(Very long, feel free to skip) Hugs and feelings

Folks, there's something I need to say just because I need to say it for
*me*, to finish the process of getting past this. I don't need or want any
reaction to it, I just need to air it.

Hug quilts.

We tend to sit here and feel so good about ourselves----look at all the hug
quilts we make, there are always five or six in process, and we've gone from
taking care of ALL of our own to taking care of cousins of friends of
coworkers's cats, practically. I used to be a part of that.

Now I've seen the other side.

I've seen how much it hurts to be "one of us", to be in the worst pain of
your life, to be devastated, to be desperate for a friend---any friend---to
reach out to you......and to listen to months of "this hug for my co-worker"
"this hug for my friend's cousin" et cetera, et cetera, and know that those
strangers rank higher than you do.

As it happened, I'm aware that anybody anywhere can read whatever I post
here. And that meant that there was a lot I *couldn't* say, couldn't tell,
about how horrific things were for me. Doesn't mean I didn't tell y'all I
was going through it----I just didn't share the grimmest bits; I didn't play
up the soap opera aspect.

(Note: I am not accusing *anyone* of soap opera-ing their life here, to get
a Hug or otherwise. I'm simply observing that doing so vastly increases the
odds one will receive one.)

Most of the responses I got were "Wow, sorry, glad to see you're handling it
so well. Now let's talk about something else." Well? The ability to put
the best face on in public doesn't necessarily constitute "handling it
well." Fair chance it constitutes "If I let go and show exactly how I
*really* feel, I won't be able to go forward at all."

Not to mention back to that "anybody can read....." part. There are times
that if you let certain people know how much you're hurting, all you're
doing is helping them correct their aim in hurting you more.

And we've made it so VERY clear here that we deeply scorn ANYBODY who lets
on that they NEED a Hug quilt. That's a no-no. You have to sit back and
wait to see if you're valued enough to get one. And cope on your own when
it becomes clear you aren't.


*******

Anyhow, that was then, this is now. What's to be learned from it? Maybe
that we need to be more aware that we don't know what's around us. Maybe
that we need to play down Hugs----or set rules for Hugs----or I don't know
what. I have zero evidence for this, so nobody needs ask me what I know
that I'm not telling----but it seems to me the odds are that I'm not the
only person that's gotten hurt by the whole Hug thing, in exactly the same
fashion. I'm just the only one mouthy enough---or who cares enough about
this bunch---to say so.

I was going to say the only reaction this needs is thought, but maybe it
doesn't even need that. Maybe it doesn't teach anything except "wow, pig is
awfully self-centered, to think these people should have given a damn about
her." Know that I'm not saying it to hurt *anybody*. I'm saying it so that
I can stop quietly resenting, move on, and get back to being a "normal"
(back to being normal? That'd be a first member of the group.

Those of you who've read this far need to get a life. LOL

--pig

When I was part of this group years ago I had the same thoughts. Never
shared them because I didn't want to be scorned and I wasn't sure I
could say it nice enough to actually get my point across without
offending anyone unintentionally. The only thing I could come up with
was that every member should get a hug. Sick ones first and then the
rest of us. But the group has grown quite a bit. I'm not sure this would
even be doable. Also because some members come and go. But if your alive
you are bound to experience hardships in life no matter who you are,
it's life. So that's why I think everyone needs one. But that's my two
cents.Thanx for sharing.
Take Care
Joanna
Alberta

Megan Zurawicz wrote:
Folks, there's something I need to say just because I need to say it for
*me*, to finish the process of getting past this. I don't need or want any
reaction to it, I just need to air it.

Hug quilts.

We tend to sit here and feel so good about ourselves----look at all the hug
quilts we make, there are always five or six in process, and we've gone from
taking care of ALL of our own to taking care of cousins of friends of
coworkers's cats, practically. I used to be a part of that.

Now I've seen the other side.

