OT More about my sister-cousin Linda

Just wanted to let everyone know that Matthew and I finally managed to come
up with some money for gas to make the 3 -4 hour trip to visit with her. We
will be leaving here early Saturday morning and going to my sister's on the
other side of Toronto where we will stay overnight, and my brother-in-law
will drive us all in to visit Linda on Sunday.

Since Linda had hoped to make it to one more Christmas, and no one thinks
she will make it that long, I am gathering a few things to take along for
her so she *can* have a Christmas of sorts... "because I won't be able to
make another trip to be here to spend Christmas with you" (so she doesn't
have to think that it's because no one thinks *she* will be here for
Christmas). Matthew smiled and told me I was very sneaky... he knows what
I'm doing is for Linda's benefit and it will actually break my own heart.

I bought a Christmas-y basket to put a few things in for her. She has
always loved tea, so I bought her one of those large teacups and a couple of
different flavoured teas that I can add some of the teabags to the basket
for her to try. I also bought some of those tiny candy canes and some
Christmas candy too, and will get some other candy from the Bulk Barn to put
in a tin for her, as she loves sweets. I bought a photo album for her to
keep some pictures in that my sister took of us all when we were at Linda's
back in May... and a notebook for her to write her thoughts in, if and when
she feels up to it. I got a crossword puzzle book for her and I'll add a
pen to go with it and the notebook. I got a tiny lazer-cut vase with purple
flowers, and a figurine of two cats (she *loves* cats and is now in the
hospital away from her little cat) nuzzling each other. I happened to spot
a small pillow with a cord handle on it that I will hang behind/beside her
bed where they put cards and such... it's pink and has embroidered on it
"The Princess Sleeps Here" which will be meaningful for her as my Mom used
to call her "Princess" since she was born (the only thing that would have
made it perfect would have been if it said "Sam" anywhere on it as my Dad
always called her "Sam", so throughout her life she got cards from my
parents that read "Princess Sam" and that's how she signed things to them as
well. )

To add to the basket (likely hanging from the outter edge) I got a package
of four drum ornaments which have special meaning to she and I that make us
laugh every Christmas. We went to Midnight Mass together one year and when
it came time for the choir to sing... one of the hymns happened to be "The
Little Drummer Boy" and the way it was done just sounded hilarious to us.
We sat there trying our best to be nice in church and avoiding looking at
each other because we knew what would happen if we did.... sure enough at
one point our eyes happened to connect with each other and that was the end
of it... we sat there with a hand firmly over our mouths (even trying to
cough or make like we were blowing our noses) to try to cover the fact that
we were giggling and no matter what we did we couldn't stop. Thankfully it
was near the very end of mass, so we were able to leave shortly afterward
and once we got outside and across the street from the church we were
holding each other up as we walked home crying with laughter. Ever since
then, we try to find a Christmas card or wrapping paper for a gift...
something with the "drummer boy" theme to it, and start laughing all over
again.

I will do my best to hold it together until after we leave, but I can't
promise. Linda knows that she is dying, and she knows that I know...
afterall I was the first person who actually opened up and spoke straight
with her about it all, while everyone else tried to pretend it wasn't
happening. I'm sure at some point during our visit I will fill up (and
possibly even cry a bit, although I am going to do my best not to), and she
knows because I told her during our visit back in May that I will miss her
terribly when she is gone... she even tried to joke saying "Yeah, I'm gonna
miss me too!" :'o( I'm sitting here in tears now as I type this.
--
I have to say though, I am extremely ****ed with Linda's son Liam at the
moment. When my oldest sister phoned me last week to tell me that Linda was
in the hospital now, she said that Linda's friend had phoned to tell her.
Matthew found Liam online and spoke to him about it... Liam was ticked off
that people know, because he wasn't ready to tell anyone yet and said that
he was going to when the time was right. I said then in anger "Was he going
to wait until she died before telling us?!?" then I thought about it and
assumed he was just upset and trying to deal with it first before telling
anyone. Tonight my sister phoned again to let me know that she had made it
to visit Linda last Sunday afterall. She said she looked so tiny and frail
in the bed all alone.... she is barely over 80 lbs now... with no visitors.
Mary (my sister) said she and her husband stayed to visit for about an hour
and then a friend of Linda's came in, so they left. I asked if Liam was
there too. Mary said "No! He has only been to see her ONCE since she went
into the hospital the week before (she went in the Monday before my sister
went to see her) because apparently 'he can't handle it'. Linda's mad at
him and doesn't even want to talk to him. He phoned while we were there and
Linda told him she had visitors and she didn't want to talk to him."

