family's 4
year-old.
"Whatever".
Polly

Megan, I don't know you well, but I hope somewhere amid all this talk
that you are healing from the hurts in your life. Reading your post I
felt so sad that you have felt unseen or unheard. And Polly, OMG --
George Burns? Sigh. What numnuts you worked with. I do hope that you
just didn't do that baby gown.

As for hugs, I have contributed to hug quilts when I could. Others I
haven't. But I do make hug quilts for folks. I am quite active on
another group and one of our members learned she had brain cancer. She
was, as anyone would be, devastated. I made her a quilt over a weekend
-- the brightest thing you ever saw -- and sent it off fast. I know
she got it and that it meant a lot. I have no idea how she is or if
she's still with us. She stopped posting within a couple months of
receiving the quilt. She sent me a note asking if I really meant the
quilt for her and saying nobody had ever in her life made anything
just for her.

Now that's a powerful thing for us to all think about. In this world,
it's really easy to buy a card or a bunch of flowers or a teddy bear
and send it off to a friend. But not many people ever receive
something made just for them. It's special and big medicine. I think
sometimes we come to take for granted the value of what we do. We make
love, magic, healing with our own hands and we can bestow that magic
if we choose on another person.

I don't know if anything I've written here makes sense. It's late and
I'm tired and really had promised myself I wouldn't be on the
computer. Like I said, I'm without discipline. I just know that this
group is filled with love and generosity and a wonderful sense of
humor. All good things.I'm going to think about this for a while. Like
many things of great value, it's worth mulling.

Sunny

On Jan 31, 10:27*pm, Joanna wrote:
When I was part of this group years ago I had the same thoughts. Never
shared them because I didn't want to be scorned and I wasn't sure I
could say it nice enough to actually get my point across without
offending anyone unintentionally. The only thing I could come up with
was that every member should get a hug. Sick ones first and then the
rest of us. But the group has grown quite a bit. I'm not sure this would
even be doable. Also because some members come and go. But if your alive
you are bound to experience hardships in life no matter who you are,
it's life. So that's why I think everyone needs one. But that's my two
cents.Thanx for sharing.
Take Care
Joanna
Alberta

Megan Zurawicz wrote:
Folks, there's something I need to say just because I need to say it for
*me*, to finish the process of getting past this. *I don't need or want any
reaction to it, I just need to air it.

Hug quilts.

We tend to sit here and feel so good about ourselves----look at all the hug
quilts we make, there are always five or six in process, and we've gone from
taking care of ALL of our own to taking care of cousins of friends of
coworkers's cats, practically. *I used to be a part of that.

Now I've seen the other side.

I've seen how much it hurts to be "one of us", to be in the worst pain of
your life, to be devastated, to be desperate for a friend---any friend---to
reach out to you......and to listen to months of "this hug for my co-worker"
"this hug for my friend's cousin" et cetera, et cetera, and know that those
strangers rank higher than you do.

As it happened, I'm aware that anybody anywhere can read whatever I post
here. *And that meant that there was a lot I *couldn't* say, couldn't tell,
about how horrific things were for me. *Doesn't mean I didn't tell y'all I
was going through it----I just didn't share the grimmest bits; I didn't play
up the soap opera aspect.

(Note: I am not accusing *anyone* of soap opera-ing their life here, to get
a Hug or otherwise. *I'm simply observing that doing so vastly increases the
odds one will receive one.)

Most of the responses I got were "Wow, sorry, glad to see you're handling it
so well. *Now let's talk about something else." *Well? *The ability to put
the best face on in public doesn't necessarily constitute "handling it
well." *Fair chance it constitutes "If I let go and show exactly how I
*really* feel, I won't be able to go forward at all."

Not to mention back to that "anybody can read....." part. *There are times
that if you let certain people know how much you're hurting, all you're
doing is helping them correct their aim in hurting you more.

And we've made it so VERY clear here that we deeply scorn ANYBODY who lets
on that they NEED a Hug quilt. *That's a no-no. *You have to sit back and
wait to see if you're valued enough to get one. *And cope on your own when
it becomes clear you aren't.

*******

Anyhow, that was then, this is now. *What's to be learned from it? *Maybe
that we need to be more aware that we don't know what's around us. *Maybe
that we need to play down Hugs----or set rules for Hugs----or I don't know
what. *I have zero evidence for this, so nobody needs ask me what I know
that I'm not telling----but it seems to me the odds are that I'm not the
only person that's gotten hurt by the whole Hug thing, in exactly the same
fashion. * I'm just the only one mouthy enough---or who cares enough about
this bunch---to say so.

I was going to say the only reaction this needs is thought, but maybe it
doesn't even need that. *Maybe it doesn't teach anything except "wow, pig is
awfully self-centered, to think these people should have given a damn about
her." *Know that I'm not saying it to hurt *anybody*. *I'm saying it so that
I can stop quietly resenting, move on, and get back to being a "normal"
(back to being normal? That'd be a first member of the group.