I've seen how much it hurts to be "one of us", to be in the worst pain of
your life, to be devastated, to be desperate for a friend---any friend---to
reach out to you......and to listen to months of "this hug for my co-worker"
"this hug for my friend's cousin" et cetera, et cetera, and know that those
strangers rank higher than you do.

As it happened, I'm aware that anybody anywhere can read whatever I post
here. And that meant that there was a lot I *couldn't* say, couldn't tell,
about how horrific things were for me. Doesn't mean I didn't tell y'all I
was going through it----I just didn't share the grimmest bits; I didn't play
up the soap opera aspect.

(Note: I am not accusing *anyone* of soap opera-ing their life here, to get
a Hug or otherwise. I'm simply observing that doing so vastly increases the
odds one will receive one.)

Most of the responses I got were "Wow, sorry, glad to see you're handling it
so well. Now let's talk about something else." Well? The ability to put
the best face on in public doesn't necessarily constitute "handling it
well." Fair chance it constitutes "If I let go and show exactly how I
*really* feel, I won't be able to go forward at all."

Not to mention back to that "anybody can read....." part. There are times
that if you let certain people know how much you're hurting, all you're
doing is helping them correct their aim in hurting you more.

And we've made it so VERY clear here that we deeply scorn ANYBODY who lets
on that they NEED a Hug quilt. That's a no-no. You have to sit back and
wait to see if you're valued enough to get one. And cope on your own when
it becomes clear you aren't.


*******

Anyhow, that was then, this is now. What's to be learned from it? Maybe
that we need to be more aware that we don't know what's around us. Maybe
that we need to play down Hugs----or set rules for Hugs----or I don't know
what. I have zero evidence for this, so nobody needs ask me what I know
that I'm not telling----but it seems to me the odds are that I'm not the
only person that's gotten hurt by the whole Hug thing, in exactly the same
fashion. I'm just the only one mouthy enough---or who cares enough about
this bunch---to say so.

I was going to say the only reaction this needs is thought, but maybe it
doesn't even need that. Maybe it doesn't teach anything except "wow, pig is
awfully self-centered, to think these people should have given a damn about
her." Know that I'm not saying it to hurt *anybody*. I'm saying it so that
I can stop quietly resenting, move on, and get back to being a "normal"
(back to being normal? That'd be a first member of the group.

Those of you who've read this far need to get a life. LOL

--pig

Megan:
Oh, this IS interesting! I have an opinion, and it will probably not win me
a fan club, but here goes. I hardly ever get a block mailed out for a hug
anymore, even when I intend to participate. (Those infamous good
intentions!) The reasons are varied. Most times it is just because I have
limited time for quilting, much less getting to a post office to mail
anything. With that in mind, I tend to want to respond with a block (and a
bit of cash to help out) when I actually 'know' the person; I often want to
make a block for that particular person, but not necessarily her kith and
kin. I like group hug projects to be for group members. ***Of course there
are exceptions here and there, and I have participated in a few.***

Also, if a 'member' of this virtual bee is making a hug quilt for her (his)
friend, neighbor, cousin, and requests a bit of fabric, I am glad to help
when I can. It is easy to pop a few charm squares into an envelope and mail
it out. Just as I do here in my actual bee, I try to help with theme/color
fabric, but not making nor financing the quilt. Once in a while I have sent
a simple block for one of those projects, if there is a particular request
from a friend. I don't otherwise get very involved. It is after all, her
personal hug project, not a group hug project.

Why do some people get quilts while others are overlooked? Well, I don't
think this is done out of any mean-spiritedness. I would say that some
people blurt out at length every personal thing. That will influence some
people to want to start up a hug quilt. (Not me ... I am so not a fan of
TMI, and tend to not read those posts.) I guess in summation, I would say
that maybe we need to be more sensitive to each other, maybe try to be more
aware if a person needs a kind email or card. Those are nice gestures of
friendship too. It is not always easy to discern sadness when people are
being discreet in their posts. One can't read tone or expression as in
person. So, I guess it may be helpful to try to develop more email
friendships, to have an extended support system if one will need it. For
now, please accept my very warm wishes that your situation will improve
daily. I hope that no one reading this ever needs a hug quilt for any reason
except a very happy event!!

