forgot about this - good giggle


On Wed, 02 Jun 2010 18:09:20 +1000, Trish Brown
wrote:

I was cleaning up my archives the other day and found this. Remember
back - what? - five or six years ago? - Nan was going to start a
Stitchers' Glossary? Well, these are some entries I'd stored away, but
the glossary never happened.

thimble - the intellectually challenged stitcher, often nicknamed a
thimble thimon by her thithterth, I mean sisters.

needle - extremely small, pointy piece of metal with a hole at one end
through which one is jocularly expected to draw a

piece of floss in order to stitch.

needle threader - device of torture given to stitchers in order to
assist the threading of the needle. Frequently, the

contortions required to make the threader work will send the stitcher
mad (mad, I tell you!) far sooner than she would have

succumbed by simply trying to thread the needle on her own!

tapestry needle - purportedly blunt (yeah, right!) needle designed for
use with the pre-holed canvas used for needlepoint.

This 'bluntness' is given the lie when one sits upon said needle or has
one forced into one's flesh by any other means. Such

as catching it in one's thumbnail. Kicking it as it lurks in the carpet
with one's delicate little toe. Getting it stuck

between one's teeth as one tries to hold it there, keeping hands free
for some more important task. You know what I mean, I

*know* you do!

needlepoint - the 'conducting' attitude of a stitcher who, needle in
hand and mouth full of chocolate, attempts to direct

some family member toward the clean socks or undies or whatever it is
they just asked for.

stitchers' balm - chocolate in any of its myriad forms.

blood - substance which stitchers sweat in order to have a piece
blocked, framed and ready for wrapping on the eve of

Christmas/Easter/birthday/other gift-giving occasion. Also, substance
which oozes from the tortured flesh of a stitcher when

inappropriate use has been made of the needle (see above). Removal of
blood can only (I repeat: *only*) be achieved by the

liberal application of the bleeder's own spit. Nobody else's spit will do!

gallbladder - substance which will readily impregnate your stitching if
you allow one of your gallstones to fall on it. Ask

me how I know...

aida - grand opera with elephants by Giacomo Puccini. Oh, and it's also
this special stuff you can stitch on...

evenweave - the swaying, rhythmic gait used by stitchers as they
negotiate the crowds milling around at craft shows.

linen - fabric fabricated from the fibres of flax. Young stitchers are
usually afraid of linen, but there's no need to be

unless it's wrapped firmly round your neck!

lugana - cheeky little Italian wine, which is quite nice to sip upon
while stitching upon the cotton/viscose fabric of the

same name.

scissors - snipping devices with two blades formed to look like a stork
and, more importantly, a stunningly beautiful

stitched fob attached.

hardanger - wrath of a stitcher whose family has used her stork scissors
to cut paper, toenails or lengths of fuse wire!

udder cream - not what you think! It's for putting on the *cow's*
mammary glands in order to make stitching easier for her.

(Go figger!)

Orvus - useful horse shampoo which undergoes an amazing change of its
physical state, depending on the ambient temperature.

Stitchers use it to wash their work, confident that its pure soap will
clean without leaching dyes. Stitchers in the tropics

can use it by the droplet while stitchers in arctic regions can chisel
bits off according to their needs. Comes in massive

quantities because, of course, horses are kinda large beasties and use
lots of shampoo. If there's a brand of horse

conditioner or setting gel, I've yet to hear of it, but if there *is*,
then you probably won't want to buy any...

orts - not to be confused with 'aughts' (eg. 'I aught to finish that
sampler for my NSDMIL'), orts are the remainders of

threads, usually not long enough to be used for anything, but since you
paid Good Money for them, too Meaningful to be thrown

away. Some stitchers save them in an ort-catcher. Others wear them
proudly on their clothing, thus proclaiming themselves to

be Stitchers.

Stitcher's Glamour - see 'orts'. The stitcher's glamour is the aura of
coloured threads and blending filament which can be

seen shimmering on (and off of) her clothing.

do-lolly - useful little device with a small hook. You can use it to
tuck thread-ends beneath completed stitches. Or, you can

use it to pull the wrapper off a chocolate bar without getting your
fingers dirty.

Thread Heaven - doesn't taste as good as chocolate.'