Terribly OT opinions requested...

I was thinking the same thing when I read that post, Celine. Kids are
something you have for your ENTIRE LIFE. And there's no guarantee you'll even
LIKE them. Make sure it's something you really, really want -- yourself. Not
for others. They are a human life.

No offense meant, but this whole statement really sets off one of my major
warning bells. Having children isn't something you do for OTHER people. I'm
not
saying you shouldn't do it -- only that you need to be sure it's something YOU
want before you do, because once you take that step there's no turning back.
If you do it just to make your husband (or any of the potential grandparents)
happy, you'll end up regretting it and resenting the child.
Celine

In article , says...

On a side topic, I really don't understand the need to have one's own
biological
children. I personally am not looking forward THAT MUCH to being pregnant
or
having a newborn (I'm typically not interested in kids until they start
talking
and "doing stuff") and I feel I could fall in love with almost any child
(knowing myself, I know that I would not be the right parent for a child
with
severe mental disabilities, but I think I could be very understanding to a
child with learning disabilities (my husband and several friends have
various
ones) or physical disabilities).
However my husband, just about the most generous person I have ever met,
really
wants his own biological children and we've got 5 grandparents and some
great-grandparents who have all expressed similar desires in one form or
other
(DH's father and stepmother have had one adopted child and one foster child
in addition to 6 children and several grandchildren on the stepmother's
side,
but DH says he knows his father really wants his "own" grandchild, and
apparently amoungst DH's biological siblings we appear most likely to ever
get
around to producing those)
It is actually hard for me to understand the difference between having a
"biological" child and falling in love with one that isn't, but maybe I'll
understand more after I have one of my own?


~~
Sooz
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No offense meant, but this whole statement really sets off one of my major
warning bells. Having children isn't something you do for OTHER people. I'm not
saying you shouldn't do it -- only that you need to be sure it's something YOU
want before you do, because once you take that step there's no turning back. If
you do it just to make your husband (or any of the potential grandparents)
happy, you'll end up regretting it and resenting the child.


I certainly wouldn't do that.

After I had submitted the letter I realized that people here would probably
respond like that.

Just because I don't see the NECESSITY of a baby being biologically related to
myself doesn't mean that I couldn't deal with having one (although these scary
pregnancy stories certainly are not encouraging me to look at that process as
enjoyable in itself!).

Before we got married we had a lot of conversations about our beliefs about
family and values and I would say that although our values aren't 100% the same
they are probably 90-95% overlapping (religion being the main factor... we are
both Jewish but he is non-practicing and really didn't have much of a background
from the way he was brought up). I always felt that if I were to get married
(being unwilling to get married just to get married) having a family is a
crucial part of life, and family is very important to him also. If it turns out
that something is physically wrong with either of us, I would say I would push
pretty hard to adopt rather then go with extraordinary measures, and I am
thinking that we may wish to be foster or adoptive parents in the future
regardless. However, if there are no physical constraints I do not see why I
should not have a child or two (current plan is two, only after we feel "ready"
which we hope will be around 28/29 years of age) just because he wants it MORE
then I do. And while I wouldn't have a child FOR my parents or grandparents, I
don't see their desire to have grandchildren as totally irrelevant. Having
children in a family is an important part of family life.

Which isn't to say I disagree at all with some of the points made here about
overpopulation, etc. (When I was young I always wanted to have a lot of kids
but I now feel that would be really irresponsible).

marisa2

Just because I don't see the NECESSITY of a baby being biologically related
to
myself doesn't mean that I couldn't deal with having one
~snip~
I always felt that if I were to get married
(being unwilling to get married just to get married) having a family is a
crucial part of life
~snip~
However, if there are no physical constraints I do not see why I
should not have a child or two (current plan is two, only after we feel
"ready"
which we hope will be around 28/29 years of age)
~snip~
And while I wouldn't have a child FOR my parents or grandparents, I
don't see their desire to have grandchildren as totally irrelevant. Having
children in a family is an important part of family life.

But Marisa -- nowhere in any of your posts about this do I see you say you
really WANT children. Just that it is an important part of life.
~~
Sooz
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Seeing my mom or sis in my little girls face is wonderful, but what if she
had no features in common with my family?
Kids are kids, they need love..