I know different people handle this sort of thing differently, but she is
his mother... she is the ONLY parent he has ever known, and the only close
family he has. He lost his grandmother (my Aunt Blanche) 1 1/2 years ago,
and now he is losing his mother. Once she is gone he cannot get her back to
apologize for not spending time with her, or to hold her hand even. My Dad
hated the hospital with a passion after seeing his father dying in the
hallway, but when my Mom or any of his children were in the hospital he
sucked it up and went to visit. In fact when my Mom had her stroke we all
went to visit her (30 miles one way) every single day. When my Dad had his
stroke we all went to visit him everyday as well... and that was after my
Mom was just home from the hospital and we had to try to get her in and out
of the car and into a wheelchair... backbreaking, but we did it. Liam lives
a few miles away in the same city as the hospital his mother is in and he
goes to see her *once* because he can't handle it?!?!? Matthew is *very*
angry with Liam right now... and said it's a good thing he hasn't been
online tonight or he would be getting a LOT said to him for him to think
about.
--
Oh... semi-good news! I got a call from Disability today wanting a bit of
information sent to them (verification letters) so they can try to see if
there is anything they can do about our roof for us hopefully *before*
winter and snow set in. The only problem is that Matthew has to try to
convince Ontario Works to help with his half of the cost... and they are
being real sticklers to needing THREE estimates even though we have only
been able to get two because everyone else is booked solid right up to
February and March of next year so they won't even come out to give
estimates at all. When the woman spoke to me from Disability I told her
that we were afraid if the snow came the weight of it might cave in our
roof... she said "Yes, we considered that and that is why we want to try to
get things moving as quickly as we can... so try to get those things to me
as soon as you can." I told Matthew what she said and he said what I had
been thinking.... "They want to get things moving as quickly as they can?!?
Ummm, you sent them the estimate and letter WHEN?... back in early summer
wasn't it?" *shrug* Oh well, even though the ceiling is sagging in the
kitchen and a bit in the laundryroom now... if they can and will have it
fixed... late is better than not at all, so we don't really care that much
it just sounded odd.
--
Well, I really do need to get off here now. I have to get some sleep as we
have to make an unexpected trip to London tomorrow to pick up Matthew's
transcript from the college to send to Ontario Works as they have held his
money back because they don't have verification that he completed the two
courses he was attending last that ended Oct 10th. *shakes head* They
don't give you a deadline to have the information to them, they just know
themselves when they want it and if you don't read their minds and get it to
them by the right date they stop your money.

In case I don't get back on here before our trip... take care and I'll post
a message after we get back.

*hugs*
Gemini

"YarnWright" wrote in message
...
...
PLEASE know that I've not stopped thinking of you, Linda and the entire
situation.
I cried while reading ....
Safe trip and Godspeed.
Love,
Noreen

Thank you so much for your kind words, Noreen. The trip went well, even
though it was heart-breaking.

We went to my sister's on Saturday, stayed overnight (photocopying a few
pictures to take to the hospital for Linda... and a few for us as well that
we were missing, including a picture of my sister and myself with Linda when
we visited her in May). All I can say is thank God we had pictures taken
back in May because even though I brought my camera with me there was no way
that I was taking it out to take pictures of Linda the way she looks now...
she would have been so very upset, and it's definitely not the way I want to
remember her. She is failing physically.. she is literally a skeleton
covered in skin now and she used to be such a pretty lady, in fact she
easily could have been a model in her younger years but never went for it.