Pat in Virginia


"Megan Zurawicz" wrote in message
...
Folks, there's something I need to say just because I need to say it for
*me*, to finish the process of getting past this. I don't need or want
any
reaction to it, I just need to air it.

Hug quilts.

We tend to sit here and feel so good about ourselves----look at all the
hug
quilts we make, there are always five or six in process, and we've gone
from
taking care of ALL of our own to taking care of cousins of friends of
coworkers's cats, practically. I used to be a part of that.

Now I've seen the other side.

I've seen how much it hurts to be "one of us", to be in the worst pain of
your life, to be devastated, to be desperate for a friend---any
friend---to
reach out to you......and to listen to months of "this hug for my
co-worker"
"this hug for my friend's cousin" et cetera, et cetera, and know that
those
strangers rank higher than you do.

As it happened, I'm aware that anybody anywhere can read whatever I post
here. And that meant that there was a lot I *couldn't* say, couldn't
tell,
about how horrific things were for me. Doesn't mean I didn't tell y'all I
was going through it----I just didn't share the grimmest bits; I didn't
play
up the soap opera aspect.

(Note: I am not accusing *anyone* of soap opera-ing their life here, to
get
a Hug or otherwise. I'm simply observing that doing so vastly increases
the
odds one will receive one.)

Most of the responses I got were "Wow, sorry, glad to see you're handling
it
so well. Now let's talk about something else." Well? The ability to put
the best face on in public doesn't necessarily constitute "handling it
well." Fair chance it constitutes "If I let go and show exactly how I
*really* feel, I won't be able to go forward at all."

Not to mention back to that "anybody can read....." part. There are times
that if you let certain people know how much you're hurting, all you're
doing is helping them correct their aim in hurting you more.

And we've made it so VERY clear here that we deeply scorn ANYBODY who lets
on that they NEED a Hug quilt. That's a no-no. You have to sit back and
wait to see if you're valued enough to get one. And cope on your own when
it becomes clear you aren't.


*******

Anyhow, that was then, this is now. What's to be learned from it? Maybe
that we need to be more aware that we don't know what's around us. Maybe
that we need to play down Hugs----or set rules for Hugs----or I don't know
what. I have zero evidence for this, so nobody needs ask me what I know
that I'm not telling----but it seems to me the odds are that I'm not the
only person that's gotten hurt by the whole Hug thing, in exactly the same
fashion. I'm just the only one mouthy enough---or who cares enough about
this bunch---to say so.

I was going to say the only reaction this needs is thought, but maybe it
doesn't even need that. Maybe it doesn't teach anything except "wow, pig
is
awfully self-centered, to think these people should have given a damn
about
her." Know that I'm not saying it to hurt *anybody*. I'm saying it so
that
I can stop quietly resenting, move on, and get back to being a "normal"
(back to being normal? That'd be a first member of the group.

Those of you who've read this far need to get a life. LOL

--pig

Megan, thanks for posting this., and I'm so sorry for what you've been
through. Some of us just don't feel it necessary to post to the group EVERY
time life hands them a set-back. There are several who think they must let
us know when even the most minute, and personal, things go wrong. (even,
IMHO, to the point of being a" soap opera"), as you put it.
Some have received more that 1 hug quilt, some lots of fabric squares, etc.,
etc. You get my drift. It seems, as in the rest of life, that the "squeaky
wheel gets the grease".
I also have a problem with the requests for distant relatives, from a
neighbor, to co-workers, etc. If members wish to contribute to these
requests, that their prerogative. I choose not to. I feel the hug list has
been abused more than once. I know many will take great offense at this.
That's OK---they have that right! I contribute to quilts, that in MHO are
for members who really need a hug. God knows, there are a lot of them.
You posted my thoughts exactly, But I feel bad it came to this.
Gen


"Megan Zurawicz" wrote in message
news:C5A9CFFB.68E08%listpig@s
bcglobal.net... I guess if per
Folks, there's something I need to say just because I need to say it for
*me*, to finish the process of getting past this. I don't need or want
any
reaction to it, I just need to air it.

