spotted on alt.humor.best-of-usenet

Originally posted on alt.fan.cecil-adams.

Subject: The war on black Friday
From: "Kim"
Lars Eighner wrote:
Yeah, like this year you will miss the bargains if you don't get up
at 3 a.m. Awesome.

Well, Black Friday *is* my Christmas. We don't celebrate actual Christmas
day with presents and trees and crap, but I *do* get up at 4 AM on Friday
and go to Joann's for "Kim's Christmas". I have my gift cards in my hand
that I've saved from the entire previous year, and I have all my coupons
from being a "preferred customer". I have a list of everything I want from
the sale flyer and I have a map of the store that I've drawn highlighting
where all the things are I want to get.

Then, I go to Joann's. Now, this is tricky, since you MUST get there BEFORE
they open, and you must be one of the first 50 or so in line. Our Joann's is
small, and they actually count people going in and won't let in more people
than the fire marshalls allow. And they only have like 10 shopping carts.
So, if you aren't one of the first 10 people, you're ****ed and have to
carry around bolts of fabric, or leave them on the cutting table in a pile
and hope that no one steals your bolt. (I will steal bolts.And so will
everyone else.) I've discovered that it's best at this point to gauge the
competition. Try to sidle in line behind the largest women there. Most
likely, they are the ones who ate the most the day before, and thus are
still feeling the most effects of the tryptophan and have the least shopping
stamina. You can slip by them the easiest and they are the easiest to grab
**** from.Beware the lean, vegetarian, granola chomping types. Most likely
the only thing they ate the day before was green bean casserole and other
light fare and they will be the most feisty.

Then comes the *real* joy of Black Friday's at Joann's. The doors open, and
the clerk comes out saying "OK, Ladies". This is where you have to shove,
push, grab, bite, scratch and claw to get to the carts and then to the
flannel aisle, where flannel is 99 cents a yard (normally 5.99 - 9.99).

Now, don't think this is some windfall the store is bestowing on you with no
expected effort on your part other than to pick it up and put it in your
cart. No, that's not it at all. You have to WORK for this ****. And this is
dangerous stuff, not for the weak of heart or weak of body. If you have
tremendous upper body strength and can swing a bolt of fabric into someone's
head with accuracy, you are probably going to do well. (Remember that flat
fabrics are not a good weapon, but bolted fabrics ARE - the corners are
effective when shoved into an eye. So ALWAYS go for the bolted stuff first.)
Also be cautious of women with curlers - the curlers are there for a reason,
and it has nothing to do with hair. A well placed bobby pin in the back of
the hand will force someone to drop whatever they are holding. Beware of
ANYONE with knitting needles holding a tight bun on the back of their head.
That is *NOT* for fashion's sake. And knitting needles hurt. Especially when
they are sharpened.

Also, tight clothing is best. Loose clothing can be grabbed and it's quite
easy to swing someone around by a loose fitting sweater. No sense losing
your place close to the shelf because of poor clothing choices. And for
God's sake, wear heavy shoes. Preferably steel toed. You can lose a toe with
a well placed high heel.

Of course, the tight clothing also works in well with the concept of
"armor". If you DO have a loose fitting sweater, you can wear that as the
outer layer, and wear more protective clothing underneath. Layering a
sweater over a down jacket, leather vest and kevlar shield will help if you
get knocked to the floor and trampled. This will allow you to recover your
footing in the fastest amount of time and with the least downtime for
injury. It's heartbreaking to watch the last of the "Licensed Character
Print Flannel" ($1.49 a yard!!!) walk by you while you are nursing a broken
rib.

Also, It's best to bring with you a small emergency medical kit. Make sure
it includes bandages for slight scratches and gauze and tape for bite
wounds. Also, I've found a small ziplock baggie helpful. You can use it to
put in some of the hair you lose. That way, when you discover you need a wig
to cover your baldness, you can match up the color of your "normal" hair.

Another tip is to guard your cart. Beware the "space and swoop" artists.
They are the ones who have discovered something desirable in your cart that
they want. They will intentionally carve out a niche in the aisle, then
slowly move away from that empty space and leave it open, luring and
tempting you in, away from your cart. They will then swoop down and steal
whatever it is they desired out of your unattended cart. Sometimes these
seasoned pros will take the entire cart and all it's contents.