When we walked into the hospital room I didn't recognize her and turned to
look at my sister thinking they might have moved Linda to a different
room... my sister nodded that it *was* Linda. I was shocke and was glad
that Linda was sleeping and didn't see my shock. When she woke up and saw
that I was standing there, she kept repeating over and over "Oh my God, oh
my God, oh my God!" and wrapped her arms around my neck while I held her
frail body in my arms. She sobbed which got me sobbing too, of course. My
sister was fighting back her tears on the other side of the bed, while
Matthew and my brother-in-law stood there all choked up.

Her lunch tray sat there untouched... she has a hard time eating now... and
at some point while we were talking someone came in a removed the tray
without being noticed. A few minutes later a nurse brought her medication
in applesauce and she gave her a couple of spoonsful of jello afterwards to
get rid of the taste... then later again another nurse brought her a
chocolate pudding which she ate all of. My sister and myself don't get why
they don't give her more puddings since she can manage to eat that... at
least she would have *something* in her stomach then.

She really enjoyed everything we brought her, although I seriously doubt
that she will even eat the candy... she either pretended or thought she had
actually eaten the chocolate bars my sister brought her last week, but we
spotted them under a magazine and didn't say anything to her about them.
More than the things we brought her though, she was so happy that we made it
to visit her again... we are too of course. Every so often she would reach
out and hold my hand, or stroke my face telling me she loves me.

She told us that over the last couple of days she has felt her mother with
her (Aunt Blanche passed away 1 1/2 years ago) and that she feels comforted
by her presence. She also told me that she had just dreamed about me and
Matthew the night before. The night before at my sister's place we were
wondering if Linda had made plans, and my sister said she didn't feel
comfortable asking her... I said I would talk to her because I was the first
person to actually speak openly with Linda about the fact that she is dying
of cancer, and that she appreciated me being open with her. Then my sister
said, "I've been thinking about something for a while now, but I don't know
how you'll feel about it." I looked at her and smiled and said "About Aunt
Blanche and Linda being buried with Ma and Daddy, right? I've thought about
that since Aunt Blanche passed away, but I wasn't sure how you would feel
about it. Okay, if we're in agreement about it, I'm going to ask Linda if
she would like that."

So... after about an hour I said to Linda "Okay... we've had some fun and
laughs, and we will go back to it again in a few minutes, but right now we
need to talk seriously. We need to get some things cleared up. I have to
ask you something that no one really wants to think about... " She looked
in my eyes and said "Where are they going to plant me, right?" in her old
silly way that she always had. I smiled and said "Well okay, but that isn't
*exactly* the way I'd put it. Have you made arrangements?" No! "Okay, do
you want to be buried or cremated like Aunt Blanche?" She said she wants to
be cremated and she wants to be with her Mom. Then I told her what Mary and
I had talked about and asked how she would feel about her and her Mom being
buried with my parents... she smiled and sighed and said she would love
that, that she wanted to be with family and how much she loved my parents
which we all knew... she always thought of them as an extra set of parents
for herself. I said "Well I know Ma and Daddy would feel good about it, and
you and Aunt Blanche will be where I can go visit you and you won't just be
in a box on a dresser... and someday I will be there beside you too." She
smiled and hugged me again and said she would talk to Liam about it so he
knows to give me hers and Aunt Blanche's ashes after she passes away. Then
we got back to having a nice pleasant visit with smiles and some laughter
again.