Hug quilts.

We tend to sit here and feel so good about ourselves----look at all the
hug
quilts we make, there are always five or six in process, and we've gone
from
taking care of ALL of our own to taking care of cousins of friends of
coworkers's cats, practically. I used to be a part of that.

Now I've seen the other side.

I've seen how much it hurts to be "one of us", to be in the worst pain of
your life, to be devastated, to be desperate for a friend---any
friend---to
reach out to you......and to listen to months of "this hug for my
co-worker"
"this hug for my friend's cousin" et cetera, et cetera, and know that
those
strangers rank higher than you do.

As it happened, I'm aware that anybody anywhere can read whatever I post
here. And that meant that there was a lot I *couldn't* say, couldn't
tell,
about how horrific things were for me. Doesn't mean I didn't tell y'all I
was going through it----I just didn't share the grimmest bits; I didn't
play
up the soap opera aspect.

(Note: I am not accusing *anyone* of soap opera-ing their life here, to
get
a Hug or otherwise. I'm simply observing that doing so vastly increases
the
odds one will receive one.)

Most of the responses I got were "Wow, sorry, glad to see you're handling
it
so well. Now let's talk about something else." Well? The ability to put
the best face on in public doesn't necessarily constitute "handling it
well." Fair chance it constitutes "If I let go and show exactly how I
*really* feel, I won't be able to go forward at all."

Not to mention back to that "anybody can read....." part. There are times
that if you let certain people know how much you're hurting, all you're
doing is helping them correct their aim in hurting you more.

And we've made it so VERY clear here that we deeply scorn ANYBODY who lets
on that they NEED a Hug quilt. That's a no-no. You have to sit back and
wait to see if you're valued enough to get one. And cope on your own when
it becomes clear you aren't.


*******

Anyhow, that was then, this is now. What's to be learned from it? Maybe
that we need to be more aware that we don't know what's around us. Maybe
that we need to play down Hugs----or set rules for Hugs----or I don't know
what. I have zero evidence for this, so nobody needs ask me what I know
that I'm not telling----but it seems to me the odds are that I'm not the
only person that's gotten hurt by the whole Hug thing, in exactly the same
fashion. I'm just the only one mouthy enough---or who cares enough about
this bunch---to say so.

I was going to say the only reaction this needs is thought, but maybe it
doesn't even need that. Maybe it doesn't teach anything except "wow, pig
is
awfully self-centered, to think these people should have given a damn
about
her." Know that I'm not saying it to hurt *anybody*. I'm saying it so
that
I can stop quietly resenting, move on, and get back to being a "normal"
(back to being normal? That'd be a first member of the group.

Those of you who've read this far need to get a life. LOL

--pig

I don't know what you've been going through -- and I certainly don't
neet to know. You have posted enough for us to know that there have been
some not-so-pleasant changes in your life. I hope it gets better for
you. Like you, I am a person who believes that I do not need to air all
my personal problems in public.

I know how it feels to have someone HUGged for a situation that is not
unlike your own. Shortly after my mother died -- which I believe I had
mentioned -- I received a request for a HUG for someone else who had
lost their mother. I didn't expect a HUG -- and didn't receive one --
but there was a small twinge of "why her and not me?" I don't remember
the circumstances of the other person; in my case, my mother was
elderly, in poor health, and I was not directly involved in her care.
There was no reason for me to receive a HUG, and I definitely do not
resent the fact that I didn't receive one. We simply cannot make HUGs
every time someone in the group loses a member of their extended family;
if we tried that, we'd get no other quilting done

I, too, am bothered by some of the requests for people outside the
group, especially if they are not especially close to a member of our
group. However, I know that I am not under any obligation to participate
-- and I seldom do. Hang in there, participate when you can and want to.
Stick around!