Those of you who've read this far need to get a life. LOL

--pig

Thanks for the hugs. Everybody in need of it. This is the time of
recession - only for money and not love. Thanks once again.
Baba

I do understand your feelings. We all deserve the best from life and
from our friends, and there is seldom any perfect justice.
But I feel that reading the newsgroup every day is usually enough of a
hug to get on with. And I really like reading your posts.
Roberta in D


Megan Zurawicz wrote:
Folks, there's something I need to say just because I need to say it for
*me*, to finish the process of getting past this. I don't need or want any
reaction to it, I just need to air it.

Hug quilts.

We tend to sit here and feel so good about ourselves----look at all the hug
quilts we make, there are always five or six in process, and we've gone from
taking care of ALL of our own to taking care of cousins of friends of
coworkers's cats, practically. I used to be a part of that.

Now I've seen the other side.

I've seen how much it hurts to be "one of us", to be in the worst pain of
your life, to be devastated, to be desperate for a friend---any friend---to
reach out to you......and to listen to months of "this hug for my co-worker"
"this hug for my friend's cousin" et cetera, et cetera, and know that those
strangers rank higher than you do.

As it happened, I'm aware that anybody anywhere can read whatever I post
here. And that meant that there was a lot I *couldn't* say, couldn't tell,
about how horrific things were for me. Doesn't mean I didn't tell y'all I
was going through it----I just didn't share the grimmest bits; I didn't play
up the soap opera aspect.

(Note: I am not accusing *anyone* of soap opera-ing their life here, to get
a Hug or otherwise. I'm simply observing that doing so vastly increases the
odds one will receive one.)

Most of the responses I got were "Wow, sorry, glad to see you're handling it
so well. Now let's talk about something else." Well? The ability to put
the best face on in public doesn't necessarily constitute "handling it
well." Fair chance it constitutes "If I let go and show exactly how I
*really* feel, I won't be able to go forward at all."

Not to mention back to that "anybody can read....." part. There are times
that if you let certain people know how much you're hurting, all you're
doing is helping them correct their aim in hurting you more.

And we've made it so VERY clear here that we deeply scorn ANYBODY who lets
on that they NEED a Hug quilt. That's a no-no. You have to sit back and
wait to see if you're valued enough to get one. And cope on your own when
it becomes clear you aren't.


*******

Anyhow, that was then, this is now. What's to be learned from it? Maybe
that we need to be more aware that we don't know what's around us. Maybe
that we need to play down Hugs----or set rules for Hugs----or I don't know
what. I have zero evidence for this, so nobody needs ask me what I know
that I'm not telling----but it seems to me the odds are that I'm not the
only person that's gotten hurt by the whole Hug thing, in exactly the same
fashion. I'm just the only one mouthy enough---or who cares enough about
this bunch---to say so.

I was going to say the only reaction this needs is thought, but maybe it
doesn't even need that. Maybe it doesn't teach anything except "wow, pig is
awfully self-centered, to think these people should have given a damn about
her." Know that I'm not saying it to hurt *anybody*. I'm saying it so that
I can stop quietly resenting, move on, and get back to being a "normal"
(back to being normal? That'd be a first member of the group.

Those of you who've read this far need to get a life. LOL

--pig

The beauty of a HUG is that you may contribute or not to it. The
choice is yours. I have tried to contribute to any hugs for on-list
frequent contributors, but because of my own life, have not always
been able to do so. Sometimes I contribute to a hug someone is making
for a friend, co-worker, etc, because the story of my cyber-friend's
friend has touched my life too.

The important thing is -THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

Linda, Boxtop Queen
PATCHogue, NY


On Sat, 31 Jan 2009 23:05:43 -0500, Tia Mary
wrote:


First off, I want to say I have absolutely NO problem with Megan's
post. I too have a problem with people who post asking for help to make
HUG for their second cousin's first husband's aunt whose neighbor's
third child has lost...... well, you get my drift.

Did you make the second one? Something like that sounds like an heirloom
that multiple family members would wear. My kids both wore the same
christening gown; I intended it to be some sort of heirloom. All 4
grandchildren have also worn it.

Julia in MN

Polly Esther wrote:
Megan, I understand. I worked in the same town, in the same building for 40
years. I always took part in the weddings, baby showers, funerals and other
events with thoughtfulness including making quilts, bringing food,
christening gowns, monogrammed linens and even hosted many of the functions,
especially the 'new' grandmother showers.
When I retired, I was given a cd of George Burns and a coffee mug.
(It's okay, go ahead and laugh.)
For too long a time, I wondered why when I finally had an event (since I
hadn't had a wedding or baby or something) that my 'friends' could be so
cheap, unconcerned and thoughtless.
Would you believe one of them even called me after I retired to say that
their new baby was being christening on thus and such a date and she wanted
her next christening gown done in cutwork just like her other baby's?
I have mellowed.
Now, I just think the newest and very abused word of the family's 4
year-old.
"Whatever".
Polly





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