Our visit was nice, and a good length of time. She was in pretty good
spirits, or putting on one heck of a good show for our benefit. We cried,
we laughed, we joked around like we used to, and we spoke seriously and
laughed again... and when we could see that she was fighting to stay alert
we hugged and left her to rest before her supper would be arriving. We went
back to my sister's for a few minutes before heading off toward home. On
the drive home last night I felt Linda's last hug (and the feeling of the
bones in her face pressing against my cheek) and the realization that I
would never see her alive again hit me and the tears flowed along with the
sobs. Matthew let me sob a few minutes and then spoke to me about something
totally different to try to take my mind off it and make me smile. I am so
very sad that she will soon be leaving us, but also relieved that the pain
and suffering will soon be over for her... and I am so very happy that we
managed to go to see her one last time.

*hugs*
Gem

"YarnWright" wrote in message
...

Gem,
My heart goes out to you......... :::::::::::::::hug::::::::::::::::
Love,
Noreen

Thank you, Noreen!

*hugs*
Gem

"Not Likely" notinthislifetime@yougottabejoking wrote in message
...

We went to my sister's on Saturday, stayed overnight (photocopying a few
pictures to take to the hospital for Linda... and a few for us as well
that
we were missing, including a picture of my sister and myself with Linda
when
we visited her in May). All I can say is thank God we had pictures taken
back in May because even though I brought my camera with me there was no
way
that I was taking it out to take pictures of Linda the way she looks
now...
she would have been so very upset, and it's definitely not the way I want
to
remember her. She is failing physically.. she is literally a skeleton
covered in skin now and she used to be such a pretty lady, in fact she
easily could have been a model in her younger years but never went for it.

When we walked into the hospital room I didn't recognize her and turned to
look at my sister thinking they might have moved Linda to a different
room... my sister nodded that it *was* Linda. I was shocke and was glad
that Linda was sleeping and didn't see my shock. When she woke up and saw
that I was standing there, she kept repeating over and over "Oh my God, oh
my God, oh my God!" and wrapped her arms around my neck while I held her
frail body in my arms. She sobbed which got me sobbing too, of course.
My
sister was fighting back her tears on the other side of the bed, while
Matthew and my brother-in-law stood there all choked up.

Her lunch tray sat there untouched... she has a hard time eating now...
and
at some point while we were talking someone came in a removed the tray
without being noticed. A few minutes later a nurse brought her medication
in applesauce and she gave her a couple of spoonsful of jello afterwards
to
get rid of the taste... then later again another nurse brought her a
chocolate pudding which she ate all of. My sister and myself don't get
why
they don't give her more puddings since she can manage to eat that... at
least she would have *something* in her stomach then.

She really enjoyed everything we brought her, although I seriously doubt
that she will even eat the candy... she either pretended or thought she
had
actually eaten the chocolate bars my sister brought her last week, but we
spotted them under a magazine and didn't say anything to her about them.
More than the things we brought her though, she was so happy that we made
it
to visit her again... we are too of course. Every so often she would
reach
out and hold my hand, or stroke my face telling me she loves me.

She told us that over the last couple of days she has felt her mother with
her (Aunt Blanche passed away 1 1/2 years ago) and that she feels
comforted
by her presence. She also told me that she had just dreamed about me and
Matthew the night before. The night before at my sister's place we were
wondering if Linda had made plans, and my sister said she didn't feel
comfortable asking her... I said I would talk to her because I was the
first
person to actually speak openly with Linda about the fact that she is
dying
of cancer, and that she appreciated me being open with her. Then my
sister
said, "I've been thinking about something for a while now, but I don't
know
how you'll feel about it." I looked at her and smiled and said "About
Aunt
Blanche and Linda being buried with Ma and Daddy, right? I've thought
about
that since Aunt Blanche passed away, but I wasn't sure how you would feel
about it. Okay, if we're in agreement about it, I'm going to ask Linda if
she would like that."