Julia in MN


Megan Zurawicz wrote:
Folks, there's something I need to say just because I need to say it for
*me*, to finish the process of getting past this. I don't need or want any
reaction to it, I just need to air it.

Hug quilts.

We tend to sit here and feel so good about ourselves----look at all the hug
quilts we make, there are always five or six in process, and we've gone from
taking care of ALL of our own to taking care of cousins of friends of
coworkers's cats, practically. I used to be a part of that.

Now I've seen the other side.

I've seen how much it hurts to be "one of us", to be in the worst pain of
your life, to be devastated, to be desperate for a friend---any friend---to
reach out to you......and to listen to months of "this hug for my co-worker"
"this hug for my friend's cousin" et cetera, et cetera, and know that those
strangers rank higher than you do.

As it happened, I'm aware that anybody anywhere can read whatever I post
here. And that meant that there was a lot I *couldn't* say, couldn't tell,
about how horrific things were for me. Doesn't mean I didn't tell y'all I
was going through it----I just didn't share the grimmest bits; I didn't play
up the soap opera aspect.

(Note: I am not accusing *anyone* of soap opera-ing their life here, to get
a Hug or otherwise. I'm simply observing that doing so vastly increases the
odds one will receive one.)

Most of the responses I got were "Wow, sorry, glad to see you're handling it
so well. Now let's talk about something else." Well? The ability to put
the best face on in public doesn't necessarily constitute "handling it
well." Fair chance it constitutes "If I let go and show exactly how I
*really* feel, I won't be able to go forward at all."

Not to mention back to that "anybody can read....." part. There are times
that if you let certain people know how much you're hurting, all you're
doing is helping them correct their aim in hurting you more.

And we've made it so VERY clear here that we deeply scorn ANYBODY who lets
on that they NEED a Hug quilt. That's a no-no. You have to sit back and
wait to see if you're valued enough to get one. And cope on your own when
it becomes clear you aren't.


*******

Anyhow, that was then, this is now. What's to be learned from it? Maybe
that we need to be more aware that we don't know what's around us. Maybe
that we need to play down Hugs----or set rules for Hugs----or I don't know
what. I have zero evidence for this, so nobody needs ask me what I know
that I'm not telling----but it seems to me the odds are that I'm not the
only person that's gotten hurt by the whole Hug thing, in exactly the same
fashion. I'm just the only one mouthy enough---or who cares enough about
this bunch---to say so.

I was going to say the only reaction this needs is thought, but maybe it
doesn't even need that. Maybe it doesn't teach anything except "wow, pig is
awfully self-centered, to think these people should have given a damn about
her." Know that I'm not saying it to hurt *anybody*. I'm saying it so that
I can stop quietly resenting, move on, and get back to being a "normal"
(back to being normal? That'd be a first member of the group.

Those of you who've read this far need to get a life. LOL

--pig




--
-----------
This message has been scanned for viruses by Norton Anti-Virus
http://webpages.charter.net/jaccola/
-----------

I have worried feelings about Hugs, too. But, they come from a
different slant.
I have a skin like an onion. Nothing I have ever been able to do in
life can make it any thicker. I feel the pain of others, and feel
helpless, on the whole. Sometimes I have been able to help, sometimes
not.
Sometimes, I have felt really bad about someone's misfortune(s) and I
have sent them a small quilt of my own.
Before a Hug can happen, someone has to think of it, and offer to make
it. There is a lot more to this than just sewing blocks together. We
all know of the finances of this, so I won't labour that point. There
is also the 'convenience' part. I am usually quite busy; but
occasionally I have felt that I really wanted to start a Hug. However,
it has been made clear to me that 'people' would not want to send their
block(s) over to the UK - even if I were prepared to send the completed
quilt back to the US. So, as I said, I just do my own.

However, Megan (and I hate calling you Pig, even though I like Pigs), I
think you must really disabuse yourself of the feeling that you have not
been judged deserving of a Hug. I honestly and truly feel that
'deserve' does not come into it. If it did, the number would be
multiplied no end.