And if *you* must steal something out of someone's cart, do it in the
checkout aisle. Hold up something tempting, like paisley prints and "ooooh
and ahhhh" that there were so many colors still left over in the clearance
section and then offer to stand guard while people go to check out this
find. Then rummage through their carts to find what you want. This is
especially effective if you are near the front of the line and likely to be
gone by the time your new BFF's get back.

Once you get through checkout, remember that the war is not over. You must
safely get your treasures to the car and inside before you can really relax
and revel in another successful Joann's Black Friday. And do not fall prey
to the "distract and dash" shoppers. The ones who try to get you to go with
them in their car to the next nearest Joann's in the next town over for more
shopping. All you are to them is a warm body in their army. They will have
you shop, then steal your loaded cart and leave you stranded in some
unfamiliar town with no ride home.

No, finally, after spending all my gift card money, I go straight home.
Hopefully only slightly wounded and slightly bedraggled, with about 25 huge
bags of fabric, thread, rotary cutter blades, patterns, flat quarters,
interfacing, buttons, snaps, bias tape, quilt backings and put it all in the
sewing room - to sit there for a whole year without being touched. I still
have 3 or 4 bags of stuff I haven't even looked in and have NO idea what's
in them from LAST year's Joann's Black Friday sale.

Man, I love Christmas.


--
Kim
www.thedarwinexception.wordpress.com
*Well, according to those killjoys over at PETA, there's apparently no
right way to eat a Rhesus. (Sebastian P.)*

==== j a c k at c a m p i n . m e . u k === http://www.campin.me.uk ====
Jack Campin, 11 Third St, Newtongrange EH22 4PU, Scotland == mob 07800 739 557
CD-ROMs and free stuff: Scottish music, food intolerance, and Mac logic fonts

Jack Campin - bogus address wrote:
Originally posted on alt.fan.cecil-adams.

Subject: The war on black Friday

Jack, that sounds like the Horrid's sale...
--
Kate XXXXXX R.C.T.Q Madame Chef des Trolls
Lady Catherine, Wardrobe Mistress of the Chocolate Buttons
http://www.katedicey.co.uk
Click on Kate's Pages and explore!

Jack Campin - bogus address wrote:
Originally posted on alt.fan.cecil-adams.

Subject: The war on black Friday


Thanks, Jack, I was laughing out loud by the time I got 1/4 of the way
through.

Judie

My computer does not like Jack. Sometimes, I don't either. Got enough
grumpy men around here without longing for another but usually I enjoy
seeing what he has to add . . . most of the time I only get to read what
Jack has written if it's carried here by someone else.
Would somebody please carry his post so I can see what he's reported on
Black Friday? Polly

I hope this works for you Polly.

Dee in Oz

" Subject: The war on black Friday
From: "Kim"
Lars Eighner wrote:
Yeah, like this year you will miss the bargains if you don't get up
at 3 a.m. Awesome.

Well, Black Friday *is* my Christmas. We don't celebrate actual Christmas
day with presents and trees and crap, but I *do* get up at 4 AM on Friday
and go to Joann's for "Kim's Christmas". I have my gift cards in my hand
that I've saved from the entire previous year, and I have all my coupons
from being a "preferred customer". I have a list of everything I want
from
the sale flyer and I have a map of the store that I've drawn highlighting
where all the things are I want to get.

Then, I go to Joann's. Now, this is tricky, since you MUST get there
BEFORE
they open, and you must be one of the first 50 or so in line. Our Joann's
is
small, and they actually count people going in and won't let in more
people
than the fire marshalls allow. And they only have like 10 shopping carts.
So, if you aren't one of the first 10 people, you're ****ed and have to
carry around bolts of fabric, or leave them on the cutting table in a
pile
and hope that no one steals your bolt. (I will steal bolts.And so will
everyone else.) I've discovered that it's best at this point to gauge the
competition. Try to sidle in line behind the largest women there. Most
likely, they are the ones who ate the most the day before, and thus are
still feeling the most effects of the tryptophan and have the least
shopping
stamina. You can slip by them the easiest and they are the easiest to
grab
**** from.Beware the lean, vegetarian, granola chomping types. Most
likely
the only thing they ate the day before was green bean casserole and other
light fare and they will be the most feisty.