So... after about an hour I said to Linda "Okay... we've had some fun and
laughs, and we will go back to it again in a few minutes, but right now we
need to talk seriously. We need to get some things cleared up. I have to
ask you something that no one really wants to think about... " She looked
in my eyes and said "Where are they going to plant me, right?" in her old
silly way that she always had. I smiled and said "Well okay, but that
isn't
*exactly* the way I'd put it. Have you made arrangements?" No! "Okay,
do
you want to be buried or cremated like Aunt Blanche?" She said she wants
to
be cremated and she wants to be with her Mom. Then I told her what Mary
and
I had talked about and asked how she would feel about her and her Mom
being
buried with my parents... she smiled and sighed and said she would love
that, that she wanted to be with family and how much she loved my parents
which we all knew... she always thought of them as an extra set of parents
for herself. I said "Well I know Ma and Daddy would feel good about it,
and
you and Aunt Blanche will be where I can go visit you and you won't just
be
in a box on a dresser... and someday I will be there beside you too." She
smiled and hugged me again and said she would talk to Liam about it so he
knows to give me hers and Aunt Blanche's ashes after she passes away.
Then
we got back to having a nice pleasant visit with smiles and some laughter
again.

Our visit was nice, and a good length of time. She was in pretty good
spirits, or putting on one heck of a good show for our benefit. We cried,
we laughed, we joked around like we used to, and we spoke seriously and
laughed again... and when we could see that she was fighting to stay alert
we hugged and left her to rest before her supper would be arriving. We
went
back to my sister's for a few minutes before heading off toward home. On
the drive home last night I felt Linda's last hug (and the feeling of the
bones in her face pressing against my cheek) and the realization that I
would never see her alive again hit me and the tears flowed along with the
sobs. Matthew let me sob a few minutes and then spoke to me about
something
totally different to try to take my mind off it and make me smile. I am
so
very sad that she will soon be leaving us, but also relieved that the pain
and suffering will soon be over for her... and I am so very happy that we
managed to go to see her one last time.

*hugs*
Gem


Glad you were able to see your sister-cousin and talk about what
arrangements she'd like; that's always a difficult subject to bring up.
Keeping good thoughts for an easy time of it for her.
{{hugs}}
--
Carey in MA

"Carey N." wrote in message
news:7nNXi.1295$Cc.16@trndny09...

Glad you were able to see your sister-cousin and talk about what
arrangements she'd like; that's always a difficult subject to bring up.
Keeping good thoughts for an easy time of it for her.
{{hugs}}
--
Carey in MA

Thank you so much, Carey! Yes, it is a difficult subject, but one that
needs to be addressed unfortunately. Matthew knows that I don't want to be
cremated, and he knows there will be enough insurance money when I pass away
for a proper burial... he can pick out the casket and music, etc. It's
just that Linda's son Liam isn't dealing with any of it very well (but
apparently he has visited her a couple of times since my sister was there
last week... Linda says he works in the afternoon and doesn't get off until
10:30 PM so mornings are the only time he can manage to get to the hospital
to see her) and I just wanted to make sure that someone spoke to her about
what she wants done. Since she appreciated me talking openly with her about
the fact that her cancer is terminal and not tippy-toeing around throwing
rose petals around that she will get better when it's an outright lie (yes
she *looked* good back in May, and keeping a positive attitude is likely
what helped her stay strong as long as she did, but the fact remains that
she does have *terminal* cancer, not one that they can get rid of), I knew
that she would feel better if I was the one who spoke to her about her
arrangements... and she did, she really appreciated it and breathed a sigh
of relief after things were settled upon and out in the open.

I'm just dreading getting the phonecall from my sister saying Linda is gone.
After that long trip (and the price of gas went up around here just before
our trip and there are no signs of the price coming down now), and spending
$90 on the trip to my sisters (the other side of Toronto), back to Toronto
to visit Linda because my brother-in-law's van is acting like the
transmission is about to go, back to my sister's to drop them off and then
back home again... we are totally out of money, and there are some bills
that I had forgotten about that came in today. / One thing after
another. Matthew and I *want* to be able to go to Linda's service (and to
pick up her ashes and Aunt Blanches too to bring them back here), but we may
not be able to and my sister will have to pick the ashes up and we'll have
to get them from her at a later date.