Since you mentioned your own case, I believe I am right in saying that
you were away from the group for a long time after your trauma happened?
You are not alone in this. Many people have done the same thing.
Others find help in talking to the group and getting the group support.
It would take someone who has perhaps some 'behind the scenes' knowledge
to suggest a Hug. But, if that person is lacking either time or means
to do it, they might well feel reluctant to suggest that a Hug might be
needed but that someone else would have to do it.

This whole matter is, I believe, vastly more complex even than you have
explored here. For instance, what does one do about those who suffer
chronic illness? Wait for a crisis? or just help them along day by day.

One reason that has really helped me see this, is that a Hug should be
directed towards someone who has had a life-changing experience. This
can be good or bad of course.

But, whatever the reason or the need, it *still* takes someone to
suggest that they will do one. Also, that quilt has to be actually
made. Many, many Hug quilts have been started and then just fall by the
wayside. I think this is the saddest thing of all.

I'm afraid I do not take part if it someone other than our own 'members'
here, whom I have come to know a little - never all.

I admire your courage in risking the wrath of others in saying this; and
am very sorry that you feel you have not suffered enough to merit one.
Sadly, without committees and working groups etc etc to read and judge
every single message, this is always going to happen.

I hope you are now further forward in your journey towards your own
resolution of this hurt.
..
In message , Megan Zurawicz
writes
Folks, there's something I need to say just because I need to say it for
*me*, to finish the process of getting past this. I don't need or want any
reaction to it, I just need to air it.

Hug quilts.

We tend to sit here and feel so good about ourselves----look at all the hug
quilts we make, there are always five or six in process, and we've gone from
taking care of ALL of our own to taking care of cousins of friends of
coworkers's cats, practically. I used to be a part of that.

Now I've seen the other side.

I've seen how much it hurts to be "one of us", to be in the worst pain of
your life, to be devastated, to be desperate for a friend---any friend---to
reach out to you......and to listen to months of "this hug for my co-worker"
"this hug for my friend's cousin" et cetera, et cetera, and know that those
strangers rank higher than you do.

As it happened, I'm aware that anybody anywhere can read whatever I post
here. And that meant that there was a lot I *couldn't* say, couldn't tell,
about how horrific things were for me. Doesn't mean I didn't tell y'all I
was going through it----I just didn't share the grimmest bits; I didn't play
up the soap opera aspect.

(Note: I am not accusing *anyone* of soap opera-ing their life here, to get
a Hug or otherwise. I'm simply observing that doing so vastly increases the
odds one will receive one.)

Most of the responses I got were "Wow, sorry, glad to see you're handling it
so well. Now let's talk about something else." Well? The ability to put
the best face on in public doesn't necessarily constitute "handling it
well." Fair chance it constitutes "If I let go and show exactly how I
*really* feel, I won't be able to go forward at all."

Not to mention back to that "anybody can read....." part. There are times
that if you let certain people know how much you're hurting, all you're
doing is helping them correct their aim in hurting you more.

And we've made it so VERY clear here that we deeply scorn ANYBODY who lets
on that they NEED a Hug quilt. That's a no-no. You have to sit back and
wait to see if you're valued enough to get one. And cope on your own when
it becomes clear you aren't.


*******

Anyhow, that was then, this is now. What's to be learned from it? Maybe
that we need to be more aware that we don't know what's around us. Maybe
that we need to play down Hugs----or set rules for Hugs----or I don't know
what. I have zero evidence for this, so nobody needs ask me what I know
that I'm not telling----but it seems to me the odds are that I'm not the
only person that's gotten hurt by the whole Hug thing, in exactly the same
fashion. I'm just the only one mouthy enough---or who cares enough about
this bunch---to say so.

I was going to say the only reaction this needs is thought, but maybe it
doesn't even need that. Maybe it doesn't teach anything except "wow, pig is
awfully self-centered, to think these people should have given a damn about
her." Know that I'm not saying it to hurt *anybody*. I'm saying it so that
I can stop quietly resenting, move on, and get back to being a "normal"
(back to being normal? That'd be a first member of the group.

Those of you who've read this far need to get a life. LOL

--pig



--
Best Regards
pat on the hill

Megan,

I am very proud of you! It took a lot to express your feelings in
order to work through them.

I don't want to comment on the whole HUG issue, as I don't think this
is really what is going on with you in this moment. I think it was
the stress and frustration that it has been causing you as it
continuously rolls around in your head. By airing, hopefully you have
found new light, and a lot of relief.

You are not alone!

BIG CYBER HUGS!!!!

Dannielle - one who evidently doesn't have a life! ROFL

As current "keeper of the Hug list" -- I feel obligated to respond.
Again -- this is my opinion -- and my opinion only.

I'm sorry if anyone ever feels overlooked because they haven't received a
HUG quilt -- especially during difficult times in their life. I know in my
heart that it is not intentional. I can't believe anyone here would
consciously think -- she doesn't need or deserve a HUG.

I guess I'm a pragmatist. Not every good citizen is recognized as citizen
of the year. Not every good man is recognized as man of the year. Teacher
of the year.... and so on. Not every family in need gets toys from Toys for
Tots -- or from the local VFW. For whatever reason... at any given point in
time -- some come to the surface... and others do not. I can't change that.
Nor can I explain why.

As for Hugs -- I understand that many RCTQ members choose not to support
HUGs for non-RCTQ individuals. However, it is my opinion - that everyone
here has the right to ask for help if someone in their life needs a HUG. I
have no problem "bothering" people by sending an email to those who have
chosen to be on the list. Whether they choose to hit delete for any given
request... or respond with a block is totally up to them. I keep no record
of who gives and who doesn't. Personally -- I don't care. It is very much a
personal decision. We all participate when we choose to -- or when we can.
There are nearly 200 names on the list who receive the request. For any HUG
request -- only a percentage choose to participate. The request may hit
someone at a bad time... or they just choose not to participate for
whatever reason. To my knowledge, no one has EVER kept a list other then
to send thank you's to those who sent a block. The initial requests are
sent "blindly" -- to keep the list private. (although I did once mess that
up!) So no one really knows who is on the list... and who isn't (except me
right now...)

As "keeper of the list" -- I do not feel it is either appropriate or "my
job" to solicit people to make a HUG quilt for someone. To volunteer for
such a project takes a tremendous amount of time and money. It is a gesture
that needs to come from the heart. I can think of nothing worse than asking
for someone to "chair a HUG" and get no takers. I would then be in the
position of "guilting" people into it... and that I will not do. If someone
chooses to make a HUG top -- but seeks help with the quilting... we do put
that request out. But we NEVER twist arms or put any pressure. Someone
either responds... or they don't. If no one steps up -- then the HUG maker
needs to move to a Plan B.

Nor do I believe I should censor requests. I'm of the opinion that anyone
can ask anything... each of us has the right to answer in our own way. If
someone in your life needs a HUG -- but your time is short and you wish to
call upon your "family" for help... I see no problem in asking.

So while I'm sorry if anyone feels overlooked... or hurt... because no one
stepped up to make a HUG for them, in a volunteer environment such as
ours, I'm afraid it is the nature of the beast.

I'm sure if you ask 10 people -- you'll get 10 different perspectives on
these questions. Again -- this is my personal opinion which reflects the
manner in which I administer the HUG list. I respect each individual's
right to their opinion. If someone takes issue with the way I handle
things, I invite you to have a ***PRIVATE*** discourse with me... off the
list.


--
Kate in MI
http://community.webshots.com/user/K_Groves



"Megan Zurawicz" wrote in message
...
Folks, there's something I need to say just because I need to say it for
*me*, to finish the process of getting past this. I don't need or want
any
reaction to it, I just need to air it.

Hug quilts.

We tend to sit here and feel so good about ourselves----look at all the
hug
quilts we make, there are always five or six in process, and we've gone
from
taking care of ALL of our own to taking care of cousins of friends of
coworkers's cats, practically. I used to be a part of that.

Now I've seen the other side.

I've seen how much it hurts to be "one of us", to be in the worst pain of
your life, to be devastated, to be desperate for a friend---any
friend---to
reach out to you......and to listen to months of "this hug for my
co-worker"
"this hug for my friend's cousin" et cetera, et cetera, and know that
those
strangers rank higher than you do.

As it happened, I'm aware that anybody anywhere can read whatever I post
here. And that meant that there was a lot I *couldn't* say, couldn't
tell,
about how horrific things were for me. Doesn't mean I didn't tell y'all I
was going through it----I just didn't share the grimmest bits; I didn't
play
up the soap opera aspect.

(Note: I am not accusing *anyone* of soap opera-ing their life here, to
get
a Hug or otherwise. I'm simply observing that doing so vastly increases
the
odds one will receive one.)

Most of the responses I got were "Wow, sorry, glad to see you're handling
it
so well. Now let's talk about something else." Well? The ability to put
the best face on in public doesn't necessarily constitute "handling it
well." Fair chance it constitutes "If I let go and show exactly how I
*really* feel, I won't be able to go forward at all."

Not to mention back to that "anybody can read....." part. There are times
that if you let certain people know how much you're hurting, all you're
doing is helping them correct their aim in hurting you more.

And we've made it so VERY clear here that we deeply scorn ANYBODY who lets
on that they NEED a Hug quilt. That's a no-no. You have to sit back and
wait to see if you're valued enough to get one. And cope on your own when
it becomes clear you aren't.


*******

Anyhow, that was then, this is now. What's to be learned from it? Maybe
that we need to be more aware that we don't know what's around us. Maybe
that we need to play down Hugs----or set rules for Hugs----or I don't know
what. I have zero evidence for this, so nobody needs ask me what I know
that I'm not telling----but it seems to me the odds are that I'm not the
only person that's gotten hurt by the whole Hug thing, in exactly the same
fashion. I'm just the only one mouthy enough---or who cares enough about
this bunch---to say so.

I was going to say the only reaction this needs is thought, but maybe it
doesn't even need that. Maybe it doesn't teach anything except "wow, pig
is
awfully self-centered, to think these people should have given a damn
about
her." Know that I'm not saying it to hurt *anybody*. I'm saying it so
that
I can stop quietly resenting, move on, and get back to being a "normal"
(back to being normal? That'd be a first member of the group.

Those of you who've read this far need to get a life. LOL

--pig

If I were not, I would not have been able to post. As I said, I'm beyond
this, except that I found I was harboring a (probably somewhat irrational,
being aware of all the factors you mentioned) bit of resentment toward the
group, and I didn't want to. Airing the problem lets me release that and
let go of the issue entirely.

I've also gotten a surprising amount of direct email from folks of the "me
too" variety, so whatever hesitation I had about posting that is gone.

--pig


On 1/31/09 15:25, in article , "Patti"
wrote:

I hope you are now further forward in your journey towards your own
resolution of this hurt.

Kate, absolutely *nothing* I said was intended to be aimed at any particular
person, and it never even occurred to me that you (or your predecessor)
would think it an comment on the keeper of the list. No such intention
here.

The core problem with the situation, and no, I don't know of any sort of fix
for that, is that you're being very Spock there---shouldn't THINK (i.e.
logically) that their exclusion holds signfiicance or is an intentional
slight.

Well, of course not. And I would bet that not only myself but everyone else
here who's been in that situation never calmly logically thought anyone here
was "out to get them" by excluding them.

But when you're in that situation, you're not running on logic. You're
running on feelings. And feelings aren't logical. Feelings just cry out to
be noticed, and hurt when they aren't.

--pig


On 1/31/09 17:46, in article , "Kate in MI"
wrote:

I'm sorry if anyone ever feels overlooked because they haven't received a
HUG quilt -- especially during difficult times in their life. I know in my
heart that it is not intentional. I can't believe anyone here would
consciously think -- she doesn't need or deserve a HUG.