Then comes the *real* joy of Black Friday's at Joann's. The doors open,
and
the clerk comes out saying "OK, Ladies". This is where you have to shove,
push, grab, bite, scratch and claw to get to the carts and then to the
flannel aisle, where flannel is 99 cents a yard (normally 5.99 - 9.99).

Now, don't think this is some windfall the store is bestowing on you with
no
expected effort on your part other than to pick it up and put it in your
cart. No, that's not it at all. You have to WORK for this ****. And this
is
dangerous stuff, not for the weak of heart or weak of body. If you have
tremendous upper body strength and can swing a bolt of fabric into
someone's
head with accuracy, you are probably going to do well. (Remember that
flat
fabrics are not a good weapon, but bolted fabrics ARE - the corners are
effective when shoved into an eye. So ALWAYS go for the bolted stuff
first.)
Also be cautious of women with curlers - the curlers are there for a
reason,
and it has nothing to do with hair. A well placed bobby pin in the back
of
the hand will force someone to drop whatever they are holding. Beware of
ANYONE with knitting needles holding a tight bun on the back of their
head.
That is *NOT* for fashion's sake. And knitting needles hurt. Especially
when
they are sharpened.

Also, tight clothing is best. Loose clothing can be grabbed and it's
quite
easy to swing someone around by a loose fitting sweater. No sense losing
your place close to the shelf because of poor clothing choices. And for
God's sake, wear heavy shoes. Preferably steel toed. You can lose a toe
with
a well placed high heel.

Of course, the tight clothing also works in well with the concept of
"armor". If you DO have a loose fitting sweater, you can wear that as the
outer layer, and wear more protective clothing underneath. Layering a
sweater over a down jacket, leather vest and kevlar shield will help if
you
get knocked to the floor and trampled. This will allow you to recover
your
footing in the fastest amount of time and with the least downtime for
injury. It's heartbreaking to watch the last of the "Licensed Character
Print Flannel" ($1.49 a yard!!!) walk by you while you are nursing a
broken
rib.

Also, It's best to bring with you a small emergency medical kit. Make
sure
it includes bandages for slight scratches and gauze and tape for bite
wounds. Also, I've found a small ziplock baggie helpful. You can use it
to
put in some of the hair you lose. That way, when you discover you need a
wig
to cover your baldness, you can match up the color of your "normal" hair.

Another tip is to guard your cart. Beware the "space and swoop" artists.
They are the ones who have discovered something desirable in your cart
that
they want. They will intentionally carve out a niche in the aisle, then
slowly move away from that empty space and leave it open, luring and
tempting you in, away from your cart. They will then swoop down and steal
whatever it is they desired out of your unattended cart. Sometimes these
seasoned pros will take the entire cart and all it's contents.

And if *you* must steal something out of someone's cart, do it in the
checkout aisle. Hold up something tempting, like paisley prints and
"ooooh
and ahhhh" that there were so many colors still left over in the
clearance
section and then offer to stand guard while people go to check out this
find. Then rummage through their carts to find what you want. This is
especially effective if you are near the front of the line and likely to
be
gone by the time your new BFF's get back.

Once you get through checkout, remember that the war is not over. You
must
safely get your treasures to the car and inside before you can really
relax
and revel in another successful Joann's Black Friday. And do not fall
prey
to the "distract and dash" shoppers. The ones who try to get you to go
with
them in their car to the next nearest Joann's in the next town over for
more
shopping. All you are to them is a warm body in their army. They will
have
you shop, then steal your loaded cart and leave you stranded in some
unfamiliar town with no ride home.

No, finally, after spending all my gift card money, I go straight home.
Hopefully only slightly wounded and slightly bedraggled, with about 25
huge
bags of fabric, thread, rotary cutter blades, patterns, flat quarters,
interfacing, buttons, snaps, bias tape, quilt backings and put it all in
the
sewing room - to sit there for a whole year without being touched. I
still
have 3 or 4 bags of stuff I haven't even looked in and have NO idea
what's
in them from LAST year's Joann's Black Friday sale.

Man, I love Christmas.


--
Kim
www.thedarwinexception.wordpress.com
*Well, according to those killjoys over at PETA, there's apparently no
right way to eat a Rhesus. (Sebastian P.)*

==== j a c k at c a m p i n . m e . u k === http://www.campin.me.uk
====
Jack Campin, 11 Third St, Newtongrange EH22 4PU, Scotland == mob 07800 739
557
CD-ROMs and free stuff: Scottish music, food intolerance, and Mac logic
fonts

Thank you so very much, Dee. I have no clue why my computer regards Jack
with such suspicion.
'Black Friday' reminds me of how much my Dad used to love those
battles. He'd go early and stand in a safe corner just to watch. Sometimes
the warriors would climb over or knock over counters to win. It must be
quite a sight. Scares me just to imagine. Polly



"Dee in Oz" wroteI hope this works for you Polly.

I don't do Black Friday, or any other big sales day. By the way, I am
not my mother's daughter in that respect.

While I laughed reading this, you just proved why I am not a shopper,
especially on sales days.

Ginger in CA

For Polly!

On Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:50:19 +0000, Jack Campin - bogus address
wrote:

Originally posted on alt.fan.cecil-adams.

Subject: The war on black Friday
From: "Kim"
Lars Eighner wrote:
Yeah, like this year you will miss the bargains if you don't get up
at 3 a.m. Awesome.

Well, Black Friday *is* my Christmas. We don't celebrate actual Christmas
day with presents and trees and crap, but I *do* get up at 4 AM on Friday
and go to Joann's for "Kim's Christmas". I have my gift cards in my hand
that I've saved from the entire previous year, and I have all my coupons
from being a "preferred customer". I have a list of everything I want from
the sale flyer and I have a map of the store that I've drawn highlighting
where all the things are I want to get.

Then, I go to Joann's. Now, this is tricky, since you MUST get there BEFORE
they open, and you must be one of the first 50 or so in line. Our Joann's is
small, and they actually count people going in and won't let in more people
than the fire marshalls allow. And they only have like 10 shopping carts.
So, if you aren't one of the first 10 people, you're ****ed and have to
carry around bolts of fabric, or leave them on the cutting table in a pile
and hope that no one steals your bolt. (I will steal bolts.And so will
everyone else.) I've discovered that it's best at this point to gauge the
competition. Try to sidle in line behind the largest women there. Most
likely, they are the ones who ate the most the day before, and thus are
still feeling the most effects of the tryptophan and have the least shopping
stamina. You can slip by them the easiest and they are the easiest to grab
**** from.Beware the lean, vegetarian, granola chomping types. Most likely
the only thing they ate the day before was green bean casserole and other
light fare and they will be the most feisty.

Then comes the *real* joy of Black Friday's at Joann's. The doors open, and
the clerk comes out saying "OK, Ladies". This is where you have to shove,
push, grab, bite, scratch and claw to get to the carts and then to the
flannel aisle, where flannel is 99 cents a yard (normally 5.99 - 9.99).

Now, don't think this is some windfall the store is bestowing on you with no
expected effort on your part other than to pick it up and put it in your
cart. No, that's not it at all. You have to WORK for this ****. And this is
dangerous stuff, not for the weak of heart or weak of body. If you have
tremendous upper body strength and can swing a bolt of fabric into someone's
head with accuracy, you are probably going to do well. (Remember that flat
fabrics are not a good weapon, but bolted fabrics ARE - the corners are
effective when shoved into an eye. So ALWAYS go for the bolted stuff first.)
Also be cautious of women with curlers - the curlers are there for a reason,
and it has nothing to do with hair. A well placed bobby pin in the back of
the hand will force someone to drop whatever they are holding. Beware of
ANYONE with knitting needles holding a tight bun on the back of their head.
That is *NOT* for fashion's sake. And knitting needles hurt. Especially when
they are sharpened.

Also, tight clothing is best. Loose clothing can be grabbed and it's quite
easy to swing someone around by a loose fitting sweater. No sense losing
your place close to the shelf because of poor clothing choices. And for
God's sake, wear heavy shoes. Preferably steel toed. You can lose a toe with
a well placed high heel.

Of course, the tight clothing also works in well with the concept of
"armor". If you DO have a loose fitting sweater, you can wear that as the
outer layer, and wear more protective clothing underneath. Layering a
sweater over a down jacket, leather vest and kevlar shield will help if you
get knocked to the floor and trampled. This will allow you to recover your
footing in the fastest amount of time and with the least downtime for
injury. It's heartbreaking to watch the last of the "Licensed Character
Print Flannel" ($1.49 a yard!!!) walk by you while you are nursing a broken
rib.

Also, It's best to bring with you a small emergency medical kit. Make sure
it includes bandages for slight scratches and gauze and tape for bite
wounds. Also, I've found a small ziplock baggie helpful. You can use it to
put in some of the hair you lose. That way, when you discover you need a wig
to cover your baldness, you can match up the color of your "normal" hair.

Another tip is to guard your cart. Beware the "space and swoop" artists.
They are the ones who have discovered something desirable in your cart that
they want. They will intentionally carve out a niche in the aisle, then
slowly move away from that empty space and leave it open, luring and
tempting you in, away from your cart. They will then swoop down and steal
whatever it is they desired out of your unattended cart. Sometimes these
seasoned pros will take the entire cart and all it's contents.

And if *you* must steal something out of someone's cart, do it in the
checkout aisle. Hold up something tempting, like paisley prints and "ooooh
and ahhhh" that there were so many colors still left over in the clearance
section and then offer to stand guard while people go to check out this
find. Then rummage through their carts to find what you want. This is
especially effective if you are near the front of the line and likely to be
gone by the time your new BFF's get back.

Once you get through checkout, remember that the war is not over. You must
safely get your treasures to the car and inside before you can really relax
and revel in another successful Joann's Black Friday. And do not fall prey
to the "distract and dash" shoppers. The ones who try to get you to go with
them in their car to the next nearest Joann's in the next town over for more
shopping. All you are to them is a warm body in their army. They will have
you shop, then steal your loaded cart and leave you stranded in some
unfamiliar town with no ride home.

No, finally, after spending all my gift card money, I go straight home.
Hopefully only slightly wounded and slightly bedraggled, with about 25 huge
bags of fabric, thread, rotary cutter blades, patterns, flat quarters,
interfacing, buttons, snaps, bias tape, quilt backings and put it all in the
sewing room - to sit there for a whole year without being touched. I still
have 3 or 4 bags of stuff I haven't even looked in and have NO idea what's
in them from LAST year's Joann's Black Friday sale.

Man, I love Christmas.


--
Kim
www.thedarwinexception.wordpress.com
*Well, according to those killjoys over at PETA, there's apparently no
right way to eat a Rhesus. (Sebastian P.)*

==== j a c k at c a m p i n . m e . u k === http://www.campin.me.uk ====
Jack Campin, 11 Third St, Newtongrange EH22 4PU, Scotland == mob 07800 739 557
CD-ROMs and free stuff: Scottish music, food intolerance, and Mac logic fonts
Debra

My art for sale at:
http://www.redbubble.com/people/DesignsByDeb

Thank you Debra - Dee in Oz guided me to it. We had this funny idea for
Black Friday. We have a little red truck. Thought about taking it to the
parking lot at WalMart and offering to drive shoppers and their trophies
back to their own vehicles for about $10 per haul.
Honestly, the very idea of being in that madness terrifies me but it
might be a money maker for someone young and fearless. Polly


"Debra" wrote, in part For Polly!

On Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:50:19 +0000, Jack Campin - bogus address
wrote:

Originally posted on alt.fan.cecil-adams.

On Fri, 28 Nov 2008 07:35:16 -0600, "Polly Esther"
wrote:

Thank you Debra - Dee in Oz guided me to it. We had this funny idea for
Black Friday. We have a little red truck. Thought about taking it to the
parking lot at WalMart and offering to drive shoppers and their trophies
back to their own vehicles for about $10 per haul.
Honestly, the very idea of being in that madness terrifies me but it
might be a money maker for someone young and fearless. Polly

Gotta be somebody younger than me.
Debra

My art for sale at:
http://www.redbubble.com/people/DesignsByDeb