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Darwin Awards



 
 
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  #1  
Old September 24th 03, 02:53 PM
CNYstitcher
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Darwin Awards

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. You all know about
the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the
gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was
killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year a

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one
end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's
other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the
cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was
not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the
couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start
CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance
arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the
hospital-the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed
that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the
couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the
man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the
hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for
obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge
shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger
and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an
attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the
woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and
hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the
warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing
was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by
the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never
been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER . . . .

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf
course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,
Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in
the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus
wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed
his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a
foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,
and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open
during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new
$300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the
pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the
hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave
the course. This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot
didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his
qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

Ads
  #2  
Old September 24th 03, 05:01 PM
Diane Carter
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

These are great, I think I will send them to my son who introduced them to
me years ago. Only one she in the group and she was trying to save
something, interesting. Thanks Diane
"CNYstitcher" wrote in message
...
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. You all know about
the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the
gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was
killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year a

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one
end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's
other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the
cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was
not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the
couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start
CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance
arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the
hospital-the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed
that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the
couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the
man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the
hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for
obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge
shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger
and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an
attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the
woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and
hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the
warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing
was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by
the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never
been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER . . . .

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf
course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,
Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in
the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus
wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed
his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a
foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,
and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open
during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new
$300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the
pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the
hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave
the course. This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot
didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his
qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.



  #3  
Old September 26th 03, 01:03 AM
Ruth in Happy Camp
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Thank you! Someone sent me the "list of winners" a couple of months ago and
I was terribly upset by it. No one had died, and I thought the rules had
been changed. Obviously, it was the list of "honorable mention" winners.
--
Ruth in Happy Camp
"CNYstitcher" wrote in message
...
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. You all know about
the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the
gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was
killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year a

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one
end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's
other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the
cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was
not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the
couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start
CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance
arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the
hospital-the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed
that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the
couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the
man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the
hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for
obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge
shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger
and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an
attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the
woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and
hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the
warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing
was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by
the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never
been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER . . . .

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf
course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,
Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in
the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus
wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed
his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a
foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,
and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open
during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new
$300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the
pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the
hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave
the course. This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot
didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his
qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.



 




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