Your lowest day really hit a nerve with me Kathy. I just found out I have
gained 25 pounds over the last few months and I was already heavy. Some
folks just don't get that we would really rather being doing normal stuff.
I can do some things when I feel good and I'm thankful for that. Then there
are those days when I can't even move.

I was so low today after finding out I gained that much weight. I've never
weighed this much, not even when I was pregnant. So I'm going to be
grateful that I can do things that not everyone can. I'm going to be happy
that I'm alive and I can work at the torch.

Thanks Kathy and you are an amazing woman. ---- Starlia who is taking
Vicodin today.
"Kathy N-V" wrote in message
.com...
On Fri, 14 May 2004 19:43:24 -0400, Jan G wrote
(in message . net):


Kathy, great news! What do you think helped the most? The meds?


A combination of things - meds, PT, a little weight loss and lots of
powerful
vibes from the people here on RCB.

Amazingly, I wrote this last week, when I think I hit my lowest point:

-----------------------
The reality of my life is that I often have to crawl to get upstairs, and
pay
for even the slightest exertion with days of pain. Or, I can take the
painkillers and be zoned out, those are my choices. I've gotten a lot
tougher - pain that would have made me cry years ago barely registers in
my
consciousness these days. I spent a day with [a friend] a couple of weeks
ago
- and spent five days in bed afterward, because I couldn't even walk to
the
other end of the house without help.

It infuriates me to have people who have no idea what it's like to live in
my
skin tell me that I need to lose weight. Think I don't know that? Think
I
don't cringe when I see myself in the mirror and compare it to the person
I
used to be? What magic wand can I wave to make it possible for me to walk
up
the thirteen steps to my house? Forget running a marathon - I'd like to be
to
sit through one of DD's school presentations. Once I gain that much
progress, I'll worry about losing weight, okay?
----------------------------

That was in response to someone telling me that I "need to get active and
take off those pounds. Just stop eating so damn much."

She didn't get it. I've been on heavy duty steroids for more than 20
years,
and am 100 lbs. heavier than my pre-steroid weight. I used to eat
everything
in sight back then, and never gained an ounce. Now, I eat one meal a day,
because the pain makes me nauseated most of the time. If I stop the
steroids,
I die - period.

Not too many choices there - I'll walk through burning coals to be there
while my daughter grows up. I suspect that DD thinks that having a fat
mother
is way better than having a dead one. Being there for my family is my sole
motivation.

I'm a little sore tonight - I had to test my new meds by driving a couple
of
miles, because Bob is out of town. But I've been able to skip the Vicodin
for three days, and that's wonderful. Even if it doesn't last, this
respite
has been wonderful. It's like a beautiful sunny day after a long, long
winter.

Kathy N-V