Oh well... I'm just so glad that we did get to see Linda while she is still
alive and alert enough to enjoy our visit. I know it pleased her... it
certainly brought smiles and laughter to her (along with a few tears), and I
know that it brought her comfort too to know that she and Aunt Blanche have
a resting place waiting for them when the time comes.

*hugs*
Gem

"Not Likely" notinthislifetime@yougottabejoking wrote in message
...

We went to my sister's on Saturday, stayed overnight (photocopying a few
pictures to take to the hospital for Linda... and a few for us as well
that
we were missing, including a picture of my sister and myself with Linda
when
we visited her in May). All I can say is thank God we had pictures taken
back in May because even though I brought my camera with me there was no
way
that I was taking it out to take pictures of Linda the way she looks
now...
she would have been so very upset, and it's definitely not the way I want
to
remember her.

Gem,

I'm very sorry about Linda. One thing I regret when I lost a family
member to cancer is that I never recorded his voice. I realized once
it was too late it would have been nice to have more than just
pictures for future generations. It was a comfort to hear a friend's
voice who was killed in an unexpected accident was preserved on her
answering machine after I realized I should have recorded my
relative's voice. I wonder if recording Linda might help your family
go through this loss better, knowing that some more of her will be
around. She might also like to record some of her life's wisdom for
future generations as well.

Leah

"Leah" wrote in message
...

Gem,

I'm very sorry about Linda. One thing I regret when I lost a family
member to cancer is that I never recorded his voice. I realized once
it was too late it would have been nice to have more than just
pictures for future generations. It was a comfort to hear a friend's
voice who was killed in an unexpected accident was preserved on her
answering machine after I realized I should have recorded my
relative's voice. I wonder if recording Linda might help your family
go through this loss better, knowing that some more of her will be
around. She might also like to record some of her life's wisdom for
future generations as well.

Leah

Thank you for your kind words, Leah.

I'm sorry that you never got to record your relative's voice. I don't have
my parents' voices recorded either but we do have pictures, a few personal
items (I have a ring that each of them owned and wore for instance), and of
course our memories... and LOTS of those that we all talk about and some we
laugh about when we get together. I also have a ring and a bracelet that
Linda gave me when I visited her in May "To remember me by", and she told me
on Sunday that after she passes away I am to have her amethyst cross
necklace.

We do have fairly recent pictures of Linda (from our visit in May) where she
looked good and happy. I also have a message she left on my answering
machine for my birthday, so I do have her voice to hear everytime I listen
to the messages on there. One of the things I brought her when we went to
visit was a notebook and a pen so she can write down her thoughts and
feelings if and when she felt up to doing so... she was very pleased with
that because she had nothing at all to write on except crossword puzzle
books.

I know that Linda wouldn't have wanted her picture taken the way she looks
now because at one point during our visit she was telling me about when she
went into the washroom and happened to see her reflection in the mirror...
she didn't know who it was until the realization set in that it was her, and
she had a cry at how God-awful thin she had become. Linda was always a thin
person, but now she is to the point where there is no meat on her at all...
just bones with skin pulled over it. She told me how before she had seen
what she looked like she had been lying in the bed wondering what the huge
bump was on the sides of her face (her cheekbones)... she thought she had
some growths there. /

My sister says she has been trying to get her three sons to stop smoking for
a long time... she said she wishes they would go and visit Linda to see what
she looks like now and maybe that would shock them into quitting. I doubt
it would do anything other than shock them at how Linda looks, because I
used to smoke and only stopped when *I* was ready to stop... not because of
anything someone told me or what I read or saw. However, I do know how my
sister feels and I too wish they would stop smoking. I'm glad I quit when I
did (20 years ago), and I'm very glad Matthew always thought it was way too
stupid to even start doing. Linda has said herself that she wishes she knew
years ago what she knows now... she never would have smoked at all. /
Hindsight!

*hugs*
Gem