Yeah -- that seeing-yourself-in-the-child's-face thing is simply ego. A child
is a child.
~~
Sooz
-------
ESBC
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Years later, our suspicions
about our families' prejudices proved well founded. They were terrible about
P/T D when she came into our lives, and each one came out and told us that
the child "wasn't one of us." And this is a child whose racial/ethnic
background is similar to ours!

Okay....who are the people who said this? I want to be clear on this.
~~
Sooz
-------
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This should say, I am NOT suggesting you can replace a child. OOps
KH
"mkahogan"

I bet everyone here knew that. I read it into it.
~~
Sooz
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ESBC
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In article ,
says...

I didn't care one way or another whether we made our kid(s) at home, or
adopted, but DH felt strongly otherwise. There was also the fact that we
could easily see one or all of our parents and grandparents rejecting a child
who was of a different ethnic background than we are. There was also the fact
that we didn't have a spare $60K lying around (I called agencies here in
Mass, and that was the going rate at the time. Private adoptions are illegal
in Mass.). Lastly, we had close friends who got a child placed with them at
two days after birth, supposedly without legal risk, who was snatched away
from them two years later when the birth mother detoxed and changed her mind.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention *that* little complication! It used to be that
once the adoption was finalized, that was that -- but it's increasingly true
now that the bio-parents can renege and find a judge willing to side with them.
How the HELL can it be in the child's best interest to tear her away from the
only family she's ever known???? You talk about selfishness -- THAT is true
selfishness on the part of the bio-parents! (Sorry, hot button.)


Fortunately, we were blessed enough to have DD. Years later, our suspicions
about our families' prejudices proved well founded. They were terrible about
P/T D when she came into our lives, and each one came out and told us that
the child "wasn't one of us." And this is a child whose racial/ethnic
background is similar to ours! I cannot imagine their reactions if we had
adopted a child of a different race than ours.

Yes, that's another potential problem. There are still a LOT of people who
consider adopted children "inferior" to biological children. I think some of my
mother's family were that way, although no one ever came out and *said* it --
especially as I got older and my differences, physical and psychological, from
the rest of the family became more clear.

Celine

--
Handmade jewelry at http://www.rubylane.com/shops/starcat
"Only the powers of evil claim that doing good is boring."
-- Diane Duane, _Nightfall at Algemron_

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention *that* little complication! It used to be that
once the adoption was finalized, that was that -- but it's increasingly true
now that the bio-parents can renege and find a judge willing to side with
them.
How the HELL can it be in the child's best interest to tear her away from the
only family she's ever known???? You talk about selfishness -- THAT is true
selfishness on the part of the bio-parents! (Sorry, hot button.)

Hell YEAH. Makes me ill.
~~
Sooz
-------
ESBC
~ Dr. Sooz's Bead Links
http://airandearth.netfirms.com/soozlinkslist.html
~ Bead Notes: Beading information A - Z
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But Marisa -- nowhere in any of your posts about this do I see you say you
really WANT children. Just that it is an important part of life.

I was specifically commenting on my feelings (or lack thereof) regarding the
difference between having my own biological children and adopting.

marisa2

Kathy N-V wrote:

We very much wanted a family, but we ended up deciding that the cons of
adopting through state agencies were too much for us. Between that and the
problems posed by our respective families, we decided to take a chance at
having a child of our own. We decided that if we were unable to have
children of our own, we would probably do without, rather than have an
adopted child suffer the rejection from both our families.



I am guessing people here are not going to feel "happy" about that part.

I am not sure exactly what would happen in my family... I don't think an adopted
child would be rejected, but especially if it were an older child I don't think
it would be "the same" as a natural grandchild. I have a feeling that if we
adopted BECAUSE we couldn't have a child otherwise it would be "better". Not
that I agree but that is my hunch.

I know that DH claims that his father, who adores his foster-child and non
biological grandchildren (biologically only grandchildren of his second wife)
really also wants a biological grandchild. That is a place where I find it
difficult to get my imagination around the perceived difference.

One thing *I* would want to do that I guess the Black Social Workers
Organization wouldn't like at all would be to have adopted children convert to
Jewdism, though if we adopted them at an older age I would not push them to do
this. (Actually, I wonder how conversion works in this type of a situation...
usually conversion requires a strong desire and level of knowledge on the part
of the potential convert. Can children adopted at a young age be converted
before reaching adulthood??)

